Last night I stayed up to watch the rerun of Oprah, a show I never watch. But it was all about breast cancer… Christina Applegate, her oncologist, Susan G. Komen’s sister, and numerous breast cancer survivors were on the show. It brought back a lot of hurt and fear and memories, and brought up a lot of what if’s? about the future. I sat on the couch crying and thinking, “I couldn’t do this again. Please, God, don’t let it come back.” It left me in a very desperate mood.
Today marks the beginning of October. Breast cancer awareness month. And while I am thankful for all the research and knowledge and money being raised to beat this ugliness, this death. I am not sure I’m ready for the constant reminder. The constant assault of pink ribbons bringing back the memories, the pain, the fear.
This morning I woke up, stumbled my way through the dark and quiet house, grumbling about my aching joints, about Bri’s late nights fixing downed servers (he worked 30 hours pretty much straight Monday & Tuesday with a break or two here and there), about the cold creeping into my bones, about how my son moves slower than molasses in January, about life in general.
A few weeks ago I wrote about how healing it is to sing the names of Jesus. This morning, as I fixed my Buddy’s cereal and toast, I turned on my music. And what should come on but Indelible Grace’s “How Sweet The Name Of Jesus Sounds”. So I hit repeat. And it’s been playing ever since. (I’m obsessive like that.)
I grew up singing that hymn. I’ve had it memorized since I was a child. It’s a favorite of Brian and mine, and I was thrilled when he introduced it to our congregation a couple years ago when he was helping lead worship. And this morning God knew I needed it. I needed the reminder of Who Jesus is and all He does for me.
As I walked out to start the van, my breath leading the way with its frostiness, I looked up and saw the sun hovering just above the mountains, a glowing orb reminding me of God’s faithfulness. All around I saw the beauty of His world. I heard His beauty in the little voices chattering as I drove through the fields to school. I tasted His beauty in the whole wheat pancakes Bear, Bella and I made together. I knew His beauty in my “never failing treasury” that is “filled with boundless stores of grace.”
I found my wounded spirit whole, even though my body will never be. My sorrows were soothed this morning as I saw the beauty of Jesus.
Won’t you look at Him anew with me this morning?!
How sweet the Name of Jesus sounds
In a believer’s ear!
It soothes his sorrows, heals his wounds,
And drives away his fear.
It makes the wounded spirit whole,
And calms the troubled breast;
’Tis manna to the hungry soul,
And to the weary, rest.
Dear Name, the Rock on which I build,
My Shield and Hiding Place,
My never failing treasury, filled
With boundless stores of grace!
By Thee my prayers acceptance gain,
Although with sin defiled;
Satan accuses me in vain,
And I am owned a child.
Jesus! my Shepherd, Husband, Friend,
O Prophet, Priest and King,
My Lord, my Life, my Way, my End,
Accept the praise I bring.
Weak is the effort of my heart,
And cold my warmest thought;
But when I see Thee as Thou art,
I’ll praise Thee as I ought.
Till then I would Thy love proclaim
With every fleeting breath,
And may the music of Thy Name
Refresh my soul in death!