A Spring of Joy

A few days ago, I sat across from my oncologist at a routine six month checkup and found myself catching my breath once again. I have been struggling with back pain over the past few months. I assumed it was stress or the osteoporosis becoming osteoarthritis or perhaps the fact that I’ve had so many abdominal and chest surgeries that my core is weakened badly.

But.

You might be able to guess where this is going…

I have a bone scan on Thursday. She is looking to see if there might be cancer in my spine.

I am struggling, friends. I am tired of living life with a pit in my stomach, wondering and waiting.

I am waking in the night begging God for no more cancer. Ever. Then lying awake for hours battling the lies of Satan who tells me I’m not worth God’s time or your time either. Lies. So many of them.

Weariness fills my steps.

And then… then it comes. The words of a song. The prayers of friends this morning. The phone call to encourage. The joy of children thrilling to life. The beauty of fall weather cascading upon us. Watching my Bear practice football (I do love being a football mom!). Chopping and stirring and creating delicious sauces and stews to freeze for the cold months ahead. Curling up for after school naps with my Bella. Moments. Beautiful moments that remind me that there is so much more to this life than struggle.

Deep breaths.

And I am covered with the sweetness of paradise.

Thank You, Lord, that in the bitterness of struggle and the impatience of waiting, I breathe the sweet breath of Paradise with which You fill my days… sweet friendships, snuggly children, gentle breezes, warm kitchens, and delicious foods. Only You can give the eyes to see beyond the muck and mire. Only You can fill each breath with sweetness, for if I breathe in my own strength, I only smell and feel the curse. My days are already written in Your book, and my life is in Your hands. Only You can give me life to live, breath to breathe. Thank You for this life. Each moment of it.