A Small Word That’s Really Huge

Today was exhausting. Each day is, really. I wake and wonder how on earth I will do all that I want or need to do, and by the end of the day I’ve only done a bit of it, and I wonder how I’ll get up the next day and keep pushing forward.

It’s an awkward place I’m in.. this waiting place before surgery, because part of me wants it here tomorrow and part of me wants it to never come. We are packing our week full of summer fun, trying to catch all the time together we can before our lives change yet again in the whirlwind that cancer is.

We went to dinner tonight. Ate outside. It was on our summer list. While there we saw my surgeon. (I love living in a small town!) He’s awesome. He really is. We are so thankful for that. He came right over, met the kids, then commended me for following his instructions and eating all my favorite foods this week. He re-introduced us to his wife and we chatted for a bit, then he put his arm around me and said, “Enjoy your week,” and I saw the sadness, the understanding in his eyes. He is such an answer to prayer for us… a gentle man who cares for us beyond our physical needs, he cares for our souls. We are grateful.

Many of you ask how I am. How we are.

How do I even answer that?

We are ok. But we’re not. We are grieving. But we are hopeful.

We are hurting and heavy and stricken and anguished and tired and exhausted and numb and screaming and aching and crashing and burning but fighting and pushing and growing and clinging and loving and wishing and hoping and laughing and crying.

The kids are struggling. They are afraid. They are sad.

Sad.

It seems like such a little word. But it really is huge.

And that’s what we are.

We are sad.

I look at our summer list, and I ache and grieve. There is so much undone.

I look at our garden and all the vegetables beginning to pop out, and I sigh, knowing I won’t be able to do much with any of them, and I won’t be able to eat them either.

I look at our vacation plans and weep, because we cannot go.

I look at our house and our list of projects that are unfinished or in the beginning stages, and I just shake my head. They will remain unfinished for a while, new ones won’t begin, and savings will pay bills not buy furniture.

And I just feel so sad.

I know all the right answers. I know that, Lord willing, we’ll have a summer list next year, projects can begin later, others can chop veggies and freeze them for us and I’ll get to eat them eventually. I know that people are much more important that projects and plans. I know the Lord has bigger plans for us.

I know all that.

But I also know this hurts.

We are grieving our losses, and we are grabbing each other, holding tight in the darkness and desperately treading water, sucking frantically for air and swallowing a lot of muck and mire and briny fluid.

And clinging.

Clinging oh so tightly to truth and begging God for strength to believe it to be true even though we know it is. We are just afraid we might forget the truth in all this.

We are okay.

We are His.

And that means we will be okay.

But life just doesn’t feel okay right now.

And I’m okay with that, with being here, with being human and with being real before our Lord and each other.

He has not forsaken us yet.

We know that.

We cling to that.

We have to.

There is nothing else to cling to.

(Many of you have asked how you can help. Our friend, Maretta, is going to coordinate help for all our needs. Many of you know her and know how to get in touch with her. If you don’t, just contact me and I’ll forward messages on to her. She is a gift to us. As are all of you. Thank you for your prayers and love.)

12 responses to “A Small Word That’s Really Huge”

  1. Karen Johnson Avatar
    Karen Johnson

    Please put me in contact with Maretta – I don’t know what I can do from Pennsylvania, but I’d like to help out!

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  2. Grieving and clinging and hoping…with you…for you.

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  3. I love you Angie…what more is there to say….I just plain love you and yours. And, God loves you even more…Praying that you will truly feel Him carrying you on this very long jorney That you and yours will be blessed beyond belief and that He will be glorified.

    Hang on to Him and Hang on to Each Other…

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  4. Continuing to pray for the entire Davis clan. You are loved.

    – DL

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  5. Angie, I am praying for you. I know Maretta is coordinating things – but I wanted to let you know if Audrey would like to come over and play with Ellie, Ellie would like that (this week, next week, any week you need) – or if you and.or Audrey would like to stay closer to home, I would be happy to come with Ellie and help you with cleaning or cooking or companionship or whatever you might need.

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  6. Angie;

    I thought about you as I read a devotional online this morning. It was about a woman who had canceled her wedding plans and had learned that God wants us to love Him more than “our dream come true”. More than her points, I was struck by the idea that even if we aren’t “there” yet (as I know I am not), the little times we trust God and see the good that comes prepare us for the times that we can’t begin to see the good that might come. I think you already know that.
    When I heard about your recent challenge I could not reply, because the reply that came to mind was not fit to share. Your journey and your willingness to share that journey with us has provided alot of inspiration and challenge and, yes, even some chastisement, as I see from your example how far my reactions are from Christ-like. Thank you.
    The devotion ended with a comment that I am praying for you. “We find solace in the incredible peace that comes with knowing that even if life here includes sorrow or dreams unfulfilled, there is a God that transcends not only all that’s missing in this life, but also all the good this life has to offer.”

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  7. Angie, my heart aches for you and your family. Please put me in contact with Maretta. I would love to help out in any way I can.
    Hugs.

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  8. Oh sweet angie,

    I have been so sad since the day I heard you had cancer again. Sad you were having to deal with this ugly disease again. So sad for the kids, their world turned upside down again. And dear Brian, watching his wife suffer,kids hurting,and maintaining strength for work. ( thank you Jesus for our husbands. They are such a blessing)
    I have prayed and prayed for you all. Prayed to just get through each day. Prayed that when the surgeon gets in there, the tumor is localized and easy to remove. And prayed for complete healing. And from the first time I’ve prayed for you, Jesus continues to remind me that he has healed you twice and yes he can do it again! I’m then humbled by His goodness and grace.
    I have wanted to stop by and just hug and cry with you. But I so worry about the kids. I came into their lives when mom was sick and here comes Mrs. Collier again. Mom is sick.
    Just know how much you all are loved and I will do whatever you all need. I will get ahold of marietta.
    Love you Angie,

    Diane

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  9. My sweet Angie,

    You are always in my heart and my prayers. May the God of hope fill you with joy and peace in believing that you will dwell in hope through the power of the Holy spirit.

    Love to you my special one,
    Judie
    xoxox

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  10. I can relate to your grief and your pain in a different way. I can understand yet I can not. I am praying for you dear one! I love you

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  11. Angie,

    I think you probably already know this: there’s not much I can say to suddenly salve this wound. But I can say a few other things more easily: You are being used by the Lord, via your words and your steps, in ways that make a difference. You’re a gifted writer, stringing thoughts together the way Derek Jeter has strung hits together. Thank you for writing. I suspect you need to do it, but I also suspect that God loves it when we do the things we need to do. He’s a writer, too.

    I want you to know we’re praying for you, often. And for Brian and the kids, too.

    Much love from us all.

    Dan for Paula, Lauren, Daniel and Caleb

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  12. Wow! Angie – what an amazing compliment – a Derek Jeter comparison from a male….your writing IS beautiful, but you know you’ve reached the summit.

    Reading back some – praising God that the days/weeks later bring amazing answers to prayer!!! As we’ve been saying in VBS this week: THANK YOU, GOD!

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