Put My Tears In Your Bottle

It hurts to cry. I found that out the hard way last night. I never knew how many muscles in my neck were ones I used to cry. And trust me, you use a lot more of them than you realize. There are nights when sleep is elusive (no matter how much percocet I am on) and the grief and fear are overwhelming. Last night was one such night.

I have felt those tears resting in my throat for days… that ache that sits just at the base of my neck waiting to erupt.

Tears of uncertainty as I waited for the surgery to come.

Tears of pain as I rejoice greatly with friends and the miracle of their newborn babies, yet the ache of struggle against God’s will in my life that we will have no more. The longing to hold another of my own in these arms. The thankfulness that I have my three blessings. The joy that I can “mother” the children of friends.

Tears of frustration at the sleeplessness, the tossing and turning and groaning to God asking for relief from the onslaught of Satan’s arrows of fear and despair.

Tears of love that gaze at sleeping faces as I tuck them in knowing they will wake to find me gone on the morning of surgery.

Tears of anger and hurt, burning hot at the insensitive remarks by friends.. or the painful silence by those who have disappeared from my life.

Tears of disgruntlement as I listen to my husband complain about his lack of coffee on the morning of my surgery, then laughing with him as I offer to trade places.

Tears of desperation as I pull Brian close and whisper thickly, “If I don’t wake up, you tell my babies I love them. Every. Single. Day. You tell them until the day they die. You promise me that. And you find someone that I would trust to tell you every day until you die. You all cannot ever forget how much I love you.”

Tears of relief that God saw fit to say “yes” to my pleadings that they be able to use my port and no IV’s in the process.

Tears of thankfulness that the surgery went well, that he removed all that he believes he needed to, that my recovery is going smoothly.

Tears of joy that I am home with my family again; that my parents are with me.

Tears of affection as I see the faces and hear the voices of friends who are calling and visiting, choosing to walk through yet another fire with me.

Tears of loneliness as I sit in the darkness and wrestle with the anxiety over what comes next, and what if…? What if those twelve nodes show a clear spread of cancer? What does this mean?

Tears of physical pain as I struggle to get comfortable.

Tears of sadness as I watch my little ones run out the door to cut down the Christmas tree without me. Watching my heart run beside them panting, trying to catch up, then stopping as the van disappears from sight.

Tears of relief that one more step is over, that healing can begin, that every day holds improvement.

Tears of sorrow over my daily struggles with sin, coupled with tears of refreshment at God’s mercy and forgiveness.

Tears of disappointment over the distance, the miles that separate me from my dearests living far away.

Tears of release, because sometimes you just need to cry.

And tears because of this truth: He is with me. No matter how often I have failed Him; He has never failed me. No matter how my body is wasting away, He has delivered my soul from death.

You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?
(Psalm 56:8)

16 responses to “Put My Tears In Your Bottle”

  1. Shedding some tears with you right now, Angie, and praying HE will bring you comfort, peace, and sleep! Oh, for the day when tears will be no more!

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  2. Amen, Rochelle. Amen.

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  3. Angie,

    I’m sorry people have disappeared from your life during this time. I’ve been a witness to this happening in many of my friends lives. People don’t know what to say, so they say nothing. They don’t realize that hurts more than to just say, I’m sorry, I have no idea what you are going through, but I’m here for you if you need me. Its such a simple thing to say, yet so many don’t. So, I’m here if you need me! Praying for your complete healing.

    Be Strong and Courageous today!
    Kristin

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  4. This is Our God by Chris Tomlin–

    “A refuge for the poor, a shelter from the storm
    This is our God
    He will wipe away your tears and return your
    wasted years
    This is our God
    Oh… this is our God
    A father to the orphan, a healer to the broken
    This is our God
    And he brings peace to our madness and comfort
    in our sadness
    This is our God
    Oh… this is our God
    this is the one we have waited for
    Oh… this is our God
    A fountain for the thirsty, a lover for the lonely
    This is our God
    He brings glory to the humble and crowns for the
    faithful
    This is our God”

    May we therefore know that is OUR JOY to serve THIS AWESOME GOD.

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  5. Dear friend,
    Our 1st Grade Sunday School class has reminded me in the last two weeks that our God is “Understanding” and “Attentive”. I thought of you yesterday as we read these precious verses from Psalm 103.

    You can trust that God knows all there is to know about every single one of those tears.

    I love you and count it a joy and blessing to pray for you and your dear family.

    Psalm 103
    2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits-

    3 who forgives all your sins
    and heals all your diseases,

    4 who redeems your life from the pit
    and crowns you with love and compassion . . .

    13 As a father has compassion on his children,
    so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

    14 for he knows how we are formed,
    he remembers that we are dust.

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  6. Love you Angie!! You are in my thoughts and prayers!! I cry like a baby right along with you…sometimes at work! They probably think I am nuts!!

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  7. My dear Angie,

    I weep with you. I know how hard the storms are and how many hours we struggle in our weaknesses. Sometimes I feel that my storms are getting bigger. They are a constant reminder to get all competitors out of my life that would usurp my devotion to Him. I am having a work in my life, purifying work, work that is being accomplished in many, the setting apart and the counting everything but loss to get to know Him.

    My dear one I read this and know that it will be a blessing to you as you read it. It is written by Octavius Winslow in the l800’s.

    How does God comfort those who are cast down? His method is various. He adapts the comfort to the sorrow. He first writes the sentence of death upon all comfort outside of Himself. If you have been accustomed to scrutinize narrowly God’s way of dealing with you, you will often have marked this peculiar feature-that before He has unsealed the fountain, He has cut off the spring. In other words, He has suspended all human channels of comfort, preparatory to the fullfillment of His own exceeding great and precious promises, “I even, I, am He that comforts you.” It was thus that He dealt with the Church of old. Therefore, behold, I will allure’ her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfortably unto her” (Hos 2:14) In that wilderness, as a “woman of sorrowful spirit,” she is brought; in that wilderness she is separated from her companions yet in that dreary, lonely wilderness the God of all comfort speaks to her heart.

    This is one way by which God comforts the disconsolate. Overlook it not. It may be painful, humiliating, and trying to faith; but the issue, like all the conduct of our Heavenly Father, will be most blessed and holy. Is He now, in your case, writing the sentence of death upon all creature comfort? Does no eye pity you, no heart feel for you, no tongue address you, and is no hand outstretched to rescue you? Look now for God! For He is on the way, in the time of the creature’s failure, Himself to comfort you.

    Our God will be with us in the wilderness. He will never leave us or forsake us.

    In His love and compassion to you,
    Judie

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  8. Ok, I about lost it when I read, “If I don’t wake up…” That one sentence wrapped around my soul and bore down on me. What a weight for you to carry. Brian is a good man. What a weight for him to carry, too. And the kids. When every day ends with a “Goodbye” just in case. Will continue to pray for each of you, and that more fervently.

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  9. Praying for you dear, Angie that God will relieve your pain and that each day will get better for you and that you will find strength an comfort in friends who love you and most importantly your FATHER in Heaven who loves you!

    Blessings dear sister in Christ!
    Becky

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  10. What a marvelous thing to be able to take all those myriad emotions and just get them out in written form. God is with you as you go through all of this, and work through the intense emotions that are coming along for the ride. I, too, choked up a bit reading the words about not waking up. But that’s the reality of this life, isn’t it. None of us is guaranteed even today. I’m sorry that you’ve been facing that reality so intensely. And I know that you are not taking a single thing for granted. You are a marvelous woman and a true inspiration, Angie.

    I love you, girl!
    Brooke

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  11. Shedding tears with you as we ask the giver of Peace to comfort you.

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  12. I hope I haven’t been one of the people that said something insensitive, not knowing my mistake.

    It’s no excuse, but I’ve found that the people that disappear from our lives in difficult times are doing so because they have no idea how to act. They have no idea what to say. Again, it’s not an excuse, but I do believe it illuminates those friends that you can count on, time and again.

    I hope that the tears you have cried have helped. It *is* good to cry sometimes…it *does* help. And *this* internet friend here is thinking of you and praying for you.

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  13. Angie,
    I don’t know what to say except thank you for your honesty as you blog…it is a challenge and encouragement to the body of Christ… we who cannot begin to imagine what your heart is going through are able to catch a glimpse into your heart with your words. thank you. thinking of you, sister.

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  14. Oh, sweet, sweet Angie…I have tears running down my face. You are a shining light to those around you. Those 3 precious children are so blessed to have a mommy like you. I will pray for healing and endurance and that God’s love and comfort will be overwhelmingly evident in your home and heart.

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  15. My tears are flowing now, too as I marvel at how visible God is to me through you and your words! Your written word is truly a gift from above, Angie! You are in my prayers daily.

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  16. Your tears are so valuable to me and to our God. I love you for them. I love that God is treasuring our prayers like sweet incense, that nothing of our sorrows is ever lost, that He is our Redeemer, even…especially…of our losses. How else could He take your disease and make it a platform for the beauty we see in you?

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