If you had a bad dream, I would jump inside;
And I would fight for you with all the strength that I could find.
I would lead you home by your tiny hand,
If you were mine; if you were mine.
Asher John has been having a lot of nightmares lately, waking in the night, crying out for either Brian or me with a terror in his voice that is uncanny, and it cuts to the core of my very soul. Today marks the anniversary of the nightmare of September 11th, and I have found that all I want to do today is hold my little boy and never let him go. But I am learning more and more each day, that Asher is not mine…he is a gift that God has blessed us with for a season, and every day I give him back to God that he might find his life there. Oh, but how thankful I am for this time God has given us. The sweet, sweet spirit of our little boy makes most days a delight, and as he is growing up more and more each day, I find myself wondering what tomorrow will hold for him.
Will he be a soccer player? The way he plants his left foot and kicks with his right and sends balls sailing is amazing. Or will he be a southpaw pitching for his high school baseball team? He throws balls left-handed almost as far as he can kick them. Maybe he’ll be a veterinarian. He knows every animal sound (including sticking his tongue out like a lizard and throwing his arm up while he “trumpets” like an elephant). He makes us stop during every walk we take so he can see the kitties, doggies, and deer that we pass by. Of course, he could be a financial counselor, because he loves to play with credit cards (expired, of course). Hmmmm…hopefully, this doesn’t mean he’ll become a spendthrift.
There is always the musician option for Asher. His second two-word combination was “Daddy guitar”, and he spent 1/2 an hour the other day blowing shrieking notes through Brian’s tin whistle and pounding on my keyboard. “His first two-word combination?”, you may ask. “Daddy jeep.” And Asher will point out every jeep on the road whether we’re taking a walk or driiving in “Mommy car” (he must think I’m so boring!). Whenever we go outside to go anywhere, Asher will run to the jeep and wait to leave, and now that the nights are getting chillier, we usually take the car. He will cry as we take him away from his beloved jeep, and fight us while we try to put him in the Contour’s car seat. I’m still working on what this means for his future, so if you have any ideas, I’m open to them.
Ultimately, though, what it boils down to is that even in choosing Asher’s future, he is not mine. I only want him to be happy in the choices he makes, and I pray that He will seek God’s will in every decision. That doesn’t make it easy for me…especially the control freak mom that I am…I want to make it all good and right for him, and to know that bumps are coming down the road scares me. It scares me as much as it hurts me to hear those shrieks in the night, to know that life is uncertain and that I have no control over his next second of life. Even in the midst of my fear, what I do know is that God is good, and He loves my little boy even more than I do.
I would sing of love on the blackest night;
I would sing of God and how HIs goodness fills our life.
I would sing to you till the morning light;
If you were mine, if you were mine.
How grateful I am that God is so good to give us Asher for this season. I can’t even begin to describe the love that fills my heart as I hold a frightened boy in the night, rock him and sing to him. Yes, I would sing to him until the morning light if I could, and what I do know is that I have him now to hold in the midst of the nightmares life might hold in store. And holding my sweet boy is what this mom loves to do best!
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