A Spring of Joy

Last week I took Ash to his daily swim lessons then home for a few before we climbed back in the van to his rescheduled dentist appointment. Yes. Rescheduled. Because I forgot his other one. Or rather forgot to remind Brian to take him because I would be at the doctor. This chemo brain is killing me!

We arrived at the dentist, and I opened the van door for Asher to get out. But he stood there. Minus his yellow flip-flops. “Um, Mom. I forgot to put on shoes.” You’ve got to be kidding me!

Fortunately the staff there is extremely laid back and they all got a huge laugh at our expense. One woman even told me how she kept shoes in her car for her kids because it happens to her all the time. I wanted to say, “But it doesn’t happen to me!” I’ve always been on top of things like that.

I’m a well-organized, multi-tasker. Or at least I was. I’ve always been the one to plan, schedule and make sure things happen in our home. The glue that holds our family together. Now I can’t remember what I’m supposed to do, where I’m supposed to be, or with whom I am supposed to be doing it. (Heavy sigh.) I’m the one with my meals planned a month in advance. My credit cards are alphabetized (Bri thinks this is hysterical, so please, feel free to laugh with him at my expense). My home is ordered and routine.

That was the old me. The pre-cancer me. The pre-chemo brain me. I’m having to let go of a lot these days and learn how to live a whole different lifestyle, and frankly, it is exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I put my life on three calendars (yes, THREE) in hopes that one of them will remind me of my schedule. Then I go to my physical therapist’s and discover I’m an hour late. And–are you ready for this?–I had it written down at two different times on my calendars. So much for the several calendar idea.

I’m also learning to not make promises–“I’ll call you and we’ll get together”–unless I know there is a way I can follow through. Believe me when I tell you I’ve felt the pain of people not following through these last months. Promises made to me but not kept. I’ve felt the sting of words not acted upon. I don’t want to inflict that pain on others. I can’t remember full conversations I’ve had with Brian even though only 20 minutes have passed. I want to be a woman of my word and honor others. I’ve learned to tell people not to be afraid to remind me of things I forget. That I will fail them. And I’ve learned that it’s okay when people fail me.

I’m learning to let go and laugh. I’m learning to forgive. I’m learning to live. What’s hard is remembering how I used to “have it all together” and expecting my days to return to that normalcy. It’s not happening. I’m having to learn how to breathe all over again… flailing and coughing and kicking like a drowning person trying to not sink underwater.

I’m learning to run to Jesus every day… to cling to His promise that He is always with me. When I pass through the waters of my life they will not sweep over me. I will not drown. His hand is there grasping mine and holding me up.

I imagine He smiles, too, when He sees the image of little Asher standing barefoot in the dentist office. I am learning that He is in control.

I am learning, yes, but I have so much more to learn.

Oh, Jesus, may every moment, even these difficult ones, bring You glory!