The Post I Didn’t Want to Write

This is the update I didn’t want to write…the one I don’t even know how to write.

Remember how last post I said, if the pathology comes back different, we bag the whole thing and start over?

We’re bagging it.

The pathology came back, and oh, my friends, I am so broken. This is breast cancer recurrence. This is no surgery and this is chemotherapy as soon as they can start it. This is not curative, this is hoping to keep the cancer at bay and send it into remission. This is a new lifestyle for us.

This is scary as you know what…

A few more bullet points for y’all:

–the cancer is not in my organs, bones or brain, only in some of my lymph nodes in my neck and chest and one near my liver.

–they took a bunch of bloodwork and will use that along with pathology to determine best kind of chemo to give me. The chemo will not be as severe as I had before, but it will be longer term.

–the fact that the cancer took seven years to recur is good prognostically, because it means it moved slowly.

–we don’t have much more than this to share. We have a lot of questions still, too, as we begin again in the unknown yet known.

We are broken. We are scared. We are reeling. We are so very, very sad.

Today we celebrated at a wedding of two wonderful, beautiful, sweet friends. When the doors opened and the mother of the bride walked in, I thought I was going to throw up and all I could think was, ‘Please? Oh God, please?”

I believe God could heal me tomorrow. I believe they could find a cure for cancer. I believe this could go into remission for a very, very long time. I also believe that God doesn’t make mistakes. I Know the truth is that if none of the above happens He is still good.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.

Last night at supper our dear Ash prayed for God to help us to live whatever He had for us. *sigh*

I just want us all to see more and more of Him.

Roughly a year ago, my Brian and I sang this for our church congregation:

“Though tonight I’m crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You’re still all that I need
You’re enough for me
You’re enough for me”

Oh, friends, will you pray for us to find Him enough?

16 responses to “The Post I Didn’t Want to Write”

  1. Oh, love. Sitting with you in silence and brokenness but trusting beyond the darkness in the One who is ever faithful. Will be writing and sending something soon…know that you are prayed for in our home daily.

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  2. Oh dear Angie, I am crying with you as I read.
    I will pray that, by Gods grace, the hope and belief you KNOW in your head will rest in your heart and soul !
    Boldly praying for healing as well. May it be His will!

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  3. My tears fall for you, my heart aches for you, I too am very very sad. The song you shared here, and the words from your Pastor ….are powerful!
    May you be given strength, calm and endurance to live life to its fullest. May each day be FULL of what and who you cherish most.
    Praying Gods immense grace covers you and yours.
    Love you…

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  4. Dearest Angie,
    I am at a loss for words. I remember a comment you made to me shortly after Amy returned from Austria. She had been studying piano for six weeks or so and I remained here in the valley to work and take care of the house. We had been married for about six years and that separation taught us a lot about ourselves and each other. Some parts were easy and some were very hard. We longed to be together and learned how to communicate very well while not sitting in the same room. These were the days before we had mobile phones or email addresses.
    Sometime after Amy returned, you told me that you could see the deep love I had for Amy and that it was a good witness to others. This has stayed with me. I don’t think a single week has passed in the last 14 years when I haven’t heard those words repeated in my head. It has humbled me and encouraged me to love her every day while not taking the little moments for granted.
    As I read your post this evening, all I could think about is the fact that you continue to exemplify that same love and longing to be in deep relationship with our Lord and Savior. Your faith humbles me. Your words encourage me. We will continue to pray for God’s grace to be with you and for the Holy Spirit to heal you.
    Our family is blessed to live near you and we are poised to wrap our arms and hearts around your family while you enter this new season. We love you and we are here for you, and Brian, and the kids. We have a few months of cold weather before the next camping season is upon us. We will give you this respit from sleeping in the woods. We will “dust” off the wine glasses on the first warm weekend in the Spring!
    All our Love,
    Matt

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  5. My Dear Superhero, I doubt somewhat at this moment the reminder of how many you’ve deeply touched will bring you significant comfort but, your honestly and the baring of your innermost has impacted sooo many lives and made us look deep within ourselves and conclude we’ll never be that brave and faithful. I cherish my time praying for you each morning on the mountain and I suspect now it will be all that much more fervent and meaningful. We love you and wish we could do more for you all and please know all you need is to ask. Coram Deo.

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  6. Tears and prayers for you and your family.

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  7. I have no words to express the sorrow I feel from reading this post. I will be lifting you up to the Father, Angie. You are ever present in my thoughts.

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  8. Oh Ang. There are many prayers being said for you from this side of the world. There is nothing much to say but we love you guys and are so, so sad. Praying, sweet friend.

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  9. Tish Twomey-Smith Avatar
    Tish Twomey-Smith

    Just remember: no matter how many times your faith falters, His faith in you does not. I’m saddened by your news and inspired by your bravery.

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  10. Angie and Brian, I know you through Calvin and Kim. I’ve prayed and will continue to do so. “Our help is in the name of the LORD, who made heaven and earth.”

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  11. Oh Angie….I have been watching your posts every day…praying for you and your beautiful family. I pray that this cup will pass from you…through the hands of the good doctors that God provides.
    Hugs, dear one
    …Jane

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  12. Betty Anne Schlegel Avatar
    Betty Anne Schlegel

    Angie, I am very sad that you are having to struggle with this new reality. I would be, too, and may in the future. I was 3 1/2 years ago when my BC returned. Looking back, I can see God’s hand strengthen my ministry and my family. I can see in you that it will, too. My heart aches for you as you see how this can affect Brian and your children even more than you. I know that is where your heart is – with them. God has big arms and strong shoulders. He will carry all of you through this. I have seen him do it. You are all in our prayers. “Through it all, through it all, I’ve learned to trust in Jesus, I’ve learned to trust in God…I’ve learned to depend upon his Word.” We love you! “Aunt BA”

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  13. MY DEAR ANGIE PRAYING FOR YOU HONEY AND YOUR DEAR FAMILY .GOD WILL CARRY YOU THROUGH THIS HE IS OUR GREAT HEALER WE LOVE YOU ALL THE ALLENS

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  14. Dear angie,

    You are on my mind every day, we are praying for you and your family daily. I can so easily imagine how you’re feeling after my cancer dx this summer. We will continue praying daily and deeply. Love from all the doyals

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  15. From Hebrews 12
    Let us lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and
    let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.
    Looking to JESUS,
    the founder and perfecter of our faith,
    who for the joy that was set before him
    endured the cross,
    despising the shame,
    and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
    Consider HIM who endured from sinners such hostility against himself,
    so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.
    Let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken,
    and let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe
    for our God is a consuming fire.

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  16. I read through this again tonight, with tears falling anew. The fall festival today brought back memories of talking with you there, two years ago, when this diagnosis still had not been pronounced. We were getting to know each other then, when I had compassion for you but didn’t know how I would grow to love you as my friend. You continue to be in my prayers as you face the hard each day.

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