A Spring of Joy

Glimpses of our world…

  • She Just Wouldn’t Wait

    So. Remember my friend, Beth? We met in college and it was a bond that formed the day we met. Remember how she was in the delivery room with me for the birth of my two boys? Remember how she wanted me in the delivery room with her for the birth of her daughter due on Christmas Day? Remember how we were going to head out to St. Louis Christmas night so I could be there?

    Emma Grace decided she’d rather I just hold her for 3 or 4 days instead of having to be in the hospital while I was there. (I may have to fight Granny for that privilege, but I plan to practice my Wii Boxing so I’m ready.)

    Yep. Monday morning that sweet little one made her arrival and now Christmas travels can’t come soon enough! (We’ll still go to St. Louis after Christmas, but now we won’t have to rush to get there.)

    I am so excited for my dear friends, but please pray for them. Little Emma has had some breathing issues and is in Special Care at the hospital for a few days. While my heart aches to be with my friends right now, I am holding them up in Jesus’ arms, and I’m asking y’all to do the same for them.

    “If I could hear Christ praying for me in the next room, I would not fear a million enemies. Yet distance makes no difference. He is praying for me.” (Robert Murray M’Cheyne)

    I love the image of Jesus bending low to pick up our burdens and carry them for us, and I know He is carrying this burden for Beth & Dale.

    Little Emma is a picture of His “strong grace” already, and I can’t wait to hold that bundle of grace in my arms!

    (Check out Beth & Dale’s blog for updates.)

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  • All Shall Be Well

    Read this today…

    “Remember, the growth of a believer is not like a mushroom—but like an oak, which increases slowly indeed—but surely.

    Many suns, showers, and frosts, pass upon it before it comes to perfection. And in winter, when it seems to be dead—it is gathering strength at the root.

    Be humble, watchful, and diligent in the means, and endeavor to look through all, and fix your eye upon Jesus—and all shall be well. “

    —John Newton, Letters of John Newton

    I am fixing my eyes on Jesus, Who, as Nat reminded me this afternoon, has already won the battle. Cancer will not win.

    My appointment with my surgeon went well. He was very pleased with how well I am healing and I am under no restrictions with activity–just functioning as I have energy and see fit. Taking the stitches out was not very fun, but I have my happy little bottle of percocet to take the pain away.

    As for the lymph nodes he removed, there was cancer in four of them. Heavy sigh. It is never fun to hear that there was cancer in my body. But I do love to hear the word WAS. He cleaned everything out really well and is as certain as he can be that he removed all the cancer. I will face treatment in January and will know more of what that looks like once I see the endocrinologist on the 8th.

    The good news is that this was definitely thyroid cancer and not breast cancer spread. This is good because thyroid cancer is slow growing and doesn’t require chemo for treatment. Basically, if you are going to get cancer, thyroid cancer is the kind to get. And let’s face it… I’m pretty good at getting cancer. Although I did make a deal with Guest Blogger Joe this afternoon that this would be my last time. At least, we’re praying toward that end.

    Honestly, I’m not sure how I feel. I am relieved to know this is not nearly as bad as it could be. I am thankful the surgery is over and I have time to heal. I am excited that this means I should be able to travel in 2 weeks when I head out to see Bethy and meet her little baby girl (hopefully meeting her in the delivery room!). I am encouraged that the surgeon was able to remove as much as he did. I am overjoyed that I will not face the brutality of chemo.

    But still… it’s cancer. And cancer is a hard word to hear. However, in this winter of cancer, I am gathering strength at the root. And my oak tree will draw from the water of Christ’s love and faithfulness and goodness, knowing that He is always with me.

    No matter what the outcome of my life here on earth… all shall be well.

    And tonight I’ll be stepping out with my baby to our first Christmas party of the season. We’ll see how long I hang in there, because holding my head up for a while unsupported gets hard and painful after a while. But really, Bri is okay with that. He’ll be watching me feverishly from across the room, ready to quickly run to my aid and bring me home… because, after all, JMU is playing their semi-final game tonight. Such devotion.

    Go Dukes!

    Thank y’all so much for your prayers, meals (such deliciousness!), childcare, cards and encouragement. I am humbled by your love.

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  • God’s Choosing

    “God has more to teach us.” I hear Monica’s voice on the phone. I hear and I know, but everything in me wants to rise up and scream, “I don’t want to be taught anymore! I just want to rest.” I cry as I disclose my heart to her. “I know, friend.” her voice, husky, mingling tears with mine. “That day will come… for us both.”

    Yesterday we found out that our van needs a new transmission, and front brakes and a serpentine belt. I sat in silence as Bri shared the news, my mind reeling. You have to be kidding me! This? In the midst of everything else? The new year brings more treatment, more bills, new deductibles. Do we EVER get a break?

    I wrestle again with God and I open an unteachable heart to Him. Teach me. Lord. Show me.

    Look around.

    We have so much.

    God has always provided. He has never let us go hungry. We have always paid our bills–on time, at that. We sleep in warmth every night. We have a beautiful little home that surrounds us… four walls that catch laughter and love and tears and struggle daily, wrapping us in God’s love.

    We have so much more than we need. God is still on His throne. He is caring for our daily needs and giving us more than enough.

    As Monica and I talk and share, she reminds me that it’s not about storing up for ourselves treasures on earth. It’s about pouring into others. And we have made our personal choices to pour into the needy and hurting, to pour into our children through Christian education, to pour into our church, to have me stay at home with our children and pour into them rather than working outside the home. Those are the things that will last. My confidence is in the Lord, not in our IRA or the children’s 529’s. The future is the Lord’s. He will provide.

    Who knows? My pouring into my children may lead them into a world of mission work rather than the college education that I can get so worked up about paying for. My pouring into my children may also lead them to being doctors who save lives in more ways than one. All I know is I want to pour into them so that they will pour into others, physically, emotionally, and most of all, spiritually.

    We are responsible for making the decisions we make today in the light that we are given. God still owns tomorrow.

    He hasn’t failed us yet. And we are so much happier when don’t focus on “stuff”. When I get to Heaven God’s not going to ask me if I rented or owned my home. Yet I can get so bogged down in what the world thinks we should “have”.

    God is choosing to bless us with enough. Some He chooses to bless with more. Others He chooses to bless with less. But it’s God’s choosing. Who am I to claim it as my own rather than offering it all to Him saying, “This is all a gift from you. Show me how you want us to spend it, use it, save it, pour it.”?

    Please, Lord, make me teachable.

  • Wednesday Worship: Jesus, King Of Angels

    I don’t think there is anything I can add to these words sung by Fernando Ortega on his Christmas Songs CD. It is my prayer, every night for my home, my family, my heart.

    Oh, may we wake each day to love Him more and sing of His goodness!

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    Jesus, King of angels, heaven’s light,
    Shine Your face upon this house tonight.
    Let no evil come into my dreams;
    Light of heaven, keep me in Your peace.

    Remind me how You made dark spirits flee,
    And spoke Your power to the raging sea.
    And spoke Your mercy to a sinful man;
    Remind me, Jesus, this is what I am.

    CHORUS:
    The universe is vast beyond the stars,
    But You are mindful when the sparrow falls,
    And mindful of the anxious thoughts That find me,
    surround me, and bind me . . . .

    With all my heart I love You, Sovereign Lord.
    Tomorrow, let me love You even more.
    And rise to speak the goodness of Your name
    Until I close my eyes and sleep again.

    CHORUS

    Jesus, King of angels, heaven’s light,
    Hold my hand and keep me through this night.

  • The Angel Returns

    Do y’all remember The Angel In My Room? If not, take a minute and read this post from last year, because…

    Who should call me the day before my surgery to see what was happening and where I would be?

    Yep. Grandaddy Smith.

    And after I was all gowned up and ready to go into surgery, the nurse showed up with a card for me, and who should it be from?

    Yep. Grandaddy Smith.

    And Friday afternoon while I was in post-op, who should come knocking at my door to visit me?

    Yep. Grandaddy Smith.

    And guess what he did?

    Oh, he sang to me. Again.

    That man is truly a messenger from God!

    “In the midst of winter, I found there was within me an invincible summer.” (Albert Camus)

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  • Put My Tears In Your Bottle

    It hurts to cry. I found that out the hard way last night. I never knew how many muscles in my neck were ones I used to cry. And trust me, you use a lot more of them than you realize. There are nights when sleep is elusive (no matter how much percocet I am on) and the grief and fear are overwhelming. Last night was one such night.

    I have felt those tears resting in my throat for days… that ache that sits just at the base of my neck waiting to erupt.

    Tears of uncertainty as I waited for the surgery to come.

    Tears of pain as I rejoice greatly with friends and the miracle of their newborn babies, yet the ache of struggle against God’s will in my life that we will have no more. The longing to hold another of my own in these arms. The thankfulness that I have my three blessings. The joy that I can “mother” the children of friends.

    Tears of frustration at the sleeplessness, the tossing and turning and groaning to God asking for relief from the onslaught of Satan’s arrows of fear and despair.

    Tears of love that gaze at sleeping faces as I tuck them in knowing they will wake to find me gone on the morning of surgery.

    Tears of anger and hurt, burning hot at the insensitive remarks by friends.. or the painful silence by those who have disappeared from my life.

    Tears of disgruntlement as I listen to my husband complain about his lack of coffee on the morning of my surgery, then laughing with him as I offer to trade places.

    Tears of desperation as I pull Brian close and whisper thickly, “If I don’t wake up, you tell my babies I love them. Every. Single. Day. You tell them until the day they die. You promise me that. And you find someone that I would trust to tell you every day until you die. You all cannot ever forget how much I love you.”

    Tears of relief that God saw fit to say “yes” to my pleadings that they be able to use my port and no IV’s in the process.

    Tears of thankfulness that the surgery went well, that he removed all that he believes he needed to, that my recovery is going smoothly.

    Tears of joy that I am home with my family again; that my parents are with me.

    Tears of affection as I see the faces and hear the voices of friends who are calling and visiting, choosing to walk through yet another fire with me.

    Tears of loneliness as I sit in the darkness and wrestle with the anxiety over what comes next, and what if…? What if those twelve nodes show a clear spread of cancer? What does this mean?

    Tears of physical pain as I struggle to get comfortable.

    Tears of sadness as I watch my little ones run out the door to cut down the Christmas tree without me. Watching my heart run beside them panting, trying to catch up, then stopping as the van disappears from sight.

    Tears of relief that one more step is over, that healing can begin, that every day holds improvement.

    Tears of sorrow over my daily struggles with sin, coupled with tears of refreshment at God’s mercy and forgiveness.

    Tears of disappointment over the distance, the miles that separate me from my dearests living far away.

    Tears of release, because sometimes you just need to cry.

    And tears because of this truth: He is with me. No matter how often I have failed Him; He has never failed me. No matter how my body is wasting away, He has delivered my soul from death.

    You have kept count of my tossings;
    put my tears in your bottle.
    Are they not in your book?
    (Psalm 56:8)

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  • Go Dukes!

    I am in my percocet-induced stupor, sipping hot chocolate brought to me by my friend, Nat, who came all the way from Philly to see me. The JMU game is on, the house is warm and cozy, and although I am in a good bit of pain, I am content. It is good to be home.

    More in the coming days…

  • Quick Surgery update

    I’m sitting in the hospital listening to Christmas music (thank you Pandora!) and watching Angie sleep, more or less peacefully. Amazing what a shot of morphine can do for you. Today went well; we arrived around 6, they took her back about 7:45, and she was back from the recovery room by about 11. The Doc says everything went smoothly and he got what he needed while he was in there. I think the tally was 2 diseased lymph nodes and about a dozen others that will be biopsied to double check that there was no further spread of the cancer.

    Although the nurse this morning promised that “best case” we would be able to leave in about 4 hours, Ang wasn’t exactly ready to go home by this afternoon. Imagine that? A little while ago they admitted her for the night and moved us up to a room (604 East). Closer to what I would consider the best case. We will see the surgeon again tomorrow and likely go home sometime in the morning.

    Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers, and Angie should be back soon!

  • Reflections (by Guest Blogger Nat)

    My friend, Natalie, sent this to me today, and it blessed me so much that I asked her if I could share it. Nat is one of my many faithful encouragers, and there was so much sweet truth in this. May we all cling to Him and say, “HOW GOOD IS OUR GOD!”

    Psalm 77

    For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.

    1 I cried out to God for help;
    I cried out to God to hear me.
    2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
    at night I stretched out untiring hands
    and my soul refused to be comforted.

    3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
    I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
    Selah

    4 You kept my eyes from closing;
    I was too troubled to speak.

    5 I thought about the former days,
    the years of long ago;

    6 I remembered my songs in the night.
    My heart mused and my spirit inquired:

    7 “Will the Lord reject forever?
    Will he never show his favor again?

    8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
    Has his promise failed for all time?

    9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
    Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
    Selah

    10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
    the years of the right hand of the Most High.”

    11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
    yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

    12 I will meditate on all your works
    and consider all your mighty deeds.

    13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
    What god is so great as our God?

    14 You are the God who performs miracles;
    you display your power among the peoples.

    15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
    the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
    Selah

    16 The waters saw you, O God,
    the waters saw you and writhed;
    the very depths were convulsed.

    17 The clouds poured down water,
    the skies resounded with thunder;
    your arrows flashed back and forth.

    18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
    your lightning lit up the world;
    the earth trembled and quaked.

    19 Your path led through the sea,
    your way through the mighty waters,
    though your footprints were not seen.

    20 You led your people like a flock…

    I listened to a sermon by Rob Bell from Mars Hill on this psalm not too long ago. Selah is used in Hebrew as a pause or to denote an end of a thought. It’s a moment where the musician has a time to take a breath, catch a breath and just reflect.

    I love the way it’s used in this psalm. Pause. Yes, God is mighty. Pause. No, I can’t do this all myself. Rob’s sermon also talked about the thought pattern. First the author is really struggling. He is being totally vulnerable, totally real. Life stinks. Where is God here? Then the author talks about what he will do so that he will remember the Lord and so that he can take his thoughts captive. But then the author realizes what he’s saying…all this “I will” and “I thought”. Isn’t it more than me? Oh yea, YOU, God, Jesus are what it’s all about…

    “You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.” How awesome! Sometimes praying is about talking to God. Sometimes praying is about not talking at all. Just reflecting.

    Selah.

    Sometimes praying is about listening to ourselves and hearing what we’re saying. And sometimes, the best times, are when we remember HOW GOOD IS OUR GOD!

    To get more Nat in your life, check our her blog. I’m sure she’d love a visit!

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  • And Friday Looms…

    Behold another health update with probably more information than y’all want to know, but for those of you who do… here’s the scoop.

    My surgery is tomorrow morning at 7:30. I go in at 6:00 for prep. They told me at my pre-op interview that they should be able to use my port, which means no IV’s, which would be wonderful! Please pray that this works out… I would just as soon skip the panic attacks that come with vein searches.

    The surgery itself should take about 1 1/2 to 2 hours, and I am first on the docket, so I should be on time. Then I’ll be in recovery for a while.

    Some of the risk factors? Because this is the second time they’ve had to do surgery on my neck, there is an increased risk of nerve damage and damage to my vocal cords. Believe me, the thought of not being able to sing again terrifies me. So please pray for a steady hand on the part of the surgeon and for protection.

    They told me that if I am feeling up to it, they can send me home that night; however, I find it hard to believe that they are slicing my neck open and I’ll feel up to going home! I plan to just keep telling them that my pain level is at an 8 (all you Brian Regan fans are laughing right now) so I can stay.

    My wonderful geek hubby will be updating from his iPhone throughout the day tomorrow… on twitter, facebook and the blog. So, if you’re not his or my friend on facebook, you’d better act fast, because, well, you know, I want to be certain we’re all friends.

    Full recovery is expected to be 2 1/2 to 3 weeks, and the surgeon told me I should be well enough to travel by Christmas, which is good. We are planning a trip out to St. Louis because my Bethy is due to have her baby on Christmas Day… and I get to be in the delivery room with her if it all works out (y’all can just add that to your prayer lists if you’d like).

    As for how I’m doing… well, it comes and goes. I cried most of the day yesterday. Today I am in “to-do list” mode. Last night I was fearful to the point it was almost overwhelming. And I just keep going back to Jesus, sometimes it’s a heavy sigh and a quick prayer. Other times it’s chanting Bible verses over and over. I sing, I cry, I pray, and I cling.

    I am humbled that so many of you are sharing in this journey with me. Thank you for your prayers.

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