This morning the boys and I spent some time in Psalm 103 together making lists of reasons to praise God. It was beautiful to see their eyes light up with each attribute they found in the psalm and then to rejoice together in prayer for all that God is.
Praise the Lord, my soul,
And do not forget how kind He is.
The prayers that many of you offered brought great peace last night and this morning as I made my way to the doctor’s office, knowing the choice we had made. Bri and I decided that we would take the step of faith and risk the injections not being covered to save our family months of emotional upheaval.
So this morning, I plugged in my iPod, cranked up the worship music, and I drove and I prayed. I prayed for clarity from the doctor that she would either confirm or deny this choice. And I prayed for peace. Lord, we know what we want to do, where we want to go. Give us your eyes to see if it is right for us.
And peace flooded through me. This is yes. This is Him.
The doctor confirmed that all my thyroid levels are off and gave me a new dosage. This should help with a lot of the emotional drain, fatigue and hormonal symptoms I have been having. Then we talked about the scan.
She couldn’t have been more plain. “I think what is best for you is to go the injection route,” she said. “You are already miserable enough, depleting you would only make you more miserable.”
And I nodded and smiled as peace flooded through me. This is yes. This is Him.
She also gave me some suggestions for dealing with the insurance company, and I have just gotten off the phone with them. On my desk next to me is a post-it note with not only the confirmation that they will indeed cover the injections, but it holds the exact code the doctor is to use when they file my claim. We are looking at about a $400 bill.
And I got off the phone and cried as peace flooded through me. This is yes. This is Him.
Come the beginning of March I will have the week of injections and scans and sequestering, and I heave a deep breath, steeling myself for what is to come.
And as I breathe peace floods through me. This is yes. This is Him.
He knows what we are made of;
He remembers that we are dust.
Those of you who have never struggled with panic or anxiety may not understand how hard this decision was for me, because y’all, choosing the injections is choosing fear and panic and anxiety. As weird as it sounds, 12 weeks of depletion is safer for me. It involves no needles and I know exactly what to expect. The nightmares, the panic, the oppressive crush in my chest… this is what I am choosing, because I know God is bigger. Because I know this is best for the ones I love. Because He knows my frame, and I’m laying that in His hands, too.
And as I lay it all in His hands yet again, peace floods through me. This is yes. This is Him.
Thank you for praying.
Once again, I am humbled beyond words.