Living Hope

Today marked the one week point since my first treatment. I went back for labwork, and everything looks good. My symptoms are minimal other than bone-deadening fatigue at times. And I am thankful.

Every time I walk into the cancer center it is like a punch in the face or the stomach; I haven’t decided which. There is so much sadness in that waiting area. So many older people who look as if they have no reason to go on. They are tired, they are gray, they are weak. I struggle because, in my mind, I don’t belong here. I am young, I am vibrant, I am strong. And I realize that as my chemo progresses, I will become more tired, more gray, and more weak… I cannot bear the looks of pity and sometimes shock that radiate across people’s faces when I walk into the lobby and sit. Reality is not easy to grasp sometimes.

As I sat and looked at the people around me this morning, there was one woman who came in and breathed fresh air into the room. She was older, completely bald, and walked with confidence. She smiled through her bright pink lipstick at everyone she passed, hugging a person here and there that she recognized, then sat down to watch the people around her. She brought something into that room–something that was missing. Hope.

It made me think and pray. A lot of things make me think these days. And I’m learning how to pray in a whole new way. My thought life often points me to Christ… today I thought about His prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane. He knew what was ahead of Him and He accepted His reality. He didn’t ignore it. He didn’t try to escape it. He didn’t run from it. He didn’t gloss over the darkness. He wrestled with it. He cried. He prayed for deliverance. Yet He bowed to God’s will. “Nevertheless, not my will, but thine…” Jesus knew His past, present and His future, and He had hope in His Father.

My reality is ahead of me, too; and it is absolutely nothing compared to what Christ endured on the cross for me. Yet it is real, it is hard, and it is lonely. Every time I walk into that lobby it is taking another step in acceptance for me. Yet every step is filled with hope. I can walk into the center and be the smile that people need… the head held high… the strength. But not because of me. Because of Christ and the living hope that He has given me. The LIVING hope.

9 responses to “Living Hope”

  1. Melissa (Bruining) Teeter Avatar
    Melissa (Bruining) Teeter

    Dear Friend,

    SHINE BRIGHT, beautiful one! And wear your sassy lipstick. I am so inspiried by your heart. Thank you for being transparent and REAL. Praise God that your counts are good and that you’re feeling ok.


  2. Dear Sweet Friend,

    Your Living Hope is being glorified daily through you. Thank you, for once again, pointing us back to the One who chose to carry and endure the cross that was ours. All accomplished so that on the glorious day of His return, we might witness our Gethsemanes fully redeemed.

    Love you dearly,


  3. Angie, thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts and being a tool in my life to point me to Christ.
    Today I heard this song and you immediately came to mind as I listened to the words and thought of how I’ve loved keeping up with you through reading whats on your heart. The third verse really stuck out to me today and it says so much of what you shared in your post:

    O Love that wilt not let me go,
    I rest my weary soul in thee;
    I give thee back the life I owe,
    That in thine ocean depths its flow
    May richer, fuller be.

    O light that foll’west all my way,
    I yield my flick’ring torch to thee;
    My heart restores its borrowed ray,
    That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
    May brighter, fairer be.

    O Joy that seekest me through pain,
    I cannot close my heart to thee;
    I trace the rainbow through the rain,
    And feel the promise is not vain,
    That morn shall tearless be.

    O Cross that liftest up my head,
    I dare not ask to fly from thee;
    I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
    And from the ground there blossoms red
    Life that shall endless be.
    ~O Love that will not let me go, by George Mattheson

    I’m excited to hear that you are doing well, and are encouraged along with being encouraging to so many. You are in a unique situation to bring hope and joy to many who need it. May God bless you greatly and enable you to do just that.
    I love you and am praying for you!


  4. Angie,
    Praise God that our outer man is not our hope, He, the treasure in this earthen vessel is. My precious sister you are in my prayers daily for His grace to abound to you in fullest measure. Your victory journey has been ordered by Him and He will never leave you or forsake you. The Holy Spirit is praying with groanings and utterances far deeper than words can go and Jesus is ever interceding for you before the throne and you have the angels ministering salvation to you daily. What a victory and all you have to do is give thanks for you are His workmanship created in Christ to do good works.

    Love to you my sister, Judie Young


  5. Angel-a,
    I too want to thank you for the reminding me that God is the living Hope. I also want to say that it has been a very growing experience for me as well to “watch you”, listen to your struggles and hopes, and to be so close (and so far) from the front line of the “cancer battle.” My two aunts had BC, but I never knew just what they went through. and while it’s not easy whatsoever to hear the pain in your voice, i have been blessed so many times by the “hope” in your prayer requests.

    “May God, the source of hope, fill you with all joy and peace by means of your faith in him, so that your hope will continue to grow with the power of the Holy Spirit” -Romans 15:13



  6. You got to write! You got your thoughts out! We celebrate that little gift with you. 🙂 We continue to pray for you, Angie, and know that you ARE strong, vibrant, and young.

    Lisa and Jan


  7. Ang,
    I’m thanking & praising God that you are managing okay after the 1st treatment. I’ve been praying that the anti-nausea meds would work for you so that you had one less side-effect to deal with. I love reading your entries & seeing how God has filled you with hope. May He continue to sustain you daily!

    Love ya,



  8. Angie,
    I just caught up on reading the posts today, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t been on my heart and in my prayers. Your beauty shines through these words over and over–more importantly, our Father’s beauty comes through as you’ve allowed Him to work in you. What a blessing to all who read! Thanks so much for your honesty and letting all of us share in this with you. You’re on such a hard journey and will certainly be prayed for, especially during the times when you need a little something extra to make it through the day. Bless you guys! Love, Kim and family


  9. Amen sister!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: