A Spring of Joy

Buckle up, friends… it’s time for yet another tedious update. I am so weary tonight, so I hope it comes out as something coherent *smile*.

For those of you that aren’t on Facebook or didn’t see my post, insurance ended up denying the PET scan that my doctor wanted me to get, so on Thursday I had a CT of my chest, abdomen and pelvis to see if there are any new metastases since my tumor markers are rising. CT went fine once I gagged down the prep drink, and the contrast dye didn’t give me a migraine this time. I was so thankful for that.

The weekend was good but long with the waiting to find out, and I spent many sleepless night wrestling with my fear and asking God to be my strong tower of refuge. I heard a song today on the radio, something about “how if ever I needed you, Lord, it’s now.” And I thought about how that’s not at all how it should be. I don’t just need Jesus when life is hard. I long to be desperate for Him every day–but that’s another post for another time.

The kiddos had a full weekend–a baseball game and sleepover and birthday party. Life felt somewhat normal. I watched Bella girl running barefoot with her friend pretending to be pioneer girls, and it was a sweet picture of such contentment. Then yesterday, one of my heart friends, Nat, drove 5 1/2 hours with her fella just to be with us. It was a gift. A much needed joy in the hard.

Today Bri and I met with my oncologist for follow-up. And surprise, surprise… I need a PET scan. I am so upset with my insurance company. The CT was inconclusive. My oncologist said the radiologist kept saying how nice it would be to have a PET to look at because all the nodes with tumor in them are so small. She is having him put that in writing and is going to bat for a PET for me later this week.

Basically the nodes with cancer are still there, still the same size, showing no growth. That’s a good thing, but they need to see activity–thus the need for the PET. Also there are two new spots that they need to get a closer look at–one in my abdomen and one in my bones. They are both so small they can’t tell if they’re anything or not. That’s the scary part.

I get another week off from chemo and will start back up next Monday possibly with a new chemo to try… it all depends on whether we can get a PET or not and what the results are. We are still in hurry up and wait mode, and pretty much exhausted in every way. The thought of putting one foot in front of the next is overwhelming, but God gives the strength to do just that.

Tonight we are under a tornado watch, and ever since her friends at school told her about it, our sweet Bella girl has been a mess. She is terrified something will happen. I watched my B draw her into his lap to talk with her and pray with her tonight. He shared of God’s love for her and how worrying about something that might happen was keeping her from her sweet little life. When he finished praying with her he asked her, “Who’s in charge? You or fear?” She grinned and kissed his cheek and said, “God is.” High fives all around for that one. When the thunder rumbled, she trembled in fear and he held her tight and told her it wasn’t wrong to be afraid, he just was helping her learn what to do with her fear. (As I type this, she is fast asleep in bed beside me.)

Oh friends.

I tremble like my Bella girl as the thunder of cancer rumbles through our life.

And far too often I think that cancer is in charge and forget that God has us all in His hand.

Cancer is a fearful thing to face. It always will be. But He is faithful in those fears to hold us fast and keep us safe. We are learning how to trust Him in different ways every day.

I can’t say it enough. Thank you.

Thank you for your love, your prayers, your encouragement. Our hearts are very full.