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Asking God “Why?”
Yesterday was my CT scan. It’s a quick and relatively painless process, and I was pleasantly surprised to discover there was no prep for it this time (as opposed to my full-body scan last year when I had to drink a half gallon of some nasty milky substance to make my insides glow.) I say relativey painless because once again there was IV trouble. She was very nice, and the Emla cream I put on my arm beforehand helped numb the pain some. After one try, she said, “I can’t figure it out. The vein is right there but it just won’t stay.” (Story of my life.) So she called in the big guns, and it so happened to be the Ninja who rescued me after five hours of torment in the hospital last year. And it was quick and “easy” and we were done.
Biting my lip to try to control myself, and knowing a breakdown was seconds away, I looked at Brian and said, “Why? I just don’t understand.”
I don’t understand. I don’t get why this part has to be so painful. I don’t get why, when my life is already so difficult, this is added on. Why the IV trouble every single time? Why couldn’t this one thing be easy in the midst of all that I’ve gone through this past year? I want to understand why He allows this to happen. And I question myself. I ask, “What am I missing? What am I not learning? Am I just not clinging to Christ enough that there is this one more thing that makes me cling even more?” Because I refuse to let it drive me away from Him. I am terrified that it will drive me away from Him, so I cling even tighter to Him even though the questions abound.
In terms of prayer… we must not only pray our questions,
but also pray our faith.(Steve Harper, Talking In The Dark)
I go to Him daily with these questions, and it is a daily struggle to believe. I know the truth in my mind and I know the truth in my heart as well. But I must remind myself that it is the truth, because I don’t feel the truth right now. God is sovereign in the midst of pain. He is still on His throne. He never changes and will not change. He loves me deeper than I can fathom. He is good and faithful and never makes a mistake.
Deep breath.
That last one is a hard thing for me to believe right now. I struggle with feeling like all of this is a huge mistake, and when I’m despairing, I struggle with feeling like I am nothing but a mistake. I know that’s not true. I know that He chose me and molded me and fashioned me to be who I am even before I was conceived. And I know that He chose me for a beautiful purpose in this life.
So I look around and see all the beautiful things He has purposed for me… the family that I grew up in, the friends, the education, the work, the husband and children, the home, the church, the life, and ultimately Himself and the promise of forever. And as I see the beauty of Who He is, and what He has done for me, the questions change.
My “why me?” becomes “why not me?” And I question why He has been so good to me when I deserve so much less than this. He has given me so many amazing and abundant gifts. Yet I never look around and ask “why me?” about those. I live as if I expect Him to bless me with these things, yet I am shocked that He could allow hard things in my life.
Truth be told. I do expect to be blessed, because He has promised blessing in my life. What I so often fail to see is that this whole trial, this pain and fear and questioning and struggle, this is one of the blessings He has given me. It is driving me deeper. It is pushing me to Him. It is forcing me to examine and ask those hard questions, and I know what I believe. Clinging to Christ is the best place to be. And being in that place may be hard, but it is the ultimate blessing.
So I let go of the questions, questions that have no answers. And I cling to what I do know. That He loves me. That He knows me. That He designed me. That He designed this body, this matrix of veins beneath my skin, every cell, every molecule, every part of me was His divine plan… the perfect Weaver who designed my tapestry in beauty. And as much as I don’t want it to be there, every needle stick and every missed IV is woven into that tapestry. And it is going to be beautiful when it’s finished.
We are urgent about the body; He is about the soul. We call for present comforts; He considers our everlasting rest. And therefore when He sends us not the very things we ask, He hears us by sending greater than we ask or think.
(Richard Cecil)
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And The Cuteness, Y’all, It Overwhelms
So, I’ve been MIA a bit lately, and every time I turn around I think, I need to write that down, because my children and my life keep me laughing (or crying).
And since laughter is healing, here goes…
My buddy has come home from school with something new every week (sometimes it’s every day), and he now sings a prayer he learned whenever he prays before meals. His brother has followed suit. Only he creates his own (no scripts for my Bear!). So before lunch last week, Bear dutifully folded his hands, looked up at me with that dimpled grin and said, “I’m going to sing my prayer today.”
Okay.
Deep breath.
Sing-song voice commences with:
“Jesus Christ, I think upon your sacrifice. And I’m so thankful for all this food. And I love my family. And I love playing all day. And Mommy makes good lunch. And I miss Daddy. And I love my family forever. Amen.”
Oh, how Bear entertains with his exuberance. Not to mention his imagination. And his love for super heroes. Yep. That’s Bear, the redneck Batman.
Then there’s Bella who dances through life. Literally. Spinning and singing and dancing and being extremely dramatic about everything.
I really have no idea where she gets it.
Her new favorite game is I Spy, and it makes me laugh EVERY time she perks up with, “Iiiiii pu-pyyyyy someting pink!” Because no matter where she’s looking, she says pink. Except when she says red. But that’s rare.
Oh, and she is in love now. With Baby Ed-a-mund. Watch out, Baby Jude, you have competition!
And what happened to my little first grader? He’s turned into a little man with gangly legs who’s outgrown every pair of uniform pants I just bought him for school 2 months ago! He had his first school program, and yes, I cried.
He just keeps growing up on me. And oh, how I love the honesty of kids! The other day he was playing in his room, and I asked him what he was up to. His answer?“I’m playing by myself. I like playing by myself. I have everything my way.”
Oh. Don’t we all, son? Don’t we all? Only we grown-ups aren’t real enough to admit it.So, there is the past little while in a small nutshell.
And then there’s JMU who routed Dela-WHERE? on Saturday, and we tailgated and wore our JMU colors, and Nat was here which completely made my weekend.
The cuteness.
Sigh.
It rocks my world.
Well, except for this. This is NOT cute. I’m not really sure what this is.
Yes, that would be my hubby and Guest Blogger Joe at our Fall Festival.You can see more cuteness (I promise, there are no more pictures of Guest Blogger Joe in there) in our gallery, if you wish… and I don’t know why you wouldn’t wish to, but then again I’m a bit biased.
Thanks to everyone for your support these past couple weeks. I mean it. I appreciate you.
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Happy Halloween
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Yet Another Tedious Update
As you wait upon the Lord, you learn to see things from His perspective, move at His pace, and function under His directives. Waiting times are growing times and learning times. As you quiet your heart, you enter His peace; as you sense your weakness you receive His strength; as you lay down your will, you hear His calling. When you mount up, you are being lifted by the wind of His Spirit; when you move ahead, you are sensitive to His timing; when you act, you give yourself only to the thing He has asked you to do.
–Roy LessinI continue to wait, and the discouragement threatens to overwhelm as I seek answers, yet find none. We met with my surgeon today, and I am going in for a CT Scan on Monday. Next Wednesday I will find out the results and we will move on from there. Best case scenario, the nodule could be one of my para-thyroid glands has enlarged or it could be scar tissue from my thyroidectomy 10 years ago. If that’s the case, then he’ll do a para-thyroid scan and we’ll treat from there. If there’s nothing conclusive in the CT Scan, then he’s talking thyroid scan and needle biopsy (ultrasound-guided).
This is where the confusion comes in. My endocrinologist is of the opinion that if there is a nodule in my neck it needs to come out no matter what, so why put me through the scan and biopsy? My surgeon seems to think that the nodule can stay as long as it’s not cancerous. I; however, want it out of my body. Nothing good seems to be in my body these days, and I am concerned.
So needless to say I have a bunch of questions… no answers. I am fearful, especially of a barrage of tests and scans and let me just tell you, the needle biopsy is excruciating. Picture a 4 inch needle into your neck with no anesthesia. (All you faint of heart can pick yourselves up off the floor now, I’m done.)
My heart is heavy. I am emotionally drained, especially since I talked with my sweet friends Beth, Moni (she sent me the above quote) and Nat today and they are all so far away and I long for their “present” support. It is a growing and learning time… God’s not done with me yet. I long to learn more of Him through this, because I know that somehow I will see Him.
So I seek Him and ask Him for the eyes to wait on Him rather than answers. For the peace that rests in Him rather than results. For the filling that come from Him rather than circumstances. For the joy that finds strength in Him rather than in myself. For the security that come from my spiritual health rather than my physical well-being. For Him. And Him alone.
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Wednesday Worship: While I’m Waiting
These days of waiting are hard. I want to know what’s coming down the pipeline. I want to know when my surgery will be. I want to know if I have cancer again and if so, if it has spread. I want to know what scans and treatments await. I want to know what the next months will look like for my family and me. I want to know… I want to know… I want to know… and I grow impatient. Impatient with the pain and the fear and the struggle.
My friend, Donna, visited this past weekend. Faithful to write, send cards, pray, and update her Bible study full of strangers who are also praying for me, Donna has always had a way to encourage me. This weekend, she made me sit down and listen to the song, While I’m Waiting, by John Waller. And I was humbled, convicted, encouraged, and uplifted.
I have made this my mantra these past days as I wait–that while I’m waiting I will serve him. While I’m waiting I will worship Him. I am choosing this posture of worship, and even in that choice, my God is worshipped.
As we go through our Exodus series in church, I am reading through the book of Exodus on my own, and I am enthralled with the imagery that the wilderness brings. One thing that has struck me is something that Burress also touched on this past week… that the wilderness was place away from the gods of Egypt… away from the worship of Pharoah. And I thought about how the wilderness was a safe place, a place where the Israelites could daily worship. Worship could become their lifestyle. Daily. In that waiting place. They were free to worship. And while they failed, miserably sometimes, they found forgiveness over and over and it led them back to worship.
So, like the Israelites, I will fail miserably, but I will find forgiveness, and I will continue to worship. And I will continue to wait. And I am hopeful.
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I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will waitI will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedienceWhile I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I waitI’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will waitI will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedienceWhile I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I waitI will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve you while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord(© 2007 Travelin’ Zoo Music (ASCAP) (admin. by EMI CMG Publishing)
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Rest
“If you want rest come to Christ in Gethsemane, to Christ on Calvary, to Christ risen, to Christ ascended. If you want rest, O weary souls, ye can find it nowhere until ye come and lay your burdens down at His dear pierced feet, and find life in looking alone to Him.”
– Charles SpurgeonMy soul is weary.
My heart is burdened.
My body is aching.
My emotions are fragile.
My mind is a whirlwind.
My fears are staggering.
My faith is weak.My Jesus is ENOUGH.
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Bloodlines
Friday afternoon in the mountainous coal mining region of Pennsylvania, we buried my grandmother. She was ninety-four.
It had been more than fifteen years since I had been to my father’s hometown, and I was awash with a multitude of memories and emotions. A very ethnic Italian and Polish community, it was like walking back into time 50 years. The mountains were beautiful. The bloodlines were interesting.
I met cousins and second cousins and uncles and aunts. With names like Lorenzo and Luigi in my family, I knew we were very Italian, but when I heard my Dad called “Johnny” over and over again with thick accents, it hit me just how deep those bloodlines ran. Of course, everyone there was either Frankie or Johnny or Jimmy. There was also Uncle Mimi, short for Dominic, and his daughter, Dominica. Everyone talked with their hands and emphasized the first syllable in their words and pinched cheeks. It’s been a long time since someone pinched my cheeks, but, bless their hearts, I think every Great-Aunt pinched mine on Friday.
My father’s life has not been easy. My father’s family has not been easy. Losing his own father, Alphonso, at the age of 11, my dad’s life was turned upside down. You see, he didn’t just lose his father that day… shortly after the tragedy, Daddy’s brother had a complete breakdown at 16 years of age. Uncle Larry has been institutionalized with paranoid schizophrenia ever since. My grandmother also suffered a breakdown and Daddy was sent to live for a while with his grandmother who only spoke Italian. His mom, my grandmother, was never the same, and the memories I have of her consist of a short (4 feet, 10 inch) woman with stringy gray hair, huge black eyes, and a very dark, foreboding house.
The way I look at it, even though she physically passed away 3 weeks ago, Daddy lost his mom 48 years ago. He lost her to a disease that ravages the mind and steals away life. He lost her to dysfunction and paranoia. And as I looked around on Friday at all our family, I was sad. Sad for my Daddy who never knew the joy of growing up in a healthy home. I was sad for my uncle, who looked around bewildered from his wheelchair. Sad because this, too, is a result of the fall.
Yet, in the midst of sadness, there are the reminders of life.
There is the smile of a little girl.
There’s the joy of my Buddy, who grinned from ear to ear while reciting the Lord’s Prayer.
There is the beauty of God’s creation all around.
There is the promise that Christ is not in the grave. That He is risen, and He is here to meet every need.There is the warmth of my husband’s hand, reminding me that he’s beside me no matter what.
And there is always Bear. Notice he is boxing with the Notre Dame flag.
And there are my bloodlines. I love the bloodlines of my ethic Italian family, but there are lines that run deeper still. There are the lines that run to the Cross, to the promise and heritage of my Father in Heaven. Those are my bloodlines, too.
I am a daughter of the King.
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Bend In The Road
“…my future seemed to stretch out before me like a straight road. I thought I could see along it for many a milestone. Now there is a bend in it. I don’t know what lies around the bend, but I’m going to believe that the best does. It has a fascination of its own, that bend, Marilla. I wonder how the road beyond it goes–what there is of green glory and soft, checkered light and shadows–what new landscapes–what new beauties–what curves and hills and valleys further on.”— Anne of Green Gables, Chapter XXXVIII
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Wednesday Worship: You Never Let Go
Today my world came crashing down yet again.
The ultrasound of my neck showed a 1 cm nodule in my left thyroid bed. My endocrinologist is moving quickly to contact the surgeon to schedule surgery and biopsy. I don’t know much other than that right now.
This I do know. God hasn’t changed.
As I drove to pick up my boys from their Art and Music classes this afternoon, the song that immediately came on the iPod was Matt Redman’s “You Never Let Go” from his Beautiful News album. God knew I needed to hear it, that I needed to be reminded that He is holding me and will never let me go. I have a lot of fear right now. A lot of questions and a lot of unknowns again.
But as I walk through yet another valley, this is the truth that I will cling to; that He is near, that there is a day coming when all these troubles will end.
Until that day.
Still I will praise Him.
You Never Let Go
Even though I walk through the valley
Of the shadow of death,
Your perfect love is casting out fear.
And even when I´m caught in the middle
Of the storms of this life,
I won´t turn back; I know You are near.And I will fear no evil,
For my God is with me.
And if my God is with me,
Whom then shall I fear? Whom then shall I fear?O no, You never let go,
Through the calm and through the storm
O no, You never let go,
In every high and every low
O no, You never let go, Lord You never let go of me.And I can see a light that is coming
for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare.
And there will be an end to these troubles,
But until that day comes,
We´ll live to know You here on the earth.Yes, I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on,
And there will be an end
To these troubles,
But until that day comes,
Still I will praise You,
Still I will praise You.Bible reference: Psalm 23
Matt and Beth Redman c2006 Thankyou Music
(administered worldwide by EMI CMG Publishing,
excluding the UK which is administered by
Kingswaysongs.com) -
From The Lips Of My Children…
… more reminders of God’s gifts.
While rocking Bella to bed on the last night of open windows, she heard the crickets outside and whispered, “Mommy, dat music outside is singing for me.”
While helping my Buddy get ready for school, “Oh, I hope Bear wakes up soon. I don’t want to miss telling him good-bye.”
While off-roading, the exuberance of Bear kept us rolling as he talked non-stop, “Ooooooh, look. Oh, the trees are gorgeous, and the leaves are so fancy. Oh that makes me so happy. And oh, look, there’s a river down there with water in it. But what happens if we fall off the side of the mountain? The trees will catch us won’t they? Oh, I just love off-roading. Daddy, did you notice there’s a freckle on my finger?”
The five of us dancing at night, lights off, with flashlights and hearing Bella sing, “Us built dis city on wock and woll!”
Hearing Buddy plan his birthday party and all the friends he wants to invite. “I’m glad I have so many friends, Mommy!” (We’re going to have to pare it down.)
Cuddling with his sick baby sister, Bear sneezed, covering his mouth dutifully with his hands. “Mommy, I covered my ‘God bless you’ so it wouldn’t get on Bella.”
Thank You, Lord, for crickets’ songs, for gorgeous trees with fancy leaves, Your creation. Thank You for Your hand of protection over us. Thank You for the bodies you have woven together for each of us, each freckle, hair, dimple is Your handiwork. Thank You for nights of laughter and frivolity, for tender moments of sibling love. Thank You for friendships. Thank You for Your many blessings. Our life is so full.
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A Spring of Joy 