A Spring of Joy

On Thursday I wrote about where we are, about how I am doing okay even when I sit with the uncertainties of life. Honestly, the past few days have been the other side of being okay… what I wrote of how some days it seems the faith is sucked right out of me.

And today, I came undone.

The ultrasound on my neck showed something. The radiologist came in and looked over things himself. The node that is enlarged on the left side of my neck shows no evidence of cancer.

But… (sometimes I hate that word)

The doctor found a spot on the right side. Something small and dark and of concern. Once my oncologist has seen the report, they will call and schedule a biopsy and we will go from there.

I’m not seeing the beauty in this brokenness today.

But God… (I love that one)

When I am undone, He is not.

When I am shaken, test results don’t shake him.

When I can’t see beauty, He creates it and shows me.

When I am broken, He binds.

When I cannot bear the weight of it all, He carries me.

And I do what I must always do when the news is fearful and shattering. Cling oh so tightly to truth and beg God for strength to believe it to be true (even though I know it is). I am afraid I might forget the truth in all this.

I am okay.

I am His.

And that means I will be be okay.

But life just doesn’t feel okay right now.

And I’m okay with that, with being here, with being human and with being real before our Lord and others.

Look at the cross.

He has not forsaken us yet.

He will not.

I know that.

I cling to that.

I have to.

There is nothing else to cling to.