A Spring of Joy

Tired.

I am tired.

I am tired of feeling the weight of this broken world.
I am tired of picking up my phone and crying.
I am tired of checking my email or facebook and reading heartbreak.
I am tired of the processing and grieving and the pain of loss and heartache.

I know many of you are tired, too.

But at the same time I long for it.
I long for the processing and the tears.
I long for the hours spent on the phone with my mom, with friends who share in the ache.
I long for the encouraging words to read or to share.

I know many of you long for it, too.

My body and soul are weary, and with each new piece of news, I find myself covering my face with my hands and crying, “No, no, no!” over and over and over.
Some days I just want to ask what God is thinking, what His plan is.
And some days I do.

I know many of you ask questions, too.

But it’s not for me to figure it all out–any of this: deaths and miscarriages and surgeries and cancers and panic attacks and disease and divorce and depression.
In this life we will struggle.
And so I wade through the grief.
The muck and the mire of life.
And I thank Him for grace.
Grace that cleanses and gives us strength to walk…
some days crawl…
some days only lie prostrate before Him on this journey toward Home.

I know many of you cling to grace, too.

Yes.
I am tired.
I am tired of the battle.
I am tired of the grieving.

I know many of you are grieving, too.

But I wouldn’t give up the phone calls and the prayer times and the emails and the notes in the mail and the processing.
I wouldn’t give up the tears and the cries and the longing.
I wouldn’t give up this need for one another for anything.

We need each other so very, very much.