Forgetting… But Remembering

The sky was beautiful this morning… a blanket of white clouds over colored mountains with golden rays peeping through every now and then. It was a breathtaking drive to school and the children and I “oohed” and “ahhed” the entire way. Well, maybe not the entire way, because we were running late and every now and then we’d stop to fret about the lights being red or the guy driving 15 mph below the speed limit. But most of the way we were spellbound by the beauty around us.

I kept reminding my Ash when he’d fuss about the time that God was in control of those traffic lights and He knew we’d get behind slow vehicles, and it was all going to be okay. Perhaps He was protecting us from a car accident by allowing us to run late.

I think I was preaching to myself more than to my son though. I was flustered and frustrated because we were late, yes, but more because we were late because I forgot that I. was. supposed. to. drive. them. today.

Bri usually takes the kids to school, but he had an early meeting this morning so I was the driver. Only at 7:45 I was still sitting in my jammies and snuggling my Bella-girl waiting for Bri to come downstairs and wondering what was taking him so long. Then it hit me.

I forgot.

We ran around like crazy fools… well, I was the only one running (and I think I pulled a hamstring taking the stairs three at a time). And Bear is home sick again today, so he just wrapped up in a blanket and curled up in our van and was brave and strong even though it was freezing cold and his head and throat hurt so badly.

We knew we’d be late.

I knew it was going to be fine.

It wasn’t so much that we were late (although I LOATHE being late for anything important), it was why we were late that bothered me.

Because. I. forgot.

How could I forget when Bri had just told me less than 12 hours before?

Honestly, y’all, I know you can say to me, “We all have days like this.” or “It’s just part of being human.” or “It’s ok.”

And yes, I agree, especially with the whole being human part, because I need to let myself be human and not think I’m superwoman. But the frustrating part for me is that this is part of the new normal for us.

Me not remembering things.

I’ve struggled with chemo brain for over 3 years now, and I know it’s part of this whole cancer battle. I know it can last for 10 years or more. So I can tell myself all that, but the problem is it’s been exacerbated by this last surgery. It’s like my brain relapsed and hasn’t recovered yet.

So I battle it. Every day.

Brian sometimes looks at me like I’ve grown four heads and says, “Um, we just talked about that 5 minutes ago.” And I get sad and frustrated and discouraged, and I struggle to accept it as part of my life.

But then I look around. Deep breaths.

And I remember…

I remember how beautiful the clouds were this morning and how Asher prayed for our day and our friends who are hurting while I drove. I remember how Brian’s kiss good night last night felt and how Bella’s arms wrapped around me warmed my heart this morning. I remember the gentle words of my sick Bear, “Mommy, I like spending quiet mornings with you.”

And I remember the truth I read this morning, that “It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze.” And I remember that God gives me strength to face the challenges of each day… that is His promise. He doesn’t promise to eliminate the challenges, but He is with me in them.

Yes, I remember.

I remember the important things.

Thank you, Lord, for late mornings and for beautiful skies and for warm hearts and warm hugs. Thank you for snuggly boys and sweet words, for my hubby’s job and early meetings and Your provision. And thank you that I can never forget your goodness, because it surrounds us every moment.

3 responses to “Forgetting… But Remembering”

  1. Oh, forgetting is so frustrating. I am so forgetful, The Man just looks at me now and shakes his head when I throw my hand to my mouth and my eyes get all big.

    Prayers for healing of your thoughts and gratitude for the remembering Who He is.

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  2. My Angie, my dear one,

    May this message be a blessing to your life. You are His workmanship created in Christ to do good works. I praise God for His mighty hand upon you.

    Romans 5:2-4 – We have access by faith into this grace in which we stand and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that , but, we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance, and perseverance, character and character hope. NOW HOPE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT BECAUSE THE LOVE OF GOD HAS BEEN POURED OUT IN OUR HEARTS BY THE HOLY SPIRIT WHO WAS GIVEN TO US.

    In trial and weakness and trouble, He seeks to bring us low, until we learn that His grace is all, and to take pleasure in the very thing that brings us and keeps us low. His strength is made perfect in our weakness. His presence filling and satisfying our emptiness, becomes the secret of humility that need never fail. The humble man has learned the secret of abiding gladness. The weaker he feels, the lower he sinks, and the greater his humiliations appear, the more power and the presence of Christ are his portion.

    Andrew Murray

    Grace to you,
    Judie

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  3. See, I hear all of what you’re saying about cancer-brain and the frustration of not being able to be sure that you’ll remember things, of being irritated when you forget them, of losing the little stuff, but in that moment of your realization that you were supposed to be the driver that morning, I heard a different story too. I heard somebody so used to trusting Brian to take the kids in to school in the mornings that when morning came, trust kicked in (in this case, in a time when it would have made you faster to have *not* been trusting) and you waited first, and then only later started searching for an explanation and remembered the change in schedule.

    That’s something you do better than anybody else I know: you trust *first*. Your first instinct is to trust that things will work the way they’re supposed to. And you trust Bri–you’re so blessed in him and he’s so worthy of that trust–so thoroughly that you don’t think to second-guess him when something seems a little out of whack.

    Forgetting is a frustrating weakness, absolutely. But this story reminded me of a corresponding strength of yours that I think we could all gain by forgetting, ourselves, less often!

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