A Spring of Joy

Yesterday I watched my boys and their cousins spend hours playing in the surf. I’m not sure what game they were playing, but Ash and Dan would stand sideways, arms raised in a symbol of power, and taunt the ocean, daring it to attack them. You can guess the results of that battle. Over and over they would either run screaming in delightful terror or they would bear the brunt of the assault of a very rough ocean with one or both of them thrown to the sand. It was a game, an adventure, and they loved every minute of it.

I watched them dare the ocean, and I thought about its power and vastness and their futility. It was a battle they would not win on their own. There were times when they would stand firm as the waves crashed over them, but most of the time they fell. There were times when Bri or my brother, Mike, would run to their aid and pick them up away from the danger. There were times when they were literally hurled backward in their forward progress. They would scamper back to our blanket and find a towel to wipe their eyes and rest for a moment. I watched Ben, one of our older nephews, plant his feet, stand sideways and drop his shoulder into a wave only to be literally picked up, twisted in mid-air and flipped under. (I wish I had a video camera for that one!) At the end of the day, the boys were exhausted. They had fought a hard battle, and they dropped into their beds to a deep and very peaceful sleep.

And I thought about my life. About sin. About how often I stand before the vastness of my sin and plant myself firm, even though it seems impossible to defeat. There are days where I am picked up and thrown back in the assault. There are days where I run to the shelter and dry my eyes and rest. There are days when I must have someone pick me up, and pull me to safety as I start drowning in my sin. There are days when I wallow in the surf of my guilt and shame unable to move forward. Days when I drop into my bed exhausted from the onslaught of self. Then there are days when I realize the futility of fighting sin’s tide over and over on my own, and I run away.

The best part? The battle is already won. Just as God placed a boundary for the ocean and allows it to go no further, so He has given a refuge from sin. The cross. And daily I go to the cross and remember. I beg to be rid of myself and to see the glory of His scars. And each night I can drop into my bed in peace. Although I am exhausted from the daily skirmishes I’ve fought, I can rest in full assurance that my sins are forgiven and better yet, forgotten!

This morning it is quiet. I sit on our oceanfront balcony, sixteen floors up, and I gaze at the unending horizon. My Bible in my lap open to Psalm 103, my computer singing worship to me, I’ve thought about the wonder of forgiveness… how far the east is from the west. Casting Crowns sings my heart in their song, East to West. Monica sent this to me during my chemo, and she and I cling to these beautiful truths together. Won’t you cling with us today?

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Here I am Lord and I’m drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know you’ve cast my sins as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before you now as
As though I’ve never sinned but today
I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day the war begins
*End*less reminding of my sin
Time and time again
Your truth Is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I know you’ve washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel
But by the truth your word reveals
I’m not holding on to you
But your holding on to me
Your holding on to me

Jesus, you know just how far
The East is from the West
I don’t have to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
(The arms of your mercy I find rest)
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other (x2)

(© 2007 Mark Hall and Bernie Herms. My Refuge Music/Club Zoo Music/SWECS Music (BMI))