Yes, I know my posts have been few and far between since my last cancer diagnosis, surgery and recovery. Lots of you have asked me where I am, how I am, am I okay?
I’m never quite sure how to answer those questions.
Yes. I am okay.
Why am I not writing?
Honestly, the energy I need to care for my family and my home is draining. My first things come first, and sadly, writing has been pushed to the back burner.
I miss it. I really do.
I struggle so much with all that has been stolen from me by the ugliness of cancer, and it seems my words have been stolen as well. I haven’t journaled in ages either, because when I sit, I sleep. I know that needs to happen. I know that is how my body heals. But writing is a way my heart heals, and I am missing that part of my recovery.
We are figuring out what this new normal looks like and the children pray every morning for Mommy to get her strength back. It’s returning, but it is a slow return. I am learning how to spend my energy and schedule my time so that I can refuel. Really it’s like a bank. I can make withdrawals (and I do), but I must make deposits, too. My heart struggles… it struggles with the pain of so much suffering and it is tired, too. It needs the deposits, too. So I spend my mornings digging my wells deep into the Word, so I can find refreshment in days to come. Because we know that we can’t ever assume there aren’t hard days to come.
In a nutshell recovery has been hard.
It is good.
We are enjoying being a family. We are choosing joy in the moments and have relished being together. The boys have finished playing football and they are busy with play-dates and school and birthday parties and piano lessons and learning and fun. We’ve had a family stay-cation plus a weekend for just my Brian and me where we double-dated with good friends and laughed and played and talked.
My Bear loves to join me in the kitchen and cook supper and dance. My Ash loves to curl up with good books and read with me. And Bella-girl spends her afternoons helping me around the house and running errands and just generally bringing sunshine into our home. Brian’s work load has significantly increased, but he is faithful to make time for us in the evenings and we’ve had some quiet mornings together before work, too.
So we are good.
It is hard.
But we are good.
We are together.
(I long for more words to come… I am processing a very long visit yesterday with the doctor to discuss genetics and where we go from here with testing and possibilities. I will hopefully update y’all soon. Thank you for caring…)