Last week I drove to pick up my children from school on a rainy, chilly, misty day. Their school sits at the base of a mountain, and as I drove I marveled at how different the mountain looked. Hidden by mist and fog, clouds covering its peak, the mountain was hidden from my view.
How like the past two weeks of my life!
I am struggling with a keen sense of heaviness. It is as if I am surrounded in a fog of war as I battle against the whispers of Satan who loves to tell me lies.
Inability to see.
Believing things are there that aren’t.
Believing things aren’t there that are.
“This can’t be good for you.”
“You should be done and be happy moving on.”
“This isn’t fair.”
“Everyone is so over you and your cancer. They’re going to give up on you.”
“Brian’s internalizing means he doesn’t care about you.”
“God doesn’t love you.”
After piling my boys into our van, I began the drive home and the mists began to clear over the mountain. The fall colors on the trees were stunning. I still couldn’t see the whole mountain, but what I could see had me craning my neck for more.
I sighed and thought about this mountain in my life.
This new fear we are facing as I go in for the ultrasound tomorrow.
The truth is my whole life is walking a mountain range, and it is daunting. Full of valleys and mists and fog. But it doesn’t change my God. Just like the mountain. It may have been hidden, but it was still there. The mountain didn’t change because of the fog. It was the same. Just like my God.
It is daunting.
This fog of war in my life.
But it doesn’t change truth. And His Spirit whispers.
“All things are for your good.”
“You are His child and He loves you.”
“Brian’s faithfulness to you only shows his love, even when he struggles himself.”
“There will always be pain, but there is hope.”
“You have ME. This means joy even when things aren’t happy.”
What I saw that day was this: the grayness of the sky, the obscurity of the mists… they only brought to life the vibrancy of the colors I could see… the beauty of the mountain.
Just like my Jesus.
The fog of war only shows His glory.
I’ll fix my eyes upon the Savior.
It’s a beautiful view.
(My test is 10:30 on Tuesday morning. I’m not sure when I will know results. Thank you for your continued prayers.)