It’s Time for an Update

On Monday, I saw my ENT to follow-up on the news he gave me Friday night. It was a very lively and entertaining hour (yes, hour) in the waiting room while three 85-years old and over ladies talked loudly about how nice and handsome the doctor was, where to find deals on food in the Valley, how to prevent getting “the ebola” and how we need to be careful if we go out in public because we might get our heads cut off. The staff apologized profusely, and my wait for the doctor in the exam room was short.

Friends, the news is not good.

They have found a second area which is a 7 mm piece of tissue. It is behind the nodule they’ve been watching, and it is pressing on the laryngal nerve which would explain the vocal cord paralysis. He is concerned that this is growing tissue (because scar tissue wouldn’t act like this), and growing tissue is a huge red flag. He wants the PET scan to see if this area is hypermetabolic (meaning growing quickly), and if so, whether it is a breast or colon cancer metastasis.

Metastasis is an insanely scary word.

I asked him if it wasn’t cancer, what else it could be. He pressed his lips together and gently said he really doesn’t think it could be anything else. He hugged me and told me he was going to do everything he could to move quickly, find out what this is, and begin treating it…that he would be with me every step of the way.

I don’t know when the PET is as they are still working on insurance approval (yes, the insurance is still not approving it). After the PET, he is hoping to do a CT-guided needle biopsy of the area. The problem is the spot is right between my carotid artery and jugular vein. He will consult with the radiologist and if they decide against the needle biopsy, they will do the biopsy incisionally. Then we will go from there. (Treatment would likely be surgery and radiation.)

We are undone to put it bluntly. Terrified. And very sad.

Bri and I have just been begging God for the doctor to be wrong. (It’s not often I want my doctor to have made a mistake, that’s for sure.)

Honestly, friends, I am struggling. Not struggling with God in all of this. I know He never makes a mistake. I know He is still in control. Chaos doesn’t shake Him.

I am struggling with the exhaustion of the battle of Satan’s lies, of the depletion of my body and mind. A friend once described the gospel-less lies of the church we grew up in as a “holocaust for the soul.” I am feeling the fiery sting of that holocaust now as the accuser wants me to look to myself and my circumstances rather than the gospel for salvation, freedom and joy. I struggle to believe His love for me.

And I am scared.

We both are. My mom and dad are. My in-laws are. My friends are.

Side note: the children do NOT know at this point, so please if you see us with the children, speak cryptically. Once we know something definite, we will have that conversation with them.

I am sleeping some, but not much. We are functioning. We are still laughing. But we are also crying. I am finding the daily tasks almost monumental in my fatigue. But we are still living. Living intentionally. And we are praying.

Would you please pray with us? For us? For this to somehow miraculously all go away? And if not, for the grace and strength to walk through yet another valley in this world’s shadow of death?

I struggle to see grace, yet I know it is all around me.

And then last night, I sat around a table with four other women and we laughed and shared our hearts and ate fabulous local food and laughed some more and prayed together and cried a bit, too.

And while I was out for this much needed girls’ night, Bri and my kiddos did this.

Tonight my den will be full of middle school boys as Ash’s small group comes to Bible study together as they do every week. I love having them here. I love hearing their laughter and noise. I love teasing them and talking with them and feeding them and hearing about their lives. I love sitting upstairs and hearing the muffled hum of conversation–words I can’t hear, but I know relationship is happening.

And my big brother, who called yesterday and listened to me sob on the phone… he is pretty much amazing, and sent me this quote:

“[Jesus] bore our sin— every last drop. There was nothing partial; it was and it is the apex of one-way love. Jesus suffered the scorn, the punishment, and the wrath we deserve, and in return gives us the gift of his righteousness. It cannot be undone. Those who are lost are found, and where there was once judgment, there is now only love, extravagant and free. Where there was once guilt by association, now there is only glory by association.” (~Tullian Tchividjian, One Way Love)

Yes.

Grace surrounds me.

18 responses to “It’s Time for an Update”

  1. aching for y’all, but amazed by the words you are able to write in this place of uncertainty. The Lord is certainly upholding you and will continue to do so. Praying for you and your sweet family!

    Like

    1. Thank you, sweet Amy, for your prayers and your encouragement. You bless me. He shows Himself through those He has surrounded me with–either through church or Facebook or blogs or whatever. Thank you. Love to you.

      Like

  2. Oh my swee friend. I am praying and loving you from over the hills.

    Like

  3. Yes, prayers. Sharing tears and the heartbreak of hours, of days, of life being tarnished with this. Don’t let go of the laughter and the sweetness of moments with loved ones.

    Like

  4. Angie, you never cease to amaze me. What I’d give to impart your faith, wisdom, and joy in my children…but you’ve already done that by sharing yourself with them. We love you, we continue to pray for you and you remain my superhero and as always, you only need to ask. Coram Deo.

    Like

  5. Angie, I follow you on Facebook and share messages with Dianna about you and your family…after reading your post today…I just had to let you know that I have been a silent prayer warrior for you and your family. Seems to me the Doctor can “special request” the PET exam , especially if 2 doctors agree it needs to be done.
    Our son Aaron, had a renal carcinoma removed this July…we live each day in the dread that whatever caused it is still at work…oh the misery of worry! Hugs …Jane

    Like

  6. Oh dear sweet Angie, my heart aches for you and yours! Many prayers with your name in them being offered up to our loving, caring Father. May He answer each one with mercy towards you and heal you…as we know He can. May He give you peace, strength, endurance and sweet calm as you trudge through yet another valley.
    Loving you from afar, *HUGS*

    Like

  7. Sister, thank you for sharing your very hard and scary news with us. Asking God right now to give you grace and strength to battle those very powerful lies with His even more powerful truths. He loves you so, and we are asking Him for help, healing and strength. And even good sleep tonight for you. Please keep the updates coming..this is holy ground we stand with, and pray for you, on. We are privileged to do so, and you continue to point us to our good Savior in all things.

    Like

  8. I am praying for you daily and often. God specializes in the insurmountable impossible situations. I am committed to reminding our Father of your need and petitioning Him for your healing Angie. God bless you dear sister.

    Like

  9. How I am praying! We are believing, hoping, and praying that God will continue to do grand things with your life and the very real battle fields that surround you. Remember that He fights for you. Thankful for these glimpses into your heart that I love and miss so much.

    Like

  10. My precious Angie,

    We will always have these foreign invaders trying to capture our thoughts. Throwing darts of fear, and discouragement, but Satan has no power over us. Greater is He that is in us than he that is in the world.

    We have the very life of Christ in us, the love of God shed abroad in our hearts, love that casts out all fear. Whatever the Devil means for evil, God means for good. Let your heart rejoice that you have the victory and we can stand in the midst of this storm with complete confidence that He who has begun a good work will complete it. For the righteous man shall live by faith.

    Praying with our victory before us.

    Love and blessings,
    Judie

    Like

  11. My Dear Angie,
    I am overwhelmed to say the least. We are in prayer for you and Brian and the kids as you go through yet another trial. Know that the strong faith and love you ALL display is a great example to me and Deb. You and the family are a great inspiration to me and help to keep me on track in my faith. I know and understand those moments of questioning that seem to come in the middle of the night. I / we love you and are praying every step of the way. Please call anytime if you need some “northern hospitality” and just wanna talk.
    Psalm 27 (my favorite)

    Like

  12. We are praying for you and your family. At times like this, I read and read the Psalms of David and his struggles with his enemies and the promises of God. I love Psalm 23. May our Father restore your soul in the midst of this fight. We love you.

    Like

  13. Weeping, clinging, asking, hoping… and praying especially for those dear children of yours.

    Like

  14. Dear, dear, Angie, my heart cries with you. Praying that the Source of all peace will provide you with the strength you need for each moment. Love you ❤

    Sarah

    Like

  15. Praying for you and your family.

    Like

  16. My prayers continue for you and your amazing faithful family. I pray God will lay his hands on you and perform a miraculous healing.

    Like

  17. Dear sweet girl…..even though we don’t know each other, my mother’s heart aches for you. That video was so precious. Have you read any of Kara Tippetts’s blog, “Mundane Faithfulness?” You probably have since you are a writer of the heart and soul as well. I lost my husband almost two months ago to the ugly “c” word, so I understand the hard that you are living with daily. Even though it seems or feels like you can’t make it through another day of hard, you will, because God has super naturally equipped you with the strength to continue. It comes fresh and anew each new day, for that day, just like His grace and mercy. Continue to walk in it, dear one…..he has you in the palm of His Mighty Right Hand.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: