Another Round Begins

This will be a pretty raw post, because that’s where I am, so consider yourself forewarned.

Raw. Bloodied. Beaten. Wounded. Exhausted.

Another round begins… more scans, more blood work, more appointments, more follow up and more surgery.

It’s long and it’s complicated, and I am completely overwhelmed.

I saw a specialist this week who is sending me for several follow up scans. She’s the one that looked at me and said, “Because you’re at such a high risk for recurrence… blah, blah, blah….

I didn’t hear much after that. I knew that was the case, but it is honestly the first time a doctor has voiced it to me. I felt an enormous wave of dizziness engulf me. High risk for recurrence. I find myself working through acceptance all over again just in a very different way.

She is having me do a centi-mammography scan. That’s where they inject a tracer dye into your foot vein (yes, I said foot vein) and it shows cancer on the cellular level. They are checking my healthy breast. That will be sometime in May.

It was at that point I found I couldn’t breathe. I’ve always had a hate-hate relationship with needles. Ever since my five hour torture session with the vampires at the hospital, it’s been escalated to panic attacks. I’ve been nauseated ever since she mentioned it. It is a terror on a level I can’t even begin to explain. (Please, don’t tell me, “I hate needles, too.” This goes far beyond hatred. This is counseling level struggle–and yes, I’ve seen the cancer center counselor numerous times about it.)

And the pain I’ve been having since surgery? She confirmed. It is chronic pain. Chronic. As in it will never go away.

She is also concerned about my risk for ovarian cancer. Thus another surgery. A preventative one. That will be sometime soon, too, although I have to call and make the necessary appointments to make it happen. And I have to figure out when I can fit that into my schedule.

My schedule. I need to pursue physical therapy for my lymphedema which isn’t clearing up. I need to make an eye appointment for the constant tearing that’s happening in my eyes (another chemo side effect). I don’t even know where or when to fit those in.

And on top of all this, we are taking sweet Ash to the pediatric rheumatologist in May because he is in so much pain and discomfort. He hasn’t slept a night through in months.

How do I do all this?

I know this is all “good”… it’s proactive… it’s to help keep that recurrence from coming.

When I heard that I was clear from cancer two months ago, I convinced myself that by May we’d be done. I’d be moving on.

I am watching the death of another dream, and I am done in.

Done in, y’all.

For the first time since this all began almost three years ago, I am questioning whether I really believe anything I’ve written. I am questioning God. His very being. Who He is.

And that makes me cry. All the time.

Because of all the things that I suffer through, this is the one thing I do not think I can handle. I cannot handle uncertainty in my faith in Him. I know the irony in this… that my even saying I can’t handle Him not being here is proof that He is.

So I spend my days alone, hiding tears from my children, taking ragged breaths and trying to give them normalcy in the midst of chaos.

My arsenal is bare, and I have had no time to replenish before the next wave of battle hit.

Raw. Bloodied. Beaten. Wounded. Exhausted. Uncertain. Alone.

That is me.

A sweet mom from our sons’ school emailed me today and wrote very simply, “I am praying for a peaceful heart.”

Will you pray for this, too? I just long for peace.

“PEACE. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.” ~Unknown

20 responses to “Another Round Begins”

  1. Yes, yes, I am praying and will be praying. You don’t know me, but know that I am praying.


  2. “Perhaps the gaps are what make faith possible, especially when the pain is unbearable. If there were no doubt, why would we need faith? Perhaps the doubts must be acknowledged, accepted, embraced, and pushed past before our faith is strong enough, not just to talk about, but to sustain.” Susan BanBreathnach

    Part of this being real with God and with one another is acknowledging the gaps. Yes, even being grateful for what they teach us. “Faith is the substance of things hoped for. The evidence of things not seen.”

    Standing in the gap with you, friend. He can be trusted. I love you.


  3. I have been praying for that very thing for you.

    I wish I could do more.

    Peace be with you, Angie.


  4. I pray for peace for you. Though no one can go through these things for you. I will like Hur and Aaron hold up your arms in battle.

    Peace to you my sweet daughter, peace


  5. Reading this post tore at my heart. Reading your mom’s comment brought me to tears. We are praying for you, for healing, for peace, for faith, for patience, for strength, for endurance, for love, for overcoming fears. And we are praying for your family while you go through this battle.


  6. Crying. Hurting for you. Praying peace.


  7. Yes I will be praying for you. Love you.


  8. Carol Crabtree Avatar
    Carol Crabtree

    Oh, Angie…I can’t say anything great…Only that you become more precious to me each day, as I weep for(with) you when you weep, rejoice with you when you rejoice. And all I can promise you in this black hole you are looking down into, is that we have to go thru these damn black holes, but we also get to go through them not alone, tho it feels so frighteningly so. You will come out stronger Jesus has felt your pain, and your fear…he sweat blood from his fear and anguish from the cross He knew he would bear…He is our great priest and familiar with our sufferings. Claim your faith…no matter your doubts…He will not let you go, Angie. I’m so sorry. Why must some of us bear so much? Why? And then our children too? It seems to much. And the answers, though there are answers, sometimes only God knows, and when people try to give God’s answers, it becomes harder. Yet, I tell God, do ANYTHING to me or my family, that will bring us closer to you, and my loved ones, give them NO rest, until they are secure in you. I know you would say the same thing. Yet everyone wants to give us an answer for everything. God would have us be still. Oh, how much I am learning. And Angie, your faith has brought me farther than you know. I love you. I will pray for you, in a renewed and faithful way, each day, I will remember you again. You have truly been one of my heroes. Thank you for your honesty. I know my God and your God, will give you the strength to get through this day, and the days to come, and prayerfully He has many, many days of joyful peace for you and your beautiful, loving family.


  9. Oh Angie,

    I am so sorry. I was so thrilled that all the treatments were done and over. I was so happy for you, Brian and the kids that your life could maybe now be pieced back together to some kind of normal.

    I am and will continue to go before our King in prayer for you.

    Call me if you need help watching the kids. I can come some mornings. Evenings are a bit full.

    We love you and your family dearly.



  10. Avatar

    My sweet Angie, my precious sister,

    We have the love of God shed abroad in hearts through Jesus Christ. Here is our comfort as we go through these storms.

    Phillippians 4:6-7 – “Be careful for nothing but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known unto God. And the peace of God which passeth all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

    Thanks be to God that He promises peace and He is our peace in the midst of the storm tossed life.

    May His grace, mercy and peace be multiplied to you in fullest measure. For the mind set on the spirit is life and soul peace.

    Love and blessings,


  11. As the tears fall, I am reminded of what a blessing you are to others. Dear Sister, in a world full of pain and suffering know that you do not labor alone. We, the Church, are a family and so we bear with one another during times of struggle. We lift you up when you are weak, because He is strong. Please know we continue to pray for you guys.


  12. Yes! I am praying for peace for you.

    My heart aches knowing you must face needles – my husband has a very similar reaction and it is gut-wrenching watching him go through the panic attack. Knowing exactly what you will go through breaks my heart.

    I wish there was more I could say.

    Please know I am praying for you.


  13. Oh Angie. Praying for you daily and will continue to do so. You are loved by a Mighty God and he will not forget you or let go of you, not even for a second.



  14. My precious friend . . . many times I have “borrowed” your faith when mine was gone. There will be many, many prayers offered up for you. I love you, dear one.


  15. YES, I AM praying… can count on that! I am SO very sorry for your continued hard news. I am praying…….


  16. Melissa Bruining Teeter Avatar
    Melissa Bruining Teeter

    oh sweet one. Wish I could give you a long hug. Love you. Miss you.


  17. Praying hard. I’m thinking of you and sending good vibes. Hugs!


  18. Prayers for peace for you and your dear family.


  19. Praying.

    “Raw. Bloodied. Beaten. Wounded. Exhausted. Uncertain. Alone.”

    Sounds like someone else we know, too. Errr, maybe that’s better said: sounds like some else who knows us.


  20. Prayers for peace for you tonight…


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