A Spring of Joy

It has been weeks since I’ve written and weeks of waiting and waiting and waiting to determine just what exactly is going on with my thyroid. Since April, my cancer markers have been elevated, and I have ultrasounds that show possible evidence of cancer but with no growth. It could just be calcification from previous treatments. I’ve been sitting in limbo as doctors have called each other and consulted with radiologists and labs, and I have struggled with less than stellar communication from them. It has been hard and frustrating to say the least.

Last week, after waiting for a month to hear the results of my last lab work, I called the doctor. Neither she nor her nurse were in that day, so I had to wait the weekend to call back. However, the front desk receptionist did read me the notes that were in my file which said they had called me two weeks earlier and given me the news.

Only they didn’t.

Bri and I both looked through our phones logs… no missed calls, no voicemails, no nothing. And trust me, if I had talked to a nurse two weeks ago about whether I have cancer again or not, I’d have remembered.

I called again this week.

The nurse finally called me back.

She never apologized or acknowledged the mixup on the phone call. I mentioned it and explained that twice I have had to call them and let them know they’ve left messages on my phone for a different Angela than me. Perhaps y’all have our numbers mixed up in the system? Her response was to re-read that she had spoken to me on August 26th. I just sighed and let it pass, because well, I’m pretty much tired of fighting at this point.

Soooo… now the short story is. Cancer markers are ZERO! No evidence, no need for a scan or biopsy. I’ll have an ultrasound again in 3 months to see if there’s growth on the spot they’re watching.

My antibodies are elevated though, and when I asked the nurse about that, she had no answer and offered to make an appointment for me to ask the doctor. To which I asked if I could just speak to the doctor about it since it’s one quick question. No. They don’t do that. To which I told her I wasn’t interested in driving an hour to talk to my doctor for 5 minutes and pay for it. I’ll ask her when I see her at my regularly scheduled appointment in October.

Needless to say, I’m becoming more and more disenchanted with this particular doctor and hospital and system. *sigh*

But…

I don’t have cancer again!

So I’m okay with the headaches it’s causing. Errr… or mostly okay with it.

These past months have been really hard, and I’ve had to fight the ongoing temptation to just bury myself in myself and hole up–something the introvert in me would love to do. See, if I go to God with this struggle, then I have to wrestle, and I’m so tired of the constant battle that I would rather ignore the fight than fight the fight.

I forget far too often that He is with me. He has already won the fight. He is for me. He has Satan on a leash (as our pastor loves to say, “Leviathan is on a leash!” Words I need to be reminded of constantly.)

I forget that this life is a long story, and I wasn’t promised a painless life. I am promised a story that ends well–eternity with Him.

But even more than that… I am promised HIM–here, now, every day walking with me, carrying me, praying for me, loving me, grieving with me, and giving me the grace and strength to move forward in the struggle.

I have my share of stories to tell. Yes, there are lots of hard ones, but so many more good ones.

And the ending.

Oh, y’all, the ending is more than one that ends well… it’s an ending that’s beyond description!

(Thank all y’all so much for your prayers, for waiting with me, for your encouragements along the way. This. This is why community is so very, very important. We all need each other. You bless me.)