May 5th

For Thou didst form my inward parts;
Thou didst weave me in my mother’s womb.
Psalm 139: 13

May 5th. All around us are signs of Cinco de Mayo. It’s all over facebook, the news, it’s even on Google calendar. May 5th. A day of celebration.

May 5th. The due date of our first child. The child we lost 8 years ago.

The pregnancy was a surprise. The loss was heartbreaking.

Grief is a funny thing. A heart-stopping, knee-buckling, ache-inducing thing. It hits at the craziest times and the pain takes your breath away. And every May, as the due date of my little lost one approaches, I feel that pain all over again.

I used to wonder how I would ever get over it.

The answer is that you don’t, but one day you wake up and realize you don’t mind carrying it with you.

And 8 1/2 years ago, when I was pregnant with this little one, I wrote these words in my journal:

There is so much excitement and joy… yet so many fears. I am so afraid I will lose you. What if I miscarry and never have the chance to hold you, to love and nurture you?

I am thankful we have a God Who is in control; Who knows what is best for us (all three of us). I take contentment and joy in knowing that if we do lose you here on earth, God will hold you in Heaven.

My child. What volumes those words speak! I am a mom! Not going to be… AM one. And soon, very soon, I pray you will be with us where we can love you in a whole new way.

My child.

I love you.

Beyond words.

No, I never had the chance to hold that sweet child.

But.

I still love my child.

Beyond words.

6 responses to “May 5th”

  1. Angie, I’m still learning things about you, even though I’ve known you since you were wee little. I love how you’ve expressed your being a mother from this point onward. Precious thoughts here.

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  2. Angie, I love that your love is endless. That you love from the inside out. Thank you for being vulnerable and showing me what it means to be a mom whose love is beyond words. I pray one day I will be that kind of mom

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  3. I see an excellent memoir in your future. (No, I don’t have a crystal ball.) I do though! You write with such excellence, it’s inspired. And your thoughts and faith are so filled with truth, even in the midst of grief. I’m so sorry for your loss, and so thankful for your words.

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  4. I was just reflecting on grief recently and thanking God that we won’t have it in Heaven. It is a blessing on earth though, because it is proof of our longing for eternity. And like you mentioned in your post, you don’t mind carrying it around. Thankyou for sharing your little one with us.

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  5. Oh but one day you will hold that precious one!

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  6. I lost one this time of year, too. I do a lot of wondering now…what that child would have been like. Someday, I guess, I will know.

    The words you wrote are beautiful.

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