The Best Place To Be

Yes, I am home. I am recovering thanks to pain pills, antibiotics and nausea medication, and a mom who never tires of spending days caring for her grandchildren and me. I am exhausted and in pain. But I am home.

We still don’t know what culprit caused my infection. It could be any number of things, and it could happen again with something as simple as a hangnail or with forgetting Bella’s too heavy and picking her up with my right arm. It just doesn’t have what it needs to fight off germs or infection or trauma. It is just one more thing to add to my “new normal”…

I had been fighting a cold for a few days and on Wednesday was suddenly stricken with a high fever, chills and aches that wouldn’t go away. Ugh. Must be the flu. Then my right arm became increasingly stiff and sore, and I assumed maybe I had pulled or strained a muscle. I checked in with soon-to-be Dr. Nat, and she gave me some suggestions on my arm pain. The next morning I woke to red, angry streaks up my arm. And Dr. Nat said, “Get thee to a doctor, my friend. That’s systemic infection.

Sarah met Mom and me at the doctor’s office and then took me to the hospital once he pronounced my sentence of outpatient IV antibiotics for a skin infection. At the IV treatment center, the nurses were wonderful, Sarah was wonderful, but my port was not so wonderful. Thankfully, it only took two tries to access it and I was undergoing treatment, sitting with Sarah watching American Idol. During that time, the redness continued to spread. A hurried phone call to the doctor, and the sentence increased to a hospital stay overnight. (Unfortunately, the hospital’s timing was off and Sarah and I missed the last 10 minutes of American Idol. I didn’t even get to see Tatiana’s dramatics!)

I was given a shared room on the cancer floor with a dear little old lady who spluttered, snored and talked in her sleep, so all I have to say is “Thank goodness for Ambien!” She was moved to another hospital the next day, and I remained the sole patient in my large, sea-foam green room.

After seeing a specialist on Friday, my sentence was lengthened to many doses of antibiotics and several days instead of one. It was long. It was hard. Sunday morning was the worst for me, as I sat in my cold, sterile environment thinking of everyone else worshipping together. It was an unbearable ache of loneliness.

And my children. I constantly thought of my children.

Saturday, Ash curled up next to me on my hospital bed, long lashes wet with tears, “I think about you all the time, Mommy,” he whispered. I watched Bella spinning circles in the middle of the room with Bear. She stopped, noticing our tenderness. “I’m so sorry about your sick, Mommy.” she said, head cocked, soft grin.

“I’m sorry, too, babies. I’m so, so sorry.”

The ache continues, both physically and emotionally. My heart is aching more than my arm tonight, and that means a LOT of pain. The hardest struggle to face isn’t “why me?“, it’s “why them?” I believe God is for me, for us. I truly believe that with all my heart. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have questions. I know He has a perfect plan for me, for us. I just want to see how this can be good for them. Bella has been struggling ever since I returned from isolation for thyroid treatment. She never wants me to go away, yet here I was torn away from her again. How are they to grasp it all? To understand when i don’t even understand myself?

Once again I am faced with opening my hands and letting them go. It isn’t easy. I want to clutch them to me and tell Him to stop, to pick on someone His own size, to give them a break. But ultimately, I will do what I have done every day of this horrible journey. I will take the next step in faith and I will relinquish my grip. I will say, “I believe,” even when I don’t feel it, and I will move forward with my babies, knowing that I am entrusting them (and me) to the hands that hold the universe.

It is the best place to be.

I believe. Lord, help my unbelief.

9 responses to “The Best Place To Be”

  1. Sarah Wingard Avatar
    Sarah Wingard

    “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6) Angie, darling, He is doing a good work, even though it doesn’t seem good now. You are so loved, by me and other people, yes, but even more so by Him. And so are Buddy, Bear, and Bella.

    Thank you for being honest about your struggles, Angie. It really encourages me. And thanks for always speaking the truth. You are lovely and loved, my dear.

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  2. Christina Rogers Avatar
    Christina Rogers

    So sorry I didn’t know that you were in the hospital. Wish you the best.

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  3. Carol Crabtree Avatar
    Carol Crabtree

    Dear Jesus, please be with Angie and her babies. Please help us understand. We do believe. We REALLY, REALLY do believe, but our tears fall, because we hurt so, and we don’t understand why all these difficulties, pain, and heartache have to come our way. It seems just when we come through, and feel our faith is strengthened, we are knocked down again. Please give us the will, your strength, and the faith to always, always get up again, and praise your name. You are familiar with our sorrows, have felt our pain. You have given us every good gift. And You are the ultimate gift, offering yourself freely, to your children, and even You cried out in your pain, to the Father. Please watch over Angie and her family. Please protect our families, and protect us from evil. Amen

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  4. Carol Crabtree Avatar
    Carol Crabtree

    Angie,
    I continue to hold you up in prayer, so keep up with your blog. When I read your last entry, the tears just flowed. As I read, I just felt your pain, so raw, your heart breaking once again, worrying about your children. You are an awesome Mom, you love your children so much. I didn’t know what to say as my tears flowed, so I just prayed. I will continue to pray. Sometimes the “new normal” does settle down and stay that way and I will pray that for you. I know you are tired.

    Carol

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  5. This past weekend I listened to a talk Joni Erickson Tada (spell?) gave at Fuller Seminary recently. (The Theology of Suffering) It’s on-line if you’re interested. I have these same questions, especially about kids hurting. Joni did say a lot of things you and I have heard over and over, but the way she explained a couple of things really encouraged me. When she describes her own struggle the days after her accident, when she dove into shallow water and became paralyzed, she couldn’t understand who came first, Satan or God? She knew that Satan was playing his role in the pain and suffering, but what was God’s role? Did He ordain it? Did he simply allow it? I loved how she described what she learned and continues to learn as she suffers through the years. It wasn’t just “He works it all for good” It was just different and fresh for me. Just sayin’…maybe you could watch it. There’s a link to it on Saturday’s post at the Holy Experience blog. Now I’ve written a book.
    (P.S. I had a very minor surgery yesterday and I thought about you all day, how you go through that and so much more all the time…a day away from my kids, not being able to pick them up when I got home, pain, grogginess…I can’t imagine doing that all the time and I’m sorry.)

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  6. I’m listening to our women’s ministry downloads today and this struck me and I thought of you. We need to pray, as we believe, but also to pray in our unbelief. I guess my interpretation of that is that we believe in God, but during times like this we question Him and we question the strength of our belief because we get upset. So, I’ll be praying for not only your healing, but for your belief.

    Hugs to the little ones, I feel like I know them so well, even though I haven’t met them through reading your blogs. Very special little ones.

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  7. My precious adopted daughter in the Lord,

    Angie, you touch the very heart of God with the confidence you have in Him. Your childlike faith, the clinging to the only true God and Jesus Christ whom He sent, is experiencing eternal life. In John 17:3 – And this is eternal life that they would know thee the only true God and Jesus Christ whom thou has sent. As we hear our faith, we can stop and realize that we have died to the law, and been united to another. What a union, flesh of His flesh and bone of His bone.

    Sweetie, we are connected to Him, the only true God. What a Father, the Father of our Lord and Saviour. Our creator has adopted us and we are His and now we can walk in newness of life, and now we can sing forth the praises of God. May He open the eyes of our understanding so that we will know to the hope that we have been called.

    Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly to what we could ever expect or imagine according to the power that works in us mightly through Jesus Christ be glory, honor and power.

    Father, let Angie and I hear our great faith. You said it comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. God of hope fill us with joy and peace in believing that we may dwell in hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. In that precious name of Jesus I pray, Amen

    Love and blessings to you,
    Judie

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  8. Thank God you are home. The Lord brings you to mind often……I think when I am praying for you how you are NEVER off or out of his mind! Ps 139….Where can I go from your presence?

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  9. Oh, Angie, that was beautiful! God has given you the faith to carry on even though it’s not how you would like things to be. I praise Him that you DO believe and that you’re willing to entrust EVERYTHING into His care. I hope this is the end of infection and that you’ll be feeling well in no time!!!

    Love,
    Chanley

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