Seeing in the Dark

It hit my Bear this afternoon. The reality. Mommy is going to the hospital again. He tried to talk, but his voice was shaking so much, “Buuutt, will I ggggeet to come ssssee you?” He was trying so hard to be strong and brave.

Aren’t we all in this house?

I fell to the floor and pulled him close, tucking his head under my chin, trying to hide my own tears, “Oh, Bear.” He wept for 15 minutes. “I just don’t want you to leave me again. What if you don’t come back?” he said when he could finally talk, and it took everything in me from jumping to the phone and canceling this surgery.

Those 15 minutes felt like hours. Every sob tore at my heart and rubbed open scars to create fresh wounds again, ripping and bleeding into my soul.

I haven’t slept well in days. I am exhausted and overwhelmed with all the things I must put in place before I am out of place. I am wrestling constantly to take every thought captive.

The night is the worst. The darkness. It sits in the corner of my room and waits. Waits for the lights to go out, for my breathing to even, and then it pounces knowing when the sky is black, the darkness is heaviest. And it whispers to my fears, and I lie awake through the night begging God for safety and faith and peace.

Y’all I am terrified of this surgery.

Not the procedure. I’ve had so many surgeries, the procedures feel like old hat to me.

It’s the terror of cancer. The track record that says, “He’s going to cut into you and find out that what you were trying to prevent is already there.”

I’m so afraid he’s going to find something. Another monster that will wreck our already damaged vessels.

(Side note: I’ve been told by many who are genuinely trying to encourage me how unlikely that is and to not be afraid. I understand and am grateful for that. But y’all, it was highly unlikely that I get breast cancer. I did all the “right” things to prevent it. I had a .6% chance of a thyroid cancer recurrence, yet I had one. So I’m asking, please, don’t point to unlikelihoods, point to Jesus. I need Him more than I need percentages.)

The fear is real. The fear is valid. That I know.

So I whisper fiercely to Brian, “You tell them. You tell them every day how much their mommy loves them. And you have them say it back to you, so you know how much I love you, too. Just in case something happens. You promise me.” And he promises, then tells me he’ll wait to hear it in person after my surgery.

But in the midst of the very real fear, I know my God is more real. And my God is true.

And while I grab my husband and pull him close, while I make him promise me, I cling to promises, too. Promises that God will never leave me, nor my family, and forsake us. I remind myself, my family of all He has done for us these past three years. Then my Ash humbles me with, “You forgot one, Mom. Jesus died on the cross. That’s the best thing of all.”

More truth.

So while my Thursday may hold many unknowns, my future with Him holds secure. I cling to that.

While this is about me, about us, at the same time it’s so not about me, about us.

It’s about Him. His perfect plan. And I bow my head and whisper, “Thy will, not mine, be done.

And then I can see in the darkness.

The darker my night feels, the brighter His promises shine.

Grace. Hope. Promise. Peace.

Grace will decimate what you think of you, while giving you a security of identity you’ve never had; expose your deepest sins of heart, while covering every failure with the blood of Jesus; make you face how weak you are, while blessing you with power beyond your ability to calculate; take control out of your hands, while blessing you with the care of One whose plan is unshakable and perfect in every way. (~Paul Tripp)

5 responses to “Seeing in the Dark”

  1. Oh Ang… your fear is real.. I am understanding it more each day. I pray for you, that God will give you peace and his grace will overflow. I love you and am thankful that you are a part of my life, now more than years ago with what we share…. I am praying for those kiddos! They have a wonderful godly example of a mom— I pray that I can be a glimmer of that!
    praying my dear friend.
    In Him


  2. Grieving with you. Clinging with you. Hoping with you. Trusting with you (this one’s a little harder…).

    Grieving for you. Clinging for you. Hoping for you. Trusting for you.

    You are not alone, we are with and for you.



  3. Dearest and Sweet Ang,
    I’m praying…praying hard for you and clinging to Jesus with you. Oh, how I wish you didn’t have to go through this again, but I know God in his Infinite power and His whole being will secure you safe in His arms no matter what. Surgeries are tough….I for one know scary it can be; yet my fear is a different fear than how you feel. Every surgery doesn’t get easier; hopefully it just points you closer to God and I see that so evident in your life.

    I’ll be praying for you and your upcoming surgery; for God to comfort you and give you peace; I will pray for your Brian and your children to hold on to God and His everlasting and enduring promises; I pray that they find comfort in place of fear and really know how much they are loved by you and Your Father.

    Love you so much,


  4. Praying that all will go well. Praying for no cancer to be there. Praying that our God, will give you peace in the morning, and will help you as you endure the pain from the surgery, and that He will lift your countenance. Praying for safety, and for a good report, and that God will be with you in the days to come. Love Carol


  5. I’m sorry it is hard. Praying for you.

    I’m reminded of Ed Welch’s words that God saves some of his greatest encouragements for the most fearful among us….and he says them over and over. “Do not fear I am with you. ” “Peace and grace,” (which is more than a simple salutation),” “Do not be anxious….(why?)….the Lord is near.” These are repeated and repeated and repeated to us in the Bible. He knows we fear.

    I’m praying that what you know about Jesus will be very, very real to you and that you will know that he is close and that he cares. For more than data….for you to know his presence.


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