Today I go in for my first chemo treatment. I can’t even begin to explain how surreal this all feels. It’s overwhelming and scary and big and ugly, but God has given me so much peace this morning. I slept well last night, and he brought to mind songs and verses this morning as soon as I woke up. I know this is because so many of you have been praying, and I can’t tell you how much that encourages me. God is answering those prayers!
One of the overwhelming parts is how much information is given and how many little details in life will change… from the way I brush my teeth, to the way I eat, to my exercise level, to skin care, etc. Somewhere in the midst of all of this, I know I’m going to lose my hair, but I don’t even know if that’s really hit yet. Maybe it’s because of my kids…
We told Asher and Micah about my chemo this week. That was one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had to have, at least initially. Telling the boys Mommy was going to feel really bad for a while, but that the medicine would make me feel better later made no sense to them. Picture Micah, my 3 year old, snuggling on Brian’s lap, eyes huge with crocodile tears. He just looked shell-shocked. Then he said, “Mommy, I wish you never got sick.” And it broke my heart… it still does when I think about it.
But the tears didn’t last very long… there is so much truth to laughter being the best medicine. When we prepped the boys that Mommy would lose her hair, Asher looked up at me from underneath my arm with those big brown eyes. I told him that meant Mommy would be bald in a few weeks. His eyes got even bigger and he said, “Mom, you’re going to look like a man!” Brian and I cracked up. I guess there’s the child’s perspective for you. Then he and Micah had a big discussion about how Mommy was going to look like Mr. Burress.
What you have to understand is that Burress, our new director of worship at church, is the most amazing person in the world in my children’s eyes. Burress and his wife, Kristin, have reached out to our kids on their level and have loved them. What a blessing that is in our life… there are no words to describe what it is like as a mom to see other people love your children so well.
However, Tuesday night, my boys’ idolatry of Burress was at its peak. When I went to check on the kids to make sure they were still tucked in, I found them lying awake in their room. Micah said to me, “Mommy, I wish I were you.” I asked him why, and he said, “So I could become Mr. Burress.” I didn’t know what to say to that one… then he said, “Will it hurt?” I asked, “Will what hurt?” He replied, “Will it hurt when you change into Mr. Burress?” I had to laugh. Oh my sweet, sweet Bear. To him if you look like someone, you are someone… so I suppose he thinks I’m going to become Burress. Brian’s not too fond of that idea.
I went for my wig “consultation” yesterday and Kristin went with me. She and Burress have ministered to Brian and me with their time, music, selflessness, integrity and genuineness, and we have been so blessed. Trying on wig after wig got overwhelming, but Kristin made it fun… so did the blonde wig with black roots–not exactly my style, but good for a huge laugh. Asher wanted me to come home with a Ronald McDonald wig. That’s not exactly my style either. But oh well. It’s good for a laugh, too. And laughter is healing. So are friendships… and Burress and Kristin have helped heal my heart a lot. As have so many of you. There’s nothing else to say except, “Thanks.”
He will never break His promise;
He has written it upon the sky.
My Deliverer is coming;
My Deliverer is drawing nigh.
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