A Spring of Joy

Desperation. Frenzy. Anxiety. Melancholy. Darkness.

These are words that describe me these past weeks since my surgery. Even in the joyous news that all my pathology came back clear, there is an unsettled gloom that hangs. I know a large part of it is just the path of recovering, and crazy medications, and new medications my body must adjust to, and old medications that have become unbalanced, and a body that has been hacked into and anesthetized once again.

But I also know a large part of it is because I am fixing my eyes here.

I am only seeing the pile of bills and the dwindling accounts. I am only seeing the thermometers rise as flus invade my children and husband and infection invades my own body. I am only seeing chaos and mess around me as I can’t keep up my home. I am only seeing the empty frozen pizza boxes and agonizing over the unhealthy foods I’m feeding my family on days when I’m too tired to cook. I am only seeing the lack of time I have with my husband and the ways he fails me. I am only seeing the grief and pain in the lives of those I love.

Yes. I am a narcissist. I am only seeing me and how it all affects me.

And in the midst of it all, my primal cry emerges.

I only want to see Him!

Desperation. Frenzy. Anxiety. Melancholy. Darkness.

They all push me to one place.

LONGING.

My joy cannot come from all the whirl and swirl of my circumstances. It cannot come from what is happening around me.

It can only come from the One Who lives in me.

This song, Captivated, by Vicky Beeching, says it all. I have listened to it over and over these past weeks, turning it into a prayer as I go about my days.

LONGING.

For one unbroken gaze to see Him.

Instead of seeing the piles of bills and dwindling accounts, seeing the riches of a King Who has given me everything. Instead of seeing the thermometers rise as flus invade my children and husband, seeing the hand of a Healer Whose tender care reaches out to every sniffle. Instead of seeing chaos and mess around me, seeing the love of Christ through my mother who becomes my hands and helps me keep it all intact. Instead of seeing the unhealthy foods I’m feeding my family on days when I’m too tired to cook, seeing the Heavenly Provider Who knows all our need. Instead of seeing the ways my husband fails me, seeing the heart of my Heavenly Husband Who shows himself through my Brian (and trust me, I fail him far more than he fails me). Instead of only seeing the grief and pain in the lives of those I love, seeing the loving hand of a Father who will one day wipe away all their tears.

But beyond all of this.

To just see Him.

To see His beauty.

With an unbroken gaze.

Desperation. Frenzy. Anxiety. Melancholy. Darkness.

All part of living in this fallen world. My gaze will falter.

LONGING.

One day.

My gaze will be unbroken.

And longing turns into HOPE.

And hope will not disappoint.

Your laughter it echoes like a joyous thunder
Your whisper it warms me like a summer breeze
Your anger is fiercer than the sun in its splendour
You’re close and yet full of mystery
Ever since the day that I saw Your face
Try as I may, I cannot look away, I cannot look away…

Captivated by You
I am captivated by You
May my life be one unbroken gaze
Fixed upon the beauty of Your face

Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my gaze
I become more like You and my heart is changed
Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my view
Transform me into the likeness of You

This is what I ask, for all my days
That I may, never look away, never look away…
No other could ever be as beautiful
No other could ever steal my heart away
I just can’t look away…

(Captivated, by Vicky Beeching, from her album Yesterday, Today & Forever)