A Spring of Joy

There are days where I run to my hiding place under the safe cover of His wings. I haven’t had too many of those lately as life’s barrage wearies me. Instead I run and hide from Him, because when I am with Him I must face what is before me.

Honestly, I’d much rather hide from Him and not think about what lies ahead.

Another visit with the oncologist… anemia continues, results of chemo, radiation, lupus, radioactive iodine.

“Your body is just beat up.” he said to me, holding my 3-inch thick file in his hands.

As is my mind and my heart.

There is pain.

Unexplained. In my abdomen. My right side. The same side as…

I refuse to go there.

But I must.

Wednesday I face another CT Scan to see why there is pain.

And the fear and pain consume.

So I hide from it, and in hiding from it, I end up hiding from Him.

Then the night falls. I am awake all night with my thoughts and my fears.

And there is nowhere to hide from those.

Nowhere, except for in Him.

And He draws me close and shelters me.

Me. The one who hides from Him. The one who refuses to go there. The one afraid to face reality.

And I am hiding again.

Only this time it is in the One place that I find true rest from this chaotic, turbid mess that I have become.

I am scared, y’all, because I cannot face it again.