His Perfect Will

The other day while the boys were in their gymnastics class, I sat with my Bella to watch. She spent most of the time curled on my lap lisping childish comments about her brothers. But then a couple of girls on the sidelines caught her eye. They were playing together, running on a line, trying to jump like frogs, and spinning. Oh, the spinning. It was delightful.

“Mommy, can I ask those girls if I can play with them?” Bella asked.

I loved that she wanted to take that step. “Of course, honey.” I encouraged.

She stood and watched them a for a few more minutes. I could see the longing in her eyes. The ache. Finally she turned back toward me, tears filling her eyes, “But what if they say, ‘No’?”

I thought my heart was going to break in two and spill love all over that room. How can she be so much like me at such a young age?

~~~~~

While driving past the hospital the other day, Bella piped up, “That’s the hospital. That’s where you go to get better. Mommy, do you have to go to the hospital again? Will I have to go to the hospital? Mommy, I am scared to go to the hospital.”

While reading “Dumbo” to her yesterday, Bella cried when Dumbo’s mommy was put in the cage. “Mommy, I cry when you have to get put in your cage.” (Okay, no comments from the peanut gallery.) When I asked her what she meant, she said, “The hospital is your cage. I cry when you go there.”

She’s three. It just doesn’t seem right that a 3-year-old knows all that. Aren’t kids “supposed” to live in this safe bubble of fun and childish delights?

~~~~~

One Friday, I sat in mini-van row outside Asher’s school waiting to pick him up. Bear and Bella played in the front seat together next to me while we waited. Bella especially liked leaning out the window and watching all the big kids leaving the school. She recognized one of Asher’s friends, and waved and waved, “Hi Susie (not her real name)! Hi!” Susie waved excitedly. “Oh!” Bella cried, “Susie waved at me.” Her world was complete. Then Susie turned, looked at Bella, and said snarkily (is that even a word?), “I wasn’t waving at you. I was waving at my friend.” Bella was crushed. She bent her head on my lap and wailed.

It makes my heart hurt.

Kids can be so cruel. And I know my kids are not exempt. They will be cruel, too. They will crush others. And that makes my heart hurt, too.

It is hard to watch my littles grow and learn and hurt and fear. It is even harder to watch them take my characteristics. Characteristics that I don’t like in myself… fear of what others will think, fear of being accepted, easily hurt and feeling the pain etch itself into my heart to stay.

It’s a defining moment when you begin to see yourself in your child, and you realize the things they have in store for them. Part of me doesn’t want Bella to be like me and struggle with the things with which I struggle. But, you know, God doesn’t give us the wrong anything. He doesn’t give us the wrong parents, or the wrong job, or the wrong husband, or the wrong child or the wrong circumstances. He gives us exactly what is perfect for us.

Even the pain that she has suffered and will suffer in the future. It is in order to perfect His will in her life.

That doesn’t diminish the pain. But it helps me get through it.

And I pray it helps her work through it, too.

5 responses to “His Perfect Will”

  1. Angie after reading this post I wanted to scoop up your Bella and give her a big hug 😦 It’s funny, how, as our children get older we start to notice traits coming out in them that resemble ourselves. Some make us smile, while others make our heart a little bit sad b/c we know the struggle that may come for them. I’m so thankful that we have a God who takes the hard things in life and uses them for His purpose and glory. Nothing that happens to us or our children happens in vain, and like you said, it perfects His will in our life.

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  2. Ouch…that last one was a toughie.

    I remember being a crusher…I remember doing things that I pray to God my children don’t do, in the interest of fitting in. Why, oh why, must children be so cruel at times?

    Poor little Bella…give her a hug from this stranger!

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  3. AND I pray it helps ME work through it too! Thank you again.

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  4. Do you know (and therefore love) that Sara Groves song that goes, “Baby I’m afraid you’re a lot like me…you can’t help feeling everything. I can see you trying to hold it in, your eyes and your trembling chin…and for you and myself I will pray, that our weakness becomes our strength…”

    This post reminded me why I love that song so much.

    It’s so hard to just let it go and believe it’s going to be OK, even when it’s NOT OK, you know? So hard. I wish I could protect them from everything…sigh.

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  5. This is for my precious little Bella,

    My sweet one you, are so precious and full of love for everyone that this love will give you the strength to go through anything. Even though you are 3 years old, I need you to bring (sonshine) into my life. You must know now that you do this to many people. You are living with a Mom and Dad that are beautiful examples of His love and that let the sonshine in on you and on you. You are blessed, as well as your brothers.

    I love you sweet one,
    God Bless you,
    Judie
    xoxox

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