If He’s Good, I’m Good

She sat beside me this morning on the swing and we raised our arms high, signing “I love you” to Brian as he drove off to work in his Chevy truck (please pronounce that with a hard “ch” not the soft “sh”. That’s what Brian does to make me laugh, and if y’all feel anything like me these days, you need a laugh). “Double love!” Bella shouted as he drove away, “No, love FOUR times!” Then she curled into me and whispered, “Daddy. I just want Daddy here, too.” We are all feeling it, this need to be together. To grab every moment.

We swung in silence for a while, and I surreptitiously wiped away tears, because my tears make her even more fearful.

I have watched Bri these past few days, and he looks 10 years older to me. But driving away in that big ol’ truck, he also looked so small, so broken. So I cried. Who will wave to him on the porch? If this isn’t curable? Will he have to drive away in the mornings, take the children to school and gaze at an empty house?

I cannot go there. I must not. Dear Lord, please no!? Have mercy on us. Body, soul, mind and spirit. Have mercy? It is all I can pray, all I can beg. For him. For our children. For me.

Last night some of our deacons and their wives came over and sat with us in our pain, listened to us share, and prayed for us. When they asked Bri how they could pray, he sighed.

“Just pray for her. If she’s good. I’m good.” And I sigh with him.

Oh, y’all, how could I ever doubt this man’s deep love for me?

Later that night he woke me after I had fallen asleep on the couch so I could come to bed. I murmured something about just sleeping on the couch. He stood there, over me… “You sure? Why don’t you come to bed?” And I knew. He needed me up there with him. Needed to hold me… to just be together.

My heart is breaking for him, y’all.

Just breaking.

Because y’all, as painful and fearful and terrible as this is for me, it is for him, too.

And just as it is for him. It’s the same for me: If he’s good, I’m good.

So I’m begging you… please don’t forget Bri in all this.

He suffers silently. But he suffers. So much.

(Many of you have asked how we are, what you can do, what we need. I will write a post soon to address this. But just to tell you: We are grateful for your love and your concern and your prayers. As for how we are. We don’t know. We are hurting and grieving and struggling, but we are clinging. That is all we can do right now.)

10 responses to “If He’s Good, I’m Good”

  1. Praying, praying, praying! Love you guys!

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  2. I thought of him, will not forget him in our prayers! I so hate that you have to go through this! God has answered before, He can do it again! May God bring you all peace!!!

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  3. Praying for you and Brian and your precious family! Love you so much!

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  4. Praying for all of you…

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  5. In my 33 years I’ve never had to deal with a disease like this, yet somehow those thoughts that you have shared still creep into my mind at times–especially since having children. What if something happened to me–I’d be fine, I’d be in Heaven with the forever lover of my soul, but what about my kids, my husband, my parents, my brothers, my extended family–I think of that & it knocks the wind out of me. Those thoughts come just from the “fear” of something, not something that has actually occurred in my life, so I cannot fathom this very real monster in your life. B/c it’s real for you, it makes me cry out to our God for your Brian, Buddy, Bear, Bella, & you–that Our Great Physician would heal your weary body, mind, & soul, and that cancer would never touch your lives again.

    “Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever Amen”

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  6. I know Angie – definitely your whole family are in our prayers. It is so hard for the spouses. They hurt and feel so helpless and want to bear the burden for us. When I had cancer I remember Dale reading to me each day Jerry Bridges “Trusting God Even When Life Hurts.” I guess it was as much for him as me. God used it to strengthen us both at that time. The waiting and the unknowns are the hardest. We are praying for God’s healing, strength, upholding grace, peace, comfort, nearness, and amazing
    sense of His love for you and Brian and those precious children. I believe as Chanley said, “God has answered before, He can do it again!” I believe with all my heart He will. Much love sweet girl!! “When we don’t understand, trust His heart.”

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  7. Debbie Bennetch Avatar
    Debbie Bennetch

    “mercy” for you all is all I’ve been able to utter since I’ve heard the news. And I will continue…. I will not forget Brian or your children!

    Love,

    Debbie

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  8. Desiring His mercy for you so so much! Grateful for the reminder to pray for Brian too as you guys are “one” in every sense and I know he bears this with you- and that is both comforting and hard. You both are SO precious in His sight!

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  9. Yes Angie, I consider it an inherited privilege to pray for Brian, as well as you, your children and your parents. God has ordained this PARTICULAR man to be your life mate hence; God has equipped him to be YOUR husband whatever that might look like. He knew you would need THIS man and your children THIS father. Praying you stay in His Grip, Beth

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  10. My precious one,

    For God works all things together for His good for those who love Him and those who are called according to His name and THOSE WHO ARE PREDESTINED TO BE MORE LIKE HIS SON. This promise is hope, hope that does not dissapoint us for the LOVE OF GOD IS POURED IN OUR HEARTS THROUGH THE HOLY SPIRIT. Love that bears us up under anything and everything that comes our way. It believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. May we comprehend with all the saints the height, depth, width and length of this love and the love of Christ that passes knowledge that we would be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly to what we could ever expect or imagine according to the power that works in us mightly be glory, honor and power. May He glorify Himself in you and you in Him and may the peace of God rule in your hearts to which you have been called. May He fill you with the knowledge of His will with all spiritual wisdom and understanding that Christ will dwell in your hearts throught faith.

    These are my prayers for you.

    I love you dearly,
    Judie
    xoxo

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