Last night I held my kids a whole lot tighter before they went to bed. As I snuggled with Bear, I thought about how he climbs into bed with us every so often afraid of the monster in the shadows of his room. He’s had a lot of fear for a 3-year old… recurring nightmares about a mean girl dressed in white who comes up from the floor in his room. I’ve held him so many times and told him there’s no such thing as monsters and that even if there were, his Daddy is big and strong and he’d take care of that mean ol’ monster. Then he smiles contentedly and goes off to his room feeling safe for a while.
Yesterday I found out I have breast cancer. Some monsters are real.
Now I’m the one that doesn’t feel safe and fear lurks in every shadow. There are so many unknowns, so many questions, and so much heartache right now. I mostly think about my children and question who will take care of them? My God is so much more capable of taking care of them and He loves them infinitely more than I ever could. Yet they’re His gift to me, and I love being their mom. Then I realize that taking care of them and caring for them are two totally different things. Even if I’m too sick or too tired to pick them up, fix their supper, play with them, I’ll never stop caring for them…and they will know that.
Already, I’ve seen God working in so many of the details of this past week, and I’m thankful. I’m mostly thankful for my Brian–for his strength that has held me up when mine has given out, for his arms that hug so well, for his mouth whispering prayers and encouragement to me, for his unconditional love that has sat through hospital rooms and procedures when I know he hates being in that environment, for his faith and his ability to take it one day at a time, for his smile and laugh that is so contagious, for his heart for our kids and being with them through this, too. He, too, is my gift from God.
I am afraid. I am weak. I am tired. Yet I have peace… at least today I do. Tomorrow may be a different story, but I’m learning to take it one day at a time. Yes, my monster is very real and big and ugly and very scary, but my God is bigger and stronger and I’m clinging to that. And right now I have a beautiful little redheaded girl holding out a book to me, so I’m going to go care for my daughter. I do love being a mom!