A Spring of Joy

Honestly, I’m not a big Valentine’s Day person. It’s a nice enough day for the masses who are convinced by the card companies and the chocolate-heart manufacturers and the florists who raise their prices exorbitantly. Trust me, I’m an incurable romantic at heart, but I’d much rather Brian surprise me with a dozen roses on a day when it’s not expected of him. Give me dinner out on a night when I don’t have to wait 2 hours for a table. And also trust me when I say that especially after the last 6 months, I don’t need Valentine’s Day to show me how much Brian loves me.

So, you ask, what exactly is Valentine’s Day all about for us? Well, this year it’s the beginning of the newest chapter in our lives… radiation treatments. I go in for markings that morning, which is where they tattoo the site for radiation. This includes a CT scan to be sure they have made the right measurements and that my heart and lung are protected as well as possible. Radiation treatments are every day, 5 days a week, for 6 weeks. Right now, that seems daunting, but not insurmountable, especially considering the chemo I have undergone. (Thursday I will also have a Herceptin treatment, so it will be a very long day, culminating in what I hope will be snuggling in a cozy bed and an uninterrupted nap!)

In order to fully embrace my freedom until Thursday, I am going to go up to NOVA with Brian this week. I will spend my days with my friend, Kelly and her absolutely adorable kids (side note: I cannot wait to get my hands on her 2-month old baby!) while Brian is at work. Kelly and I will also get to double-date with our hubbies (Bri works with Scott, who is not nearly as adorable as Kelly and the kids, but he will definitely cheer me with his clever anecdotes). It’s also an opportunity for me to see where Brian works and a chance to share in that part of his life. He has shared in so much of mine. I have longed to emerge from my seclusion to share this with him.

I am excited, yet overwhelmed at the same time. I haven’t traveled in 6 months, and the world is such a different place to me now. It’s a scarier place. It’s a place eerily familiar yet much more uncertain. Something happens when life changes suddenly. Values, perspectives, conversations, occasions all change. So when I said good-bye to my children this afternoon, I hugged them a little longer and cried a little harder. Once again I am running the gamut of emotions, and once again I run to the only place I can.

Fear lurks. Frustration lingers. Pain haunts. Fatigue weakens. Emotion erupts. God surpasses.

(Eye update, because I’ve had several of you ask. Turns out the chemo has dried out my eyes, irritated them, and now they are infected. I’m on eye drops and ointment, and go back in 3 weeks to get them rechecked. Please, pray… it is painful, and makes it hard for me to read or be on my laptop for very long, and for those of you that know me, those are two of my LIFELINES!)