A Spring of Joy

Often I will grab my little Bella close in my arms and whisper, “Stop it, girlie, just stop it. You’re not allowed to grow up anymore.”

She will wriggle and giggle and sparkle like she always does, “Mooooommmmyyy, I can’t stop gwowing up. God made me dis way.”

While I can’t argue with that, there are days that I want to.

She celebrates her birthday on Saturday.

I miss her being little. I miss changing diapers and tickling toes. I miss nursing her in the dark of her room to the soft whisper of the glider rocker. I miss patty-cake and first steps and her tiny hand circling my finger. I miss breathing in her scent as she nuzzles in the spot under my neck formed just perfectly for her. I miss her lisping words, “Yuv you, Mommy.” It’s not about having babies (although I delight in that). It’s about missing HER as a baby.

But then if she were always a baby, I’d miss all this, too. The growing up. The learning to write her letters and trace her hand. The cooking dates in the kitchen together. The walks through our yard patting horses’ noses. The dancing and the singing and the stories. The swinging together on our swingset. The smell of raspberry shampoo and the tickle of red tendrils as she snuggles in with her books. Amazingly, that spot on my neck has grown with her and she still fits just perfectly.

And the sparkles. Oh, the sparkles.

The sparkles seem to never go away. She only becomes more fizzy and glittery and shimmery and bubbly as she grows.

I miss the past. I hold on to today. And I can’t wait for the future.

She has so much to teach me.

When you reach the proper age
I will teach you to read and you can turn the pages
How to dress and tie your shoes
Your one plus ones, and your two times two’s
And you’ll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most important things
And all that i have lost along the way
And I can’t wait

As you grow, I’ll show you things
How to ride your bike and kick your legs out on the swings
To fold your hands and bow your head
How to say your prayers before you go to bed
And you’ll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most important things
And all that I have lost along the way
And I can’t wait

How do you sleep so peacefully?
How do you trust unflinchingly?
How do you love so faithfully?
How do you dance so joyfully?

Oh you’ll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most important (essential) things
And all that i have lost along the way

And I can’t
No I can’t

Come teach me
Of love and dreams
And all the most essential things
And all that I have lost along the way
Cause I can’t wait

(c) Sara Groves, from Station Wagon: Songs for Parents

Happy Birthday, Bella Girl!