Because even with the good news, the heaviness of chemo threatens to overwhelm and five days of weakness and headache and body ache and throwing up pull me down into darkness… I need to be reminded that He comes.
~~~~~
When I woke in the morning it was dark, and our house was still and quiet. As I began moving down the stairs I heard a rustling sound, and I knew my Bella was awake. I popped my head in her room and saw her silhouette illuminated by her nightlight. “Hey, Bella girl,” I whispered. “You coming down with me?”
She jumped out of bed and I helped her into her robe. We started walking together in the dimly lit room, then suddenly she turned and ran back across her room to her new nightlight. Excited to have something new, she switched it off not thinking about what would happen, and the room was plunged into darkness.
All I heard was sheer terror in her voice as she cried out, “Mommy! MOMMY!”
I heard the panic. I knew she was afraid of the dark. I knew even more so, she was afraid I was gone out the door and she was alone in that dark room.
I knew because I know her.
And I went to her, finding her hand in the darkness, I pulled her close and wiped her face–a face saturated by tears in just a few short moments. I picked her up, hugging her, soothing her and letting her know it’s all right. I knew she needed to hear those whisperings.
I knew because I know her.
I carried her down the stairs and we began working on breakfast and packing lunches together, and she sang as she worked, “Saviuh, he can move the mountains! My God is mighty to save. He is mighty to save!” All fear was gone.
That’s a bit how life has been for me these past couple of months. Since my surgery, my body has been slow to recover, but more than that, because all of my cancers and the surgery are hormone related, everything is off kilter. I am on different meds that I must adjust to. My replacement thyroid medication is imbalanced. My body is worn and weary and my sleep patterns are off as I wake 5-10 times a night. All of it causes physical imbalance and depression that is overwhelming.
Like my little girl, plunged into darkness, I feel that terror rising up in me every single day. The sadness, the darkness. And there is “no reason why” to my reasonable mind. And like my little girl, I find myself unable to do much more than cry, “Father! FATHER!” to my God. He knows everything I am going through… He’s known all along.
He knows because He knows me.
He comes to me. Sometimes I don’t hear Him or see Him in the darkness, the apathy. But He comes anyway. And over time, I see Him. He shows me Himself in the big things and the small things (and there have been both big things and small things hitting us these past few months.) He whispers truth from His Word or from the mouths of my friends who are walking through this with me. He carries me into the light because He knows I need to see.
He knows because He knows me.
And it is good to be known.
(Written just after my fourth cancer in 2011.)
A Spring of Joy 
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