A Spring of Joy

Tomorrow looms.

My surgery is at 10:00. We will go into the hospital at 9:00. I will be in the hospital 3-5 days.

I am scared. Questions constantly reel through my mind. I fear for my children, for Brian. I fear that they’ll find the cancer much worse than they think it is. It is all so big and scary. Dear Bear prayed tonight for me, “Dear Father, thank you for my Mommy. Please don’t let her die.” Y’all this is the fear that hovers over us… and my heart breaks for my dear little ones.

We are leaning on the everlasting arms. Leaning hard.

I really don’t know what to say… my brain is tired. So you’ll have to forgive a choppy, disjointed, post.

I am weary, but I am oh so blessed.

We spent the last few days just playing. Playing hard. We’ve gotten ice cream and listened to Jazz in the Park with our college students. We went to the Lawn Party (that’s a fair for those of you NOT from the south). A few of our college students joined us there, and we laughed and rode rides and introduced Bella to cotton candy and took pictures and ate funnel cake and laughed some more.

Yesterday couldn’t have been more perfect. We drove to the DC Zoo for the day and met our college friend, Marni, and her family. We laughed and goofed off and ran through the misters over and over, and when I got tired and sore Marn pulled me in their little red wagon, and just because we wanted to, we spent a couple hours talking in bad British accents while our husbands shook their heads and pretended not to know us. It really was delightful… fanciful, even. They treated us to dinner and we toasted friendship over chilled wine and ordered scrumptious Italian while our littles ate pizza and talked, and I ached for the day to never end.

Except if I had stayed with our friends, we’d have never arrived home for me to find my sweet friend, Nat, sitting on our front porch. She drove 5 1/2 hours to spend the night with me and see me. She got groceries and vacuumed and then just waited for us to come home. Yes, I cried… I cried when I hugged her and I cried when she left this afternoon.

God has blessed me with such dear, heart friends. I was marveling at that today, how God has given my dearest friends to shape me, each fitting into a perfect spot in my life. Each one unique, but never failing me in their love… walking through the darkest days of my life with me and not expecting anything in return. It is so beautiful.

But it’s more than just my closest friends.

There is something so humbling about having so many love us and pray for us and help us and hurt with us.

There is something about knowing others are hurting for us that makes the ache much deeper.

But there is something oh so wonderful about it all, too. This love. And You. Each of you.

I haven’t been able to respond to every person who’s emailed or Facebooked or written a note or called. But know my heart is overwhelmed and grateful, so very grateful.

My heart is worn from it all… even the love.

I often wonder if I will be able to hold any more. But then someone else comes along with a hug or a prayer or a note or an email, and I realize that’s one thing about the heart that amazes me. It can always grow bigger.

Our hearts are huge.

Thank you for loving us so well. For being Jesus to us.

And now tomorrow looms.

We covet your prayers, although I feel silly asking because I know so many of you already are.

Bri will update Facebook and our blog throughout the day as he can. And I will pop in to say “hello” when I am able.

Oh, and I found the keys and my glasses… *smile*

Hold on to each moment, my friends, because what happens matters.