I had an “Oh my stars! I had cancer!” moment today, and there is a heaviness that lingers. It’s hard to even explain all the things that flit through my mind during these times. The memories of the fears wash over me, the joy of God’s strength in this trial, the overwhelming encouragement of our friends and family, the pain of change, the peace of trust.
It has been over a week since my last radiation treatment, and the burning continues to intensify. I am not sleeping well because I cannot find a comfortable position. Under my arm feels as if someone took a hot iron to my skin, and I can find no relief. The lethargy of inactivity has set into my body, and my muscles are weak and atrophied. My fingernails continue to wither from the chemo, and I have three nails that are pulling away and ready to come off. These, among other things, are the constant reminders that this trial is not over.
I become more convinced every day of my total inability and my need to surrender every part of my life and my being to God’s perfect control. He makes no mistakes. And the more I see my inability, the more I find myself leaning on Him. And the more I lean on Him, the more stable my life becomes. And the more I see His stability, the more I see His glory.
Martin Luther writes,
I have held many things in my hands and I have lost them all. But whatever I place in God’s hands, that I still possess.
My life is in His hands, and while it has been an “Oh my stars! I had cancer!” life for these past months, I still possess a life. Beyond that, I possess an eternal life in Him. I am clinging to that. To God ALONE be the glory!
(Please do continue to pray. Although the worst is over as far as treatment is concerned, there is a long road of healing left in front of me. In so many ways.)