I Can’t Hear You

There is a train that goes by our house once a week, sometimes more. Off in the distance we can hear its whistle announcing its arrival. And every time that whistle blows, Bella comes running, hands over her ears, tears streaming down her face. “MOMMY! The twain! Is loud!” She screams in complete and utter terror. I often run to meet her halfway knowing her fear.
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A few days ago we were upstairs. I was folding laundry and she was building houses in the boys’ room. I heard the far-off whistle alarm blowing, and I met her in the hallway, holding her, soothing her. Once the train arrived, we watched it and, like always she was fascinated, held safely in my arms. That day the train arrived and slowly breezed through our town. She returned to her play and I returned to our walk-in closet, hanging shirts, arranging shoes. I didn’t hear the clang of the train cars returning, backing up to meet a new engine.

“Mommy!” she called. “Where are you?”

“In here, babe. In the closet.”

She arrived at the door, tears streaming down her face, “I was looking for you, but I couldn’t hear you.”

That, my friends, is how I am feeling every. single. day. The depression, pain and fatigue are so overwhelming and all I can think is, “Where are you God? I can’t hear you. How am I supposed to do all this without you?”

But the truth of the matter is that He is still there, just like I was when Audrey called. I had never left, she was still safe, and just because she couldn’t hear me or know where I was, didn’t change truth.

And truth is God is here and God hears. He hasn’t left just because I feel like I can’t find Him. His character isn’t based on my experience or my feelings.

And as the clanging of my life’s train cars crash into the chaos of my life, deafening His voice, I will keep looking for Him, and calling because I know He is here.

And one day the sadness will lift forever, the fatigue will be replaced with abundant energy, and the pain will disappear, and all I will have left is eternity hearing His voice.

Lord, teach me to listen. The times are noisy and my ears are weary with the thousand raucous sounds which continuously assault them… Let me hear Thee speaking in my heart. Let me get used to the sound of Thy voice, that its tones may be familiar when the sounds of earth die away and the only sound will be the music of Thy speaking voice. (~A.W. Tozer)

9 responses to “I Can’t Hear You”

  1. Thank you Angie. Enduring love that continues even when we can’t feel it, see it, hear it, touch it. How great is our God.

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  2. Oh Angie…

    Yes, yes, I am praying for that one day…

    Until then may our ever attentive Father run to meet you half way…
    and hold you close in His embrace.

    I am so glad to have found you out there in this vast blogsphere. You bless my heart with your honesty, your courage, your faith. I am grateful.

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  3. I so often feel this way too. It starts to feel so lonely, even when we know that we know that we know that He is there, doing His work.
    Love this post.

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  4. He is here, isn’t He?
    I ask that rhetorically.
    I ask that in hope laced with doubt.

    I love, my friend. I am so sad that you are still walking through this mess. I pray for healing for you while you are still on this earth. I pray that God would continue to show Himself to you.

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  5. That’s “I love you, my friend.” Oops. I don’t just love. I love you. 🙂

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  6. Romans 8
    18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that[i] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

    22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

    26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.

    Love you friend.

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  7. judieyoung@hotmail.com Avatar
    judieyoung@hotmail.com

    My dear dear one,

    Sweetie, my heart goes out to you. I have had many moments when I wondered if I would ever be delivered from the nagging fears, and pain that I was experiencing. I had to learn that His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in my weakness. To have the strength to glory in my weakness, was my moving forward in Him and that was uncharted territory for me.

    My precious one, I weep with you and rejoice with you. I love you dearly.

    Blessings abounding to you,
    Judie

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  8. Hugs from me.

    A beautiful story. You always seem to have the most wonderful stories to represent your thoughts.

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  9. Dear Angie,
    Your blog is a ministry. It ministers to my soul, for one, everytime I open it up. And I just want to say thank you. SO much. I check it so often, and with a sense of anticipation – hoping, HOPING you have been moved to write. And I always leave it built up in the faith.
    I grieve for you in your pain and know I can’t come close to knowing how deeply you hurt. I pray for you. And I thank God for the powerful gift of expression He has given you… that we might know more of Him through you.
    Thank you for your words today that reach through circumstance and remind me of our God who whispers loving-kindness into the heart.

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