Today Coop and I stood at the window like we do every morning and waved goodbye to our kiddos. I love how he hops up next to me to look out the window as they drive out. I love seeing their faces light up and their hands signing, “I love you.” I love blowing them kisses and watching until the car is out of sight and asking God to protect and cover them this day.

Today I did it with tears streaming down my face and fought mentally against every pressing thought… “Who will wave to them all if this cancer doesn’t regress?”


It is an oppressive battle.

I fight that thought about almost. every. thing. almost. every. day. The holidays were sometimes agonizing with these thoughts.

To live with the neverendingness of treatment. The neverendingness of scans. The neverendingness of “if.”

I am face to face with my mortality every. single. day. Sometimes moment by moment. I feel it in my body. I can feel the spots where the cancer is, and it is painful in every way.

And the darkness.

The darkness is so real, so painful, so hard.

The fight is constant and overwhelming. I’ve been awake off and on since 2:30 this morning, crying out, praying, begging, reading, meditating, bringing the Word to mind, crying out and begging some more.

“I can give you a thousand things we don’t know–medical reports, accidents, jobs, tests, dates, babies, criticisms, hard conversations, even death. We don’t know what will happen tomorrow. But here is one thing you and I can count on: there will be new mercies from the Lord when we get there.” (~Kevin DeYoung)

I’m preaching truth to myself. He has my days numbered. I cannot change that. What I can do is live the days He’s given me in gospel light. Grace-filled days. Hope-filled days. Mercy-filled days.

Love-filled days.

It never fails.

He never fails.

I am weary today, and I am “lifting my eyes up to the hills from whence comes my help.”

And the lifting my eyes.

It is a struggle today.

But He.

He is the lifter of my head.

Ever leaning.

Ever thankful for all of you who lift me to Him.

3 responses to “Lifting”

  1. So thankful our days are numbered. Who but God can do such a thing? The more I think about it, the more I have peace in knowing there is an inevitable moment where my spirit will leave the spare room, walk through the wardrobe, and finally be at home with Him, forever.


  2. I heard this today – and thought of you – and prayed.

    Psalm 27

    1 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

    2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.

    3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.

    4 One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in his temple.

    5 For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.

    6 And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the Lord.

    7 Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.

    8 When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek.

    9 Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.

    10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.

    11 Teach me thy way, O Lord, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.

    12 Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.

    13 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

    14 Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.


  3. I have a precious group of friends/coworkers, five of us, who I meet with every Friday morning before dawn for friendship time together and time together with God. Today we listened to the song “Oceans -Where Feet May Fail” by Hillsong. I thought of you. As I worshiped and heard my own heart and thought of the various story-lines threading their way through my life I worshiped. Father brought you to mind. And so I worshiped Him and tried to TRUST Him that far too. As far and as wide and as deep as my fears and pain go, and even father to how far and wide and deep yours must go too. The song, like the Psalms of David, may say all that is inside you and be of some help. Your own writings say it so well. I can “see” what you describe. I can picture the window, the waving the angst, the panic, the longing. You draw us in. And going in, I grip Jesus. As you do.
    I read what you wrote and I saw the punctuation. And FELT. every. period.
    As I read, the song came to mind. And so I send it to you with love and a prayer! I hope it helps. It helped me when I thought of you and prayed it for you. And for me.
    Listen, dear one, and find strength. Comfort. Help. for THIS. day. for THIS. moment.
    Loving you in Jesus’ Name today!



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