A Peek Inside The Mind Of A Crazy Woman

Let me explain something to you. I know nothing about growing things. I rely on the expertise of others and my own failed experimentation. But I love flowers and greenery and pretty things, and I want my home surrounded with them. My grandfather had flower beds and rose bushes and huge vegetable gardens covering his yard, and his thumb is greener than anyone’s I know. Me? I have a black thumb. Nothing survives my hand. But I try.

So today I took advantage of being home without my babies and went outside to work on clearing out dead flower pots on my front stoop and uprooting withered plants under the deck. It was beautiful outside and I needed my vitamin D fix. As I walked out the door with my bucket and spade and gardening gloves, I told myself, “Self, go easy. Remember you just had treatment. You are tired. Don’t expect to do all this in one fell swoop.” Heh. I barely made a dent.

Oh, y’all, it was a sight. Me out there tugging and pulling with so little strength that I don’t know how many times I pulled and fell flat on my behind empty-handed. At one point, I sat and cried, and all I could think was how I didn’t even know what I was doing. I don’t have the right tools for the job. Our deck is not small and there’s a lot of undergrowth and the job seems impossible to tackle especially with my limited strength. I wanted to stomp and kick and pitch a hissy fit and scream and ask why things have to be so hard. Instead I started to laugh at myself and the picture I must be for the neighbors, sitting in my pile of dead leaves and grass, bawling my head off, my crazy curls blowing so furiously that I ended up looking like Doc from Back To The Future.

But you know what? As crazy as this might sound, it felt good. I felt alive. I was breathing in fresh air and feeling warmth on my skin. And I thought about how our lives are like this. How I need the Gardener to come in and prune so that growth can happen! Far different from my crazy attack at my deck’s undergrowth, God isn’t up in Heaven chopping away the ugliness in my life and laughing maniacally. He’s pruning lovingly. He’s cutting back branches so that I can grow more and bear more fruit. And it’s painful. Not just for me, but for Him, too. His hands are being nicked by the thorns of my life as he pulls them away. But He hurts with me in my pain, so that I may become more beautiful, and in turn He will receive greater glory. Because it all points to Him. The fruit we bear would dry up if it weren’t for the vine from which we find our life flow.

I listened to a sermon yesterday on abiding. Becoming. How when we abide, we become. It’s from the church we visited in Nashville with our friends, Josh & Kristin, and if you have the time, I’d encourage you to listen to it. This is one of the many things that struck me…

“Jesus is serious about the ethic of abiding, and we abide because He loves us so abundantly, so perfectly… Why would you not abide in Jesus? Where would you rather go and abide than in Jesus? Answer that question honestly, because there is an answer. There are places we go and say, “I’m going to go abide over here because it feels safer and easier and more pleasurable.” (~Jeff Helton)

I have so many places I go other than Jesus… my family, my friends, my to-do list, my self-pity, my hobbies, my mindless entertainment.

Oh, how I long to abide! How I long to be so consumed with Him that it shapes and forms every facet of how I live! How I ache to bear His fruit so that the Vine receives the glory! And as hard and painful and brutal as the past 18 months of my life have been, how I am thankful that my Gardener has lovingly brought out those pruning shears and molded and shaped my branches!

Yes, there are days like today where I wonder if I am going insane, but then I see how He is teaching me even in these moments, and I realize I’m not crazy after all.

11 responses to “A Peek Inside The Mind Of A Crazy Woman”

  1. What a beautiful metaphor! I found myself chuckling at the mental picture of you falling on your behind, then tearing up at the thought that thorns in my life prick His hands…I’ve never even considered that.

    Gives a whole new meaning to those scars in His precious palms…

    Thank you!

    (I found your post via One Thing, and her Metaphor Monday. I posted one too…)

    Grace & Peace to you and yours.


  2. I don’t know if I put this song on your cd but I thought of it b/c i love the song. It’s about God consuming up from the inside out and in turn we learn to love HIM from our inside out. You may or may not be going crazy Angie….juries still out 🙂 , but I hope these words sing to your heart:

    From the Inside Out- by Hillsong

    A thousand times I’ve failed
    Still your mercy remains
    And should I stumble again
    Still I’m caught in your grace

    Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
    Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
    my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control
    Consume me from the inside out Lord
    Let justice and praise become my embrace
    To love You from the inside out…


  3. Thanks for that, Natalie. I needed those words today after thinking about my abiding places that aren’t Jesus.


  4. I kept thinking–where’s the crazy part? I guess I’ve had too many moments like that, but I too am thankful that God uses them as teaching moments.


  5. What an amazing post! So well said, so honest. So good.


  6. I love getting my hands in the dirt, weeding, planting…..God and I have lots & lots of chats about my life when I get out there alone with him! It is the best therapy. Don’t give up! 🙂


  7. My dear sweet one,

    You are so transparent, and you look great. This was so special and so sweet. God bless you my precious one.

    Love and blessings to you,


  8. Thank you so much for participating in my Metaphor Monday. I too had never thought about my own thorns piercing His hands…wow, what a humbling thought. I plan to read more of your blog; it sounds like you have quite the story. I hope you play MM again… I so enjoy reading what everyone comes up with!


  9. I think you know more about growing things than you think. Maybe not the green kinds of growing things that are supposed to grow in dirt (I feel your pain here), but certainly about growing in Faith and growing in Love. What a great way to explain abiding in Jesus.


  10. Nailed again…by the Crazy Woman. (If you’re crazy, I’m crazier, or at least, I’ve been crazy longer.) I love this picture, and, deep down, I really do want to abide in Christ instead of all those dark strongholds I can succumb to in times of “felt need.” He is so beyond what I think I need:

    My soul finds rest in God alone, my Rock and my Salvation,
    A fortress strong against my foes, and I will not be shaken.
    Though lips may bless and hearts may curse, and lies like arrows pierce me,
    I’ll fix my heart on righteousness, I’ll look to Him who hears me.

    O praise Him, hallelujah, my Delight and my Reward;
    Everlasting, never failing, my Redeemer, my God.

    Find rest, my soul, in God alone, amid the world’s temptations;
    When evil seeks to take a hold I’ll cling to my salvation.
    Though riches come and riches go, don’t set your heart upon them.
    The fields of hope in which I sow are harvested in heaven.

    I’ll set my gaze on God alone, and trust in Him completely.
    With every day pour out my soul, and He will prove His mercy.
    Though life is but a fleeting breath, a sigh too brief to measure,
    My King has crused the curse of death, and I am His forever.

    O praise Him, hallelujah, my Delight and My Reward;
    Everlasting, never failing, my Redeemer, my God.

    (Stuart Townend & Aaron Keyes, 2007, Thank You Music)

    Praising the only God with you.


  11. Wonderful metaphor.

    And I’d never considered that perhaps God’s hands get nicked in the process, too.

    I am a lover of gardening. LOVE it. If I could do one thing with my time (other than mothering) it would be gardening. I just don’t have the time lately. Someday.


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