A Spring of Joy

May 5th. All around us are signs of Cinco de Mayo. It’s all over Facebook, the news, it’s even on Google calendar. May 5th. A day of celebration.

May 5th. The due date of our first child. The child we lost 10 years ago.

The pregnancy was a surprise. The loss was heartbreaking.

Grief is a funny thing. A heart-stopping, knee-buckling, ache-inducing thing. It hits at the craziest times and the pain takes your breath away. Sometimes it hits me when I’m not expecting it, but every May, as the due date of my little lost one approaches, I feel the brutality of that pain all over again.

I used to wonder how I would ever get over it.

And I’ve found that I haven’t gotten over it.

But one day I woke up and realized I didn’t mind carrying it with me.

This morning, as I read to my children around the breakfast table of Jesus feeding over five thousand with 5 small loaves and 2 fish, we talked about our God.

Our God who cares deeply about us.

Our God.

The only One Who can satisfy the deepest of our needs. And I thought about how He has met me in this place and brought quiet to a restless heart.

He loves me. He loves that child.

And 10 1/2 years ago, when I was pregnant with this little one, I wrote these words in my journal:

There is so much excitement and joy… yet so many fears. I am so afraid I will lose you. What if I miscarry and never have the chance to hold you, to love and nurture you?

I am thankful we have a God Who is in control; Who knows what is best for us (all three of us). I take contentment and joy in knowing that if we do lose you here on earth, God will hold you in Heaven.

My child. What volumes those words speak! I am a mom! Not going to be… AM one. And soon, very soon, I pray you will be with us where we can love you in a whole new way.

My child.

I love you.

Beyond words.

I never had the chance to hold that sweet child.

But.

I still love my child.

Beyond words.