Coming Down the Pipeline

Yes, there is something coming down the pipeline. For the last year we have lived in limbo. We knew these next few months were coming, but it’s easy to push it back when it’s months away. It’s not so easy to push back now.

Last year. Thyroid cancer recurrence. I had surgery and radioactive iodine treatment and 3 weeks separated from my loves.

This year. We find out if it all worked. They don’t know if there is still tumor in my neck or not. And because of how high my treatment dosage was, they had to wait a year to find out, because scanning my neck requires another, much smaller, dose of radioactive iodine.

It’s surreal, y’all, to know that in one month I will find out whether or not I still have cancer. To have a doctor possibly say those words for the fourth time. FOURTH time!

In order to have the follow-up and scan, I have to go off my thyroid meds. A refresher for those who don’t know or remember last year. Your thyroid controls your body metabolism, emotional centers, temperature, hunger, thirst, anger and circadian rhythms. I’ve been off my medicine for almost 3 weeks now, and just the past couple days I’ve begun spiraling downward fast.

What does this mean?

Well, I have little metabolism, which means I have little to no energy to get through the day without frequent rest or naps. I am twice as emotional as I usually am, and sometimes it’s like a switch just turns on and I’m crying or angry or depressed for absolutely no reason, and I have no control over it. I have no appetite. I am exhausted, but not sleeping well through the nights; however I do fall asleep by 8:00 which means Bri and I rarely see each other any more. I am freezing cold all. the. time. Blue fingernails, y’all. Pretty much, it’s miserable. And my brain can’t seem to make peace with knowing it’s not controllable, because, well, I’m a control freak.

When they dose me for the scan, I’ll have to be separated from the kids for 4 days. That’s mid-February. Both my boys have already started crying about it… they didn’t do this last time. They’re older. They’re getting it.

And then I find out.

I find out if there’s still tumor in my neck.

If it’s clear, then I’m done. DONE! (other than routine follow-up and monitoring, that is.)

And if there is still tumor, y’all, they don’t know what to do. Because giving me another super high dose of radioactive iodine increases my chances of getting leukemia. They could do surgery. Only the neurosurgeon doesn’t want to do surgery unless it’s absolutely necessary.

My tumor was located underneath scar tissue and resting on my vocal cords. If they do a third surgery, the likelihood of damage to my vocal cords is high.

It’ll be basically a lesser of two evils approach. Which has the greater risk?

I’m scared, friends. Very scared.

And overwhelmed.

And I covet your prayers… for strength to get me through the next 6 weeks, for faith to cling when I’m so exhausted from clinging for 2 1/2 years already, and please pray for a clear scan, so that we can be done.

And pray for my family. Brian is overwhelmed, too. He takes kids to school, goes to work all day, comes home to help with supper and clean up and baths and bedtime, and car repairs and home repairs, and life in general that he’ll put on hold for a while to care for his family. And he has work at night to do, too. So I curl up on the couch next to him and I sleep while he sits with his laptop and does more work… because I am craving every moment together, just feeling his presence next to me.

My boys are scared, especially Asher. He has been melting down ever since our trip to Arizona. Melting down in ways we haven’t seen in years. He curled up on my lap last night and cried, and I rocked him and held him and told him we’d get through this. All of us. And he said, “Mommy, it’s just all scary, and confusing and out of control.” (Yes, the poor child has inherited my control freak nature.)

Bella is the only one. She still doesn’t get it, and she trots happily about the house singing and twirling and hugging me when I cry.

And speaking of Bella. I hear little footsteps bouncing down the stairs (who bounces at 6:30 a.m.?!). And now I see a little red-headed pixie peeking around the corner at me. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to catch some snuggle time before I fix breakfast.

17 responses to “Coming Down the Pipeline”

  1. Praying for peace for all of you and for a good report next month.


  2. Oh Father, I come to You asking that you protect the hearts of Buddy, Bear, and Bella. Draw them even closer to Yourself. Continue to give Angie courage and perseverance. You promised that Your strength is made perfect in our weakness. I claim that promise for Angie and Brian now. That in their clinging, You would hold them in such a way that they can feel Your strength in them. I ask, too, that You would keep Angie’s body free of cancer, that her scan would be clear. We long for heaven. We know that we were not made for this sin and Fall riddled earth, so help us to glorify You in it. Because of Jesus life, death, and resurrection, I pray this in His name. Amen.


  3. I will be in steady prayer for you and your family. I know you know this song, and truthfully the whole song is incredibly aplicable, but I’d like to share with you one of my favorite verses from “Oh Love That Will Not Let Me Go”:

    “Oh joy that seeketh me through pain,
    I cannot my heart to thee;
    I trace the rainbow through the rain,
    And feel the promise is not vain,
    That morn shall tearless be.”

    Love you, Angie!


  4. I am praying for you my sweet friend! You are in my thoughts & prayers often even though I am not on line as often. Thank you for expressing your feelings so honestly and open. May God wrap you in His love and strength durning this hard time.


  5. Lifting you guys up..


  6. Avatar

    My precious one,

    Oh the evidence of Himself will be great!! You will see a revelation of Christ and the outcome will be the salvation of your soul. This firey ordeal is not for nothing. He is at work with a mighty work for all of us to praise Him.

    God bless you forever,


  7. I don’t pretend to know what this is like, friend. I’m just so sorry you have to live it. Peace and prayers to you…


  8. Oh Angie. I’ll be thinking and praying hard for you and your family. Hugs.


  9. Oh Angie. We are praying for you and will continue to as this next month goes by. I can’t even begin to imagine what you and your family are going through. I am so glad that you are trusting in One who is able to hold you up and care for you so perfectly.

    I actually had my thyroid taken out when I was in high school and had to be off medicine for awhile right after so I know what that is like – it is the pits and I am so so sorry you are going through that. Praying for supernatural strength to get what you need to done and peace to let the things go that you can’t do.

    Much love sweet sister,


  10. Dear Angie,

    I’ve never met you. I stumbled across your blog when I was looking for a verse to encourage a friend a few weeks ago. I began reading one of your entries and was blown away. You have encouraged me through your words of sincerity, love, and humility. You have tasted and seen that the Lord is good, even when facing great trials and uncertainty. I was so moved by your “One Thousand Gifts,” and have decided that I want to live my life like that, praising the Lord for the gifts that we take for granted so easily – each single breath is a gift, tomorrow is not guaranteed.

    I am 21 yrs. old and am finishing up my last year of college. I’ve never done this before…haha…stalked someone’s blog. So, I know this is a little strange. But, thank you, thank you, thank you. You have touched my life in a very special way and encouraged me in my walk with the Lord. I will be praying for you during this time.

    –From a sister in Christ

    A poem of encouragement…

    What Cancer Cannot Do

    “Cancer is so limited…
    It cannot cripple Love
    It cannot shatter Hope
    It cannot corrode Faith
    It cannot destroy Peace
    It cannot kill Friendship
    It cannot suppress Memories
    It cannot silence Courage
    It cannot invade the Soul
    It cannot steal Eternal Life
    It cannot conquer the Spirit”


  11. “I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” Isa 45:3

    I love you.


  12. Oh my far away friend… how I am praying for you. The word the Lord gave me for the year is heavy laden with promise. May you (may we all…) live in this Truth this day and all the days ahead.

    But I call to God,
    and the LORD saves me.

    Evening, morning and noon
    I cry out in distress,

    and he hears my voice.

    He ransoms me unharmed

    (Psalm 55:18)

    My prayer for you my sweet friend … may you walk this day, and all the days forward, ransomed and unharmed.



  13. Oh Angie, I am praying for you.


  14. My problems…my frustrations…they are all so insignificant and I feel like such an idiot for whining when I read something like this, and try to understand what you are going through, Angie.

    My prayers are always with you. And remember, we are going to meet up this year. So you just hang in there. And if there is anything I can do, other than pray for you and your family, you let me know. And I mean that.


  15. Be reminded friend that I am praying and then praying some more!


  16. Dearest Angie, I’ve been reading and rereading I Peter and finding treasures about suffering…so here’s my prayer for you: “But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.” I cannot totally enter into your suffering…I pray from a distance…but I KNOW what if feels like to be held, to be kept by this “God of all grace”, during suffering. That’s what I so desire for you…to know He is with you in the suffering, holding you, even as you hold your precious children when they suffer. I love you.


  17. Praying that our merciful Father will give you wonderful news….cancer FREE! Check you blog regularly and appreciate you sharing what the Lord has taught you. You’ve had to go through some very fiery trials, but you’re looking like GOLD!


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