His Glory. Our Final Good.

A few weeks ago my glasses broke. Split right down the middle, so I duct taped them back together because I must have them to drive. (Yes, I duct taped my glasses. Yes, Brian made fun of me. Yes, it was hilarious.)

I bought new ones.

I love my new glasses.

I can’t find my new glasses.

I have searched up and down and all around.

You know what else I can’t find?

The car keys.

We’ve been using the spare van key for 2 days now.

I forgot to pay our credit card bill. The one we pay in full on time every time.

Oh, and I forgot the library books were due. 35 of them for 5 days.

My life feels as discombobulated and rambling as this blog post does.

And I still don’t know what to say when people ask how we are doing. I want to say, “Well, I can’t find anything. I’m uncharacteristically forgetting things…”

I want to tell them WHAT we are doing… well, we’re busy getting this done or I’m trying to get to the bottom of to-do lists so everything is together for Brian and the children on Monday or we’re enjoying as many things on our summer list as we can.

But how am I doing?

I’m discouraged. I am tearing the house apart frantically looking for those keys and my glasses and lost library books, because I think that somehow if I find them and fix things then I will feel fixed inside, too.

Ultimately, it’s about loss of control, because I was under the illusion that I had some control to begin with. I want to feel in control of something in my life, because I am getting ready to go be cut open so they can tell me what cancer has done to my body. They will tell me what I can or can’t eat for weeks, months. They will tell me if and what treatment will be and when it will start and when to be places and what to bring and what to wear.

A friend asked Brian yesterday how we were doing. How I was doing specifically. Brian had to share with him my recent diagnosis, and he told him. “I’m done praying for you all. I am going to be kicking and screaming and throwing things for you all…” That’s how my prayers feel…

Frenetic.

Drunken. Like Hannah’s pray in the temple. Pouring out all bitterness of soul before the Lord.

Begging God for mercy for us, for Brian, for our children. But not just for us. For others… new cancer diagnoses in the life of a friend… hurting hearts from painful broken relationships… tragedies striking leaving friends reeling in agony… Every day I hear something new. This doesn’t even touch the ones i am already aching with and for and begging for healing and strength and protection.

Oh, for all of us. I pray.

Mostly I pray to see Him, because this fallen world seems more fallen these days.

I sing to Bella-girl at bedtime as I’m tucking her in.

She is just sad and scared these days. We all are.

But I remind her God is watching us… the angel of the Lord encamps round those who fear His name, to save them and deliver them from harm. Those lions roar with hunger, we lack for no good thing… We picture it together. A whole host of angels watching over us. And I sing…At all times I will bless Him, His praise will be in my mouth. My soul makes it boast in the Lord…”

This is what we do. When it all feels hard and hopeless and out of control.

We acknowledge that it is hard, that we are not in control, and that there is hope… there is always hope.

“Nothing can reach us, from any source in earth or hell, no matter how evil, which God cannot turn to his own redemptive purpose. Let us be glad that the way is not a game of chance, a mere roll of dice which determines our fortune or calamity–it is a way appointed, and it is appointed for God’s eternal glory and our final good.” (~C. H. Spurgeon)

His glory.

Our final good.

That is our hope.

Even if I never find my glasses or my keys or get to the bottom of piles of files or make that photo book I want to make. Even if I die.

There is hope.

My final good.

The Gospel doesn’t stop being true when life is hard.

That which has carried me through life will carry me to safety, to Jesus, to final good.

10 responses to “His Glory. Our Final Good.”

  1. Your wisdom, and honest spirit are always convicting and uplifting. Even in the midst of great pain and suffering and humanness, I ALWAYS see the Savior shining through in the things you post. I hate that you are going through this. Again. But I’m thankful for you, and for seeing these reminders of what is true and important. Know we are continually lifting you up to the Lord, and asking for mercy, Angie. {{HUG}}

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  2. Those darn keys!

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  3. We all have these kinds of days. Praying that all will be found and that you will be encouraged by these “little” gifts from Him. Love you and continue to pray!!!

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  4. Those darn glasses! (Well, it worked with the keys….) šŸ™‚

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  5. Oh…alright. That darn cancer!

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  6. Loving you and praying for you ALL. THE. TIME.

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  7. I am copying your response to my recent blog post because, well, you said exactly what I was about to respond to you with this post.

    ” *sigh* Our stories are different, but this resonates in my heart. Praying for you as you some days trudge, some days walk, some days even skip through life. It’s okay for it to look different each day…it doesn’t change your faith in God or His faithfulness to you. Love to you all.”

    Praying lots for you….

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  8. I don’t really know you… just a visitor passing by and …wait… stopping for a while. I just wanted to say that your heart for the Lord is beyond, above, and by far…the coolest thing I see. I am a reformed christian and the docs think I have a very rare neuroendocrine cancer. They can’t seem to figure it all out though right now and the explanation is quite long, but for 3 yrs. I’ve been told this and now instead of scanning and blood testing….they want to start just looking. I think it’s the right thing to do, but I have read some of your other posts and can already relate to a few things you have said. When people try to encourage me, fleetingly, quickly…. usually it seems to happen with the “predictions” or the “We will just pray that it will all go away”…. I kind of get frustrated. Not that they aren’t being kind, or that they mean harm……but that they don’t understand what it’s like to continue to see God’s choices in the matter and how I am happy to do as He wills. I hope they keep praying it all goes away, but honestly… I just want them to be understanding that it is not going away. It is what it is and God is still good. To say that it must go away or that circumstances must get better to be blessed it like showing me once more that God is doing as He wills and that His will is obviously right now….. greater than comfort, even greater than healing. Anyway- I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your heart in such a raw sense here and for sharing the Lord and his divine work in your life. He is truely good and as a sojournor and exile in this world… I’m happy to go home when he wills…. it’s just hard to leave behind so much. I also have 2 sweet little boys… ages 3 and 10 mths. But, Lord willing, I pray that I will always act or think as an exile, who wants to be home…..but wants it to happen only when God wants it to happen. You certainly seem to understand this all and you are an encouragement. Please keep up the stamina to Glorify Him. You are doing it and it is awesome. My prayers will be with you. Love in Christ- Amy

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  9. My precious Angie,

    I awaken early and seek Him for your deliverance, but most of all that the peace He called you too, will reign in you and your precious family. Let the mind of Christ be in you. Grace, mercy and peace abound to you.

    Amy’s note was so wonderful. You are encouraging many and praise be to God that this precious sister is being encouraged.

    To God be the glory!
    Judie

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  10. Dear Angie we are pray for you and your precious family daily and consider it an honor to be able to lift you all to heaven’s throne. I have struggled with how to best be of physical help to you all and asked the Lord to show me what he would have us to do and today in another one of your precious blogs you answered my question. I would love to help you with your photo album when you feel up to it. I have many supplies {photo organizers. cutting system, idea books, punches etc..} from when I was a Creative Memories Consultant and would feel so blessed to be able to help you with your album. Please call whenever you feel up to working on your album and I will bring everything over . My work schedule is now Mon – Thur. so I am free Fri – Sun. May the Lord surround you all with his peace and please know we would love to serve you all anyway we can….

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