Overwhelmed Yet Certain

She ran to my lap and crawled up, hands over her ears, “Don’t say cancer! Don’t tell me Mommy might have cancer again!”

And I was undone.

We shared with the children last night where we are in all of this. We were hoping to wait to give them a more certain diagnosis, but there is just too much going on and things moving so quickly that we knew they needed to know rather than wonder.

Brian shared the facts and then the truth. We don’t have certainty about whether this is cancer or not, but we do know what’s certain–God is with us.

It was hard. They were all clingy. Ash-man’s big brown eyes just gazed at me knowingly. I could read his thoughts, “This could be bad.” I mouthed, “I’m okay.” to him and he nodded, his hair falling over his eyes, his face no longer readable. He bent over our puppy and stroked him. Bear just hugged me with those Bear hugs that have literally knocked me on the floor before (I kid you not… ask Bear sometime about the time I fell on top of him because he hugged me so hard) and told us how scared he is.

Yes. Scared. We are all scared. I see it in Bri’s eyes, his efforts to care for us as usual, his offers of help, his lingering kisses.

We still have no results from the PET scan; however, we do know the biopsy will be tomorrow morning. (The doctor was planning this biopsy no matter what the scan showed.) After a phone call or two, and my doctor once again advocating for me, this will be under sedation, which I desperately need… It is a CT-guided needle biopsy. It will go in between the carotid and jugular, and now (thanks to one of the surgeons who go to our church encouraging me to ask for this) I don’t have to stress about holding perfectly still. God is showing His care for me over and over again.

And He is showing Himself through your care. We have been given a tremendous gift to have so many communities that surround us and care for us. The calls, the cards, the texts, the emails, the visits, the meals. Last night a dear friend brought by three pizzas from Papa John’s. He hugged us all and then went on his way. We curled into each other on the couch in front of a movie and were just together, holding hands, heads on shoulders.

This waiting mode is hard. We are in limbo… in the unknown…There are days where all I can pray is, “Lord, I need you. Lord, please let it not be cancer again. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.” I am overwhelmed by your prayers for me. You give words to the cries I cannot pray.

Yes, we are overwhelmed. Y’all, I do not say this lightly. Thank you for your love, your care, your hearts for us, your prayers.

3 responses to “Overwhelmed Yet Certain”

  1. My precious one,

    May your precious children see the power of God’s grace in your life, a power of His love that bears us up under anything, and everything that comes our way. This love that believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. Love that cast OUT ALL FEAR!!

    I have petitions before the throne of grace for you and your family. Thanks be to God that He hears and will answer.

    May His grace, mercy and peace be multiplied to you in fullest measure…
    Love and blessings,
    Judie

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  2. Lord Jesus, King of pain, Thy subject I;
    Thy right it is to reign: O hear my cry,
    And bid in me all longings cease
    Save for Thy holy will’s increase.

    Thy right it is to reign O’er all Thine own;
    Then, if Thy love send pain, Find there Thy throne,
    And help me bear it unto Thee,
    Who didst bear death and hell for me.

    Lore Jesus, King of pain, My heart’s Adored,
    Teach me eternal gain is Love’s reward:
    In Thee I hide me; hold me still
    Till pain work all Thy perfect will.
    –Margaret Clarkson

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  3. Dear ones – Greetings in the most Precious Name above all Names! Jesus Christ, the King of kings, Lord of lords, Emmanuel, the Awesome Master and Creator of the Universe!!!!

    You are constantly in our evening prayers (and in between) as you struggle through this amazing journey called life and marriage and family. Our hearts ache for you all as you face these obstacles in the journey. We too have had a rough road over the past year with my health and the loss of Nan and Pap and somewhat understand the struggle you face. I especially understand the awakening in the middle of the night and the questioning. I make no claim of knowing the answers or the reason. But I do know that I have a wonderful wife and family of believers who stood alongside me in my struggle. It is these people who gave me courage and strength and especially the unconditional love of Christ to stand firm and weather the storm.
    These like-minded people are with you all as you weather this storm. You are loved and cared for by many and especially by the Master of the Universe. We love you and are praying for you – You have all made an impact for Christ in many lives – continue the good fight.
    PS sorry for the Northern accent. hahahaha

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