This week was the end of my radiation treatments. True to my promise I popped on my pink fuzzy hat and exited the dressing room into the hallway where three techs awaited. We all clapped our hands and cheered. I can’t begin to describe how it felt. Exhilarating. Freeing. No more daily drudgery. I will miss the staff. They were there for me, encouraging, supporting, making me laugh. It was like leaving a job you hate but knowing you’ll miss your co-workers. They were there in ways that no one else was or could be. And they did their job well. I have been so blessed by the way God has provided for me time and again with the caregivers here in the Valley. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else for treatment, and I’m thankful I didn’t have to be.
A few details. My skin will continue to redden and burn for 2 more weeks while the radiations works from the inside. I have two patches on my skin that are becoming very painful, one in particular under my arm where the skin is black. What makes it hard is that anytime I use that arm it rubs the burn. I think that’s the toughest part. The constant pain. It will be about a month before I start to heal, so I am expecting the fatigue to remain through April. I am excitedly looking to May as the beginning of what I know will be a long recoup.
Yesterday morning I was reading the song Hannah sang to God after He granted her desire for a child. Her supreme source of joy wasn’t in that son. It was in God Who had blessed her. I am amazed every day at the ways God has blessed me. He has given me more than I could ever imagine. He has brought me through more trials that I thought I could endure. He has brought me into a place of daily dependence on Him. I need Him for every breath, every laugh, every tear, every task, every prayer, every hope.
It’s so easy for me to focus on the “things” I have in front of me–reclaiming my home, moving full-force into home-schooling Ash rather than the sporadic teaching he has received, spring cleaning parts of the house, organizing and decluttering a home over which I’ve had little control for 9 months, get the children back into Sunday School.
Oh wait! I forgot some things: pay bills, enrollment contract for school for Ash, Craigs List baby items, taxes.
Oh wait! I forgot some more: pray. breathe. worship. sit at Jesus’ feet. LIVE life.
Every Christian needs an half hour of prayer each day, except when he’s busy, then he needs an hour. (St. Francis de Sales, 1567-1622 Bishop of Geneva)
While I’m not a proponent of saying how much time we should be spending with God each day, I understand what point St. Francis was making. The longer my to-do list is, the more likely I am to get bogged down and forget God.
He has given me so much, yet like the Israelites in the wilderness, the freshness of my dependency can fade, and with that fading comes forgetfulness. A forgetfulness I do not want. A forgetfulness I fear. I don’t want to lose sight of my Hannah moment. My desperate need for God every day. Of knowing that there is no god like my God and spending time with Him is crucial to life. I want to live in His moment every day.
My daughter lives in the moment. That’s one of my favorite things about her. She is excited about everything. She asks for juice, and I hand it to her. She claps her hands ands says, “Yay!” (That’s pronounced Yaaaay-ah for all you northerners.) She drops her doll where she can’t reach it and signs “please” while calling, “Mommeeee!” I reach it for her and she claps her hands and says, “Yay!” I put her in her booster seat for a meal, and she claps her hands and says, “Eat! Yay!” I tell her it’s time for her bath, or time to go outside and play, or time to read with Mommy and she… well, you get the picture. She loves life. She is excited about every part. She lives in the moment.
God has been with me every moment of my life, even when they haven’t been “yay” moments. He has lived the moments with me. He’s cried with me and rejoiced with me. He’s never let go. He longs for relationship with me. He gives me hope and direction. He gives me the reason to live every moment. And because of Him, I will remember and live.
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