Sighs & Groanings

Brown eyes searching my face, my oldest son leans his lanky body into me then tucks his head under my chin. “Did I hurt your boo-boo?” he asks, pulling back and looking at the red gash on my neck.

Wrapping my arms around him, I pull him into my embrace, “No, buddy, I’m fine.”

“Mom? I don’t like looking at where you had your surgery.”

I look into his eyes, wishing I could read into his soul and know what’s really going on behind his penetrating gaze. “What… What do you think about when you see it?” I stumble over my words, “What…? Tell me… what’s going on in your mind? What are you feeling, buddy?”

“When I see that scar it means you have cancer. And cancer means you could die.” His eyes fill with tears, his voice grows thick and husky as he whispers plaintively, “I don’t want my mommy to die.”

I groan inwardly, the groaning of Creation in a fallen world.

I whisper prayers over his head, and I remind him of God’s faithfulness to me, to us. I remind him that the cancer has been removed, and I am getting stronger. Yet even as I pray I want to scream. No six-year-old should have to bear such a heavy burden, to live with this fear. I will not run from this and I will teach him how to live in his reality. And we will walk forward, trusting together.

But I ask you to please pray for my Ash as he weathers these storms with us. There is much he doesn’t say, but he feels deeply.

9 responses to “Sighs & Groanings”

  1. Tears streaming down our faces, too choked to talk. We are praying and we are in agreement. We love you and your family so very much.

    Mom and Dad


  2. Dear sweet boy! I saw him yesterday when he & Grandma dropped Danny off. He looked as if he didn’t have a care in the world. But our children feel far more than we know sometimes. Danny prays for Aunt Angie every day. We’ll continue holding you & the kids up in prayer!


  3. Oh precious Asher…How his heart expresses the sentiments of many…Emma Grace and I will be praying for him and look forward to giving him and all of you a great big hug soon!


  4. Dear Asher,

    Your Mommy is blessed to have you as her son. You are so special to her and to share with her in this time will always be a memory she will hold forever.

    May God’s grace, mercy and peace be your in fullest measure.

    Love to you,
    Judie Young


  5. oh, Angie! How my eyes filled up with tears when I read of what your little Asher is feeling. I can’t imagine being a little one and having to understand the reality of it all! I’m keeping all of you in my prayers and especially little Asher.

    Love you!


  6. You can count on the prayers girl and maybe a few screams too…I love the fact that you are looking forward….today I read in Prov 4:23-27..Let my eyes look straight ahead, and my eyelids look right before me.


  7. Thanks for sharing this ang. I’m not a mom but I can’t even start to imagine how much you hurt for your kid’s sake especially when they are so honest with their feelings and fears. Praying for ash as he fears real fears. Love you


  8. We’ll be praying that God will use this to make your children’s characters ones of more compassion for others. And for the worries to go away. The pain of seeing your young ones struggle with thing such as this…goes right through your heart. Still praying. Love to all your family. The Crabtree’s


  9. Heartbreaking, Angie. I feel sad that any child would have this fear. But it is reality, of course, that some children will. I will continue to pray for you, and your husband and your family. That his fears are assuaged.

    And that this dumb (that’s the clean version of what I’d like to say!) cancer goes away for good.


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