Strangely I have found in my own life that it is only through a wintry spirituality that I am able to affirm summer and sunshine. A friend wrote me recently, ‘Winter reveals structure.’ Only as the structure is firmly there are we able to dress it with the lovely trappings of spring, budding leaves, rosy blossoms. Winter is the quiet, fallow time when the earth prepares for the rebirth of spring. Unless the seed is put in the ground to die, it cannot be born. (~Madeleine L’Engle)
It is winter. Icy outside. There’s a two-hour delay for school. The house is dark and quiet. Peaceful
My heart is dark, too, and restless. I woke this morning thinking, “I must get up and have my quiet time.” Then I cried because it felt like duty and the longing wasn’t there, and I don’t ever want the ache for Jesus to go away. I am completely desperate for Him and His grace and presence.
January 1st began a regimen of treatment medicine for me and as the days pass and the medicine makes its impact, I am increasingly fatigued physically and emotionally. And there is darkness. A darkness that is overwhelming and all-consuming. Of all the side effects I will endure these next weeks, depression is by far the worst, and I am battling every day against an induced darkness, a weariness of spirit that makes me ask, “Is this really worth it?” Is it worth it to put my body and mind through so much to possibly prevent future recurrences?
I see my specialist on Thursday and I consult with nuclear medicine about scans and treatment. The medicine I am taking now is to prepare my body for all that’s coming. Next week I will go on a rigid diet to also prepare my body for the iodine treatment. The end of the month will be those scans and treatment. Come mid-February I should hopefully be finished. I will know more extensively after Thursday what this will all look like.
Ask me in a two months and I will tell you a resounding, “Yes, this was worth it.” However, walking through this struggle, my heart is not so sure.
But I have made my choice. So I will walk through this winter knowing my structure is secure. I am planted by deep waters that feed my soul even in the darkness. And I will seek and I will wait knowing that in the seeking and in the waiting, growth happens. He is working in winter just as much as He is working in spring and summertime.