…to give Him thanks and praise.
Yesterday I drove through the still glorious autumn mountains to my 3-month follow-up with my endocrinologist (translate: thyroid doctor). I dropped off my Bella at Grandma’s house for the morning, still laughing over her comments through the drive… “Mommy, can I have your lip gloss? Because mine’s just lip BALM, and it’s really quite boring.” (Have I ever mentioned we’re doomed?) We chatted about how beautiful the sun on the trees is and we talked about how fun it was a Grandma’s.
Once I arrived at the hospital, I sat and read while waiting and journaled gems of quotes from one of my favorite authors, Madeleine L’Engle. The doctor checked my levels, heart, lungs, etc. We discussed future follow-up to come in February (another radioactive scan). It was all just normal follow-up, then she said, “Let me check your neck one last time,” and my heart skipped a beat.
She was quiet. I’ve learned not to like it when the doctor is quiet.
“We need to schedule an ultrasound of your neck. There’s a thickness on the left side (where my cancer was) that I want to check. With your high risk…”
I didn’t really hear anything else she said (there was something about another surgery and treatment if they find something), because the voices in my head took over.
Immediately, they screamed at me, “See? Just when you thought you were at the end of the road, something else slams you. Don’t you know this is how it always goes with you?”
We scheduled things, and I got to the car more numb than anything. I called my Bri and we talked about it. I got to Mom’s house, ate her delicious chicken salad and sat with her and Daddy (who came home half day that day) and we talked about it. I was okay as long as I was talking about it.
It’s when I think about it that the fear sets in.
The best way to describe my yesterday is resigned.
This is the way it goes.
Then on the way home, I heard the Sursum Corda (a 3rd century liturgy) as sung on the City on a Hill: Sing Alleluia cd. A blessing. A lifting up of hearts to God. A giving of thanks.
Priest: The Lord be with you.
People: And also with you.
Priest: Lift up your hearts.
People: We lift them [up] to the Lord.
Priest: Let us give thanks to the Lord our God.
People: It is right to give [him] thanks and praise.
My spirit calmed.
Yes, this is the way it goes.
But it doesn’t change the beauty of what still is.
The mountains were still glorious. My Bella-girl was curled asleep still in her car seat. My hubby was still loving me, calling on the phone to check and see how I was doing. My boys were still waiting with giddy anticipation for date night with Mom.
Life is still my gift to live, no matter where it takes me.
My ultrasound is November 30th. Will you please pray for no cancer and will you pray for my heart and the hearts of my loved ones as we wait?
And will you praise Him for the life He’s given us?
It is right to give Him thanks and praise.
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