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What To Do With A Sick Little Girl
Hold her. Just hold her when she needs it.
Don’t worry about the dust or the clothes piling up or the untidy state of your home.
Just love her. You’re holding a piece of forever in your arms.
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Beginning With A Bang… Or Not
Yesterday I began the barrage of tests, scans, ultrasounds, injections, questions and waiting. And I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry, so I just did both.
After a lengthy drive filled with me singing at the top of my lungs to songs on my iPod, I arrived at the hospital (not the one I normally go to) for my appointment. I was having an ultrasound of my neck in order for them to see if they could locate any remaining thyroid tissue from my thyroidectomy 10 years ago. They took me back quickly into
the dungeonradiology, and it all went downhill from there.The technician was a nice older woman with a smoker’s cough and a coarse exterior, but she was very personable. Maybe too personable, when after getting me comfortable on my gurney and prepping my neck, she started to dance. You know, crossing her legs, jittery movements. Finally she put the ultrasound wand down and said, “I gotta pee.”
(At the risk of sounding non-PC, just think about all of this done with a very hick, not southern, accent. If you don’t know the difference, I’m not sure what to tell you.)
I smiled, unable to move my head because of the goop all over my neck.
But she kept going, “If I don’t go pee now, I’m gonna spend the whole time dancing and not get what I need.”
Uh, okay. You go do your thing, lady. So she did. In the very next room where I could hear everything. And trust me, I listened real hard to be sure she washed her hands!
“MUCH better.” she chortled as she emerged from the bathroom. She started scanning my neck and taking pictures when there was a knock on the door and another person entered.
“Oh, Hiiiiiii.” my friendly technician said. “I’m almost done.” Then she turned back to me and said, “This is our student. She missed everything I’ve done, so I’m just gonna start all over.”
Right. You just go right ahead and redo everything while I lay in this uncomfortable position and have you press down so hard on my neck and throat that I see stars again. Not a problem at all.
Oh, and it got better. Throughout the whole re-scanning procedure, she explained everything she was doing to the student. Only explaining everything sounded something like this.
“Okay, this here looks like it could be a lymph node, but it might be a parathyroid gland, or something else. Well, really I’m not sure what that is, so I’m just gonna zoom in and take a picture of it.”
Repeat about ten times.
By that point, I was almost in tears wanting to shout, “Helloooooooo!! Cancer patient here. Anything you say ‘I don’t know what that is’ about screams ‘TUMOR’ to me.” I am convinced that doctors, nurses, technicians, etc. really need to learn to speak a whole different language to cancer patients because every single question raised means facing the fear of recurrence.
Finally, the technician turned to me, smiled and said, “Honey, don’t mind us. I do a lot of talking and mostly it means nothing. Well, some of it means nothing. Nevermind. I don’t know what I’m saying half the time.”
Thanks. Now I’m really reassured that I’m in competent hands.
Well, all I can say now is that there is one down and the waiting begins. It will be mid-week before I find anything out about the results. Am praying that I will hear His voice and know His presence as I wait.
Oh, and can I just add it’s really hard to drive on the interstate while “Shackles” by Mary, Mary is on repeat on my iPod?
How do you dance and drive at the same time?
In the corners of mind
I just can’t seem to find a reason to believe
That I can break free
Cause you see I have been down for so long
Feel like the hope is gone
But as I lift my hands, I understand
That I should praise you through my circumstanceTake the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I’m gonna praise you
I’m gonna praise youPraising Him in my circumstances today!
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October Sky
Thank you, Lord, for mornings in the Valley, for this view from my deck that greets me each morning and reminds me of Your glory. May Jesus Christ be praised in my life, in our home, this day and every day!
When morning gilds the skies my heart awaking cries:
May Jesus Christ be praised!
Alike at work and prayer, to Jesus I repair:
May Jesus Christ be praised!
When you begin the day, O never fail to say,
May Jesus Christ be praised!
And at your work rejoice, to sing with heart and voice,
May Jesus Christ be praised!Does sadness fill my mind? A solace here I find,
May Jesus Christ be praised!
Or fades my earthly bliss? My comfort still is this,
May Jesus Christ be praised!To God, the Word, on high, the host of angels cry,
May Jesus Christ be praised!
Let mortals, too, upraise their voice in hymns of praise,
May Jesus Christ be praised!Be this at meals your grace, in every time and place;
May Jesus Christ be praised!
Be this, when day is past, of all your thoughts the last
May Jesus Christ be praised!When mirth for music longs, this is my song of songs:
May Jesus Christ be praised!
When evening shadows fall, this rings my curfew call,
May Jesus Christ be praised!When sleep her balm denies, my silent spirit sighs,
May Jesus Christ be praised!
When evil thoughts molest, with this I shield my breast,
May Jesus Christ be praised!The night becomes as day when from the heart we say:
May Jesus Christ be praised!
The powers of darkness fear when this sweet chant they hear:
May Jesus Christ be praised!In Heav’n’s eternal bliss the loveliest strain is this,
May Jesus Christ be praised!
Let earth, and sea and sky from depth to height reply,
May Jesus Christ be praised!Be this, while life is mine, my canticle divine:
May Jesus Christ be praised!
Sing this eternal song through all the ages long:
May Jesus Christ be praised!(translated from German by Edward Caswall & Robert Bridges)
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Perfect For Me
I love heroes. Superheroes. My brother and I grew up on them. Every Saturday morning we’d head down to the family room and curl up in front of Super Friends while Mom and Daddy enjoyed sleeping in. We’d get home from school and watch old Batman reruns on channel 5. Daddy (ever the artist!) would draw them for us, Mom would make capes and masks out of felt, and we’d play heroes every time we could. We played with our friends, most often with Sherry, my one-day-to-be sister-in-law. (Who knew those days climbing all over the jungle gym as Batman, Robin and Batgirl, we’d one day all be related?)
I married a man who also loves heroes. Superheroes. Over the years we have enjoyed watching Smallville sporadically. In the premiere of season 8, there was a moment that struck me, and yes, I cried. Jimmy Olsen was proposing (or rather backing out of his proposal because of a misunderstanding) to Chloe. She finally said to him, “Yes.” Noticing his confusion, she explained how during her captivity (because what super hero show is complete without someone being held captive?) she realized this:
“What I wanted in the past kept me from seeing what I have right now. And that’s you. You’re perfect.”
Jimmy replied, “I am so far from perfect.”
As she hugged him, Chloe whispered, “Which is perfect for me.”
All I could think about was my Brian, because, well, I think about him a LOT. And how he is so perfect for me. How despite all our imperfections and our failures and our struggles, his love never fails.
This past weekend, we were at a wedding at the Oakland Plantation in Leesburg. Brian’s bosses’ son married his childhood sweetheart. Bri and I have been to a lot of weddings. By a lot, I mean at least 7 a year since we got married 12 years ago… you can do the math. I have (with the exception of one other time… that’s you Josh and Kristin) never seen a groom so overcome with the thought of his bride. He was overwhelmed with anticipation, emotion, and love. It was gorgeous. As they faced each other and he vowed “in sickness and in health” to “cherish” her until the day that “death alone will part us,” all I could think about was my Brian. Again. (I think about him. A LOT. Well, you know, because I love him. A LOT.) I leaned in close under his arm and I felt his warmth pull me tight.
“That’s you.” I whispered to him through my tears.
He has not been a husband who has borne with me during these last months of trial. He has not detached himself from me to deal with his fears his own way. He has not given up on my emotional outbursts and insanities by walking away. He has not merely stood by my side faithfully. He has cherished me. He has treasured me. He has made it clear to me that I am his wife of value and I am precious to him no matter what I go through, no matter what I look like, no matter how often I fail him. He loves me.
And that is just one of the reasons why I think about him a LOT. Because, well, I love him a LOT, too.
He is the true hero in my life. And he is far from perfect. Which makes him perfect for me.
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Wednesday Worship: Change The Way
Romans 12:1 says, “Offer your bodies as living sacrifices… this is your spiritual act of worship.” God reminds me again and again that worship isn’t just what happens on Sundays at church, or at small group meetings, or at intentional times of worship with friends. Worship isn’t just singing when I need something from Him to fill that emotional need in my heart and mind. Worship is a sacrifice. Worship is a lifestyle. Worship is offering my whole body to Him.
I said it last week, we become what we worship. If we worship self, we become self-absorbed and narcissistic. If we worship food, we become gluttons. If we worship our body image, we become obsessed with beauty and the false beauty of our culture. If we worship sports, we become more concerned with who won the game than about the enjoyment of it, or we fill our children’s lives so full of sports activities that we lose who they are in our idol. If we worship order, we become slaves to our to-do lists. If we worship television, we become deceived into a mindset that life is the false reality of our favorite shows and expect life to entertain us. If we worship education, we become fixated on how knowledgeable we are or how smart our children are. If we worship money, we care more about material things than we do about eternal things. I could go on forever… but what we need more than anything is to comprehend what it means to worship Him!
How my heart needs to be rearranged! Sunday, while driving home from NOVA, Bri and I listened to a sermon by John Piper on mercy (can I get an AMEN?!) and then we sang together for an hour. Just listening and crying (well, me crying) and praising. We listened to Aaron Shust’s Anything Worth Saying album in its entirety, plus some. Plus some, because I kept hitting repeat on the iPod for almost every song.
Aaron’s song, Change The Way, has always been one of my favorites from that album, but as we sang it together on Sunday, I started to cry (again). I think I subjected Bri to singing this five times (at least) on our drive. (Don’t worry, he just smiled at me and sung a new harmony each time.)
I was blown away by the truth of how my heart needs rearranged. I need to see Jesus in a whole new way. As much as I long for healing of my body, I need healing of my eyes and my heart first. I need to know His love and grace. I long to live like a daughter of the KING.
What would it look like for our hearts and our praise to be rearranged? How would our lives change? How would our worship change?
Today I am praying for my eyes to be healed so I will see Him and worship him fresh.
How is God healing your eyes this week?
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King of all the universe
We love You
And we come to You now
Asking for Your healing touch
We need You
This very hourWould you help us comprehend
What it means to worship You
‘cause we’re blinded by our circumstance
Heal our eyes todayMay we know Your love;
Feel it course through our veins
Encircling our hearts and embracing our souls
We need Your love
And grace to remain, to rearrange our hearts
And change the way we praiseSon of God who took my place
We thank You and may we realize
You’ve made us righteous in His sight
You took our wrongs and made them right
We owe You all of our livesMay we know Your love;
Feel it course through our veins
Encircling our hearts and embracing our souls
We need Your love
And grace to remain, to rearrange our hearts
And change the way we praiseLove me, Father, for I am Your son
(and I am Your daughter) -
Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back In The Water…
(BEWARE: Tedious health update ahead)
There’s no pretty way to write this post, so I’m just going to lay out the facts of where we are now with everything with me… prepare to be bored, or just skip this post if you like. But if you skip it, please still pray for us. There’s lots coming up for us. Lots I wasn’t expecting, and I am discouraged.My mind and heart race back to the question I have struggled with throughout this whole, painful process. Do I truly believe that God is sovereign even when life is hard? Or do I just take the good in my life and curse Him for the bad? There is no other answer than to say, like Lynn Eib in her book, “When God And Cancer Meet”:
Let God simply be God. Let Him be the unfalteringly faithful God, willing to strengthen us for any and every circumstance. Let him be the incredibly sovereign God, wise enough to know how and when to answer any and every prayer. Let Him be the mighty awesome God that He is, powerful enough to heal us at any and every level–powerful enough to heal… body, mind and spirit.
He is God and I am not.
–Monday brought another appointment with my oncologist, and I am still struggling with iron-deficiency anemia, so she decided to give me an iron infusion… right then and there. They hooked me up to my port (Bri loves to talk about my Matrix plug-in), and infused iron straight into my bloodstream. I had a lovely little nap in the chair, then headed home and suffered one of the worst headaches I’ve had in months. This left me pretty weak and fatigued for Tuesday. But now I’m up and around like normal. Or like whatever normal is for me now. Hopefully, this will help me turn the corner on fatigue, too.
–However. Don’t you just LOVE howevers? The doc is concerned that there is blood loss somewhere because of the anemia, so I get to go see a gastroenterologist in a few weeks so he can check out my stomach and colon to be sure everything is okay there. Joys.
–My next heart scan is in a week and a half, and already I am having nightmares about the search for veins that will accompany it. Last night I woke up shaking so badly I thought I was having convulsions. So, let’s just add panic attacks to the list.
–Once that heart scan comes back, the doc and I will decide whether to continue my treatment or not. She is not against discontinuing treatment from this point on, because there is no medical data to determine whether 10 months of Herceptin is any worse than 12 months. If my heart hasn’t regulated, then I will definitely be done with the Herceptin treatment.
–Now… let’s step back in time 10 years. When I had thyroid cancer. I had my thyroid completely removed and went to UVA to the 4th top endocrinologist in the nation (he has since retired). They did some follow-up and then began maintenance of my thyroid levels, etc. They determined that no other treatment was necessary because they couldn’t see any remaining thyroid; it had been completely removed. So I had one follow-up scan, no further treatment, and went on my merry way. However, what they failed to tell me was that the cancer was in two of my lymph nodes. As my mother-in-law so eloquently put it, “WHAT CRACK THE SIZE OF THE GRAND CANYON DID THAT FALL THROUGH?!”
Okay, I think I’m done ranting about that now.
–I am seeing an endocrinologist at another hospital now. First visit with her was a month ago. And my levels are all off. My meds got messed up at the cancer center. Add to that she found evidence of remaining thyroid tissue, so I am now facing an ultrasound of my neck along with a scan (that requires THREE, let me repeat that, THREE injections that can’t be done through my port. Translate… they’ll have to search for veins.) Once the scan is done I may also have to undergo radioactive iodine treatment. I am still processing all this, so feel free to send me questions, but I may not have answers.
–All my doctors tell me they aren’t concerned. But I am. “Don’t be concerned,” were the words I heard one week before I received the worst news of my life.
The battle is not done. Please pray for my heart. That I would choose to look at God instead of my circumstances. That while fear (and pain) is very real, it would not overcome. That I would truly believe that God is unfalteringly faithful, incredibly sovereign, and the mighty awesome God that He is.
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Wednesday Worship: Revelation Song
What do you think when you mention the name of God? How does your mind respond? What emotions rise up in your heart? I’ve written before (several times) about how healing it is to sing the names of God. How do you respond to Who God is?
This Sunday at church in Nashville (have I mentioned how a-MA-zing it was?) we sang Revelation Song, a song I’ve heard before and hummed to around the house. But Sunday was the first time I’ve ever really thought about what I was singing. And I was blown away by the simplicity yet depth of the lyrics.
“Filled with wonder. Awestruck wonder. At the mention of Your name.”
When is the last time I’ve been struck with wonder at the very mention of the name of my God? When is the last time I’ve been still and meditated on Who He is? When is the last time I’ve been amazed by His power? When is the last time I’ve cried “Holy, holy, holy God” and really thought about what it means to call God holy? That He is the only one who can be called by that name? When is the last time I’ve thought about how He is my everything?
“You are my everything, and I will adore you.”
It’s a choice. A choice to worship and adore Him. And worship begins when we see how great God is. And I believe that as we choose to do so, our hearts will be filled with wonder and awe and we won’t be able to stop adoring.
“…and One sat on the throne. And He who sat there was like a jasper and a sardius stone in appearance; and there was a rainbow around the throne, in appearance like an emerald. Around the throne were twenty-four thrones, and on the thrones I saw twenty-four elders sitting, clothed in white robes; and they had crownsof gold on their heads. And from the throne proceeded lightenings, thunderings, and voices… Before the throne there was a sea of glass, like crystal… And in the midst of the throne, and around the throne, were four living creatures… And they do not rest day or night, saying: ‘ Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, Who was and is and is to come!’…”
They do not rest day or night saying how holy He is! Think about that for a moment!
When is the last time you’ve sat and just adored God?
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Worthy is the,
Lamb who was slain
Holy, Holy, is He
Sing a new song, to Him who sits on
Heaven’s Mercy Seat(Chorus)
Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And I will adore You…!Clothed in rainbows, of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and
Glory and power be
To You the Only Wise King.(Chorus)
Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come.
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And – I – will – adore You!Filled with wonder,
Awestruck wonder
At the mention of Your Name
Jesus, Your Name is Power
Breath, and Living Water
Such a marvelous mystery(Chorus)
Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come, yeah
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And – I – will – adore You!Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come,
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And – I – will – adore YOU…(Chorus)
(Written by Jennie Lee Riddle. Singer: Kari Jobe)
Won’t you adore Him today with me?
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The Top Ten Things I Loved About Tennessee Travels
In no particular order…
1. Believe it or not the traveling. We love being together as a family and our kids really do travel so well. Snacking on cheese nips and raisins, singing harmony at the top of our lungs, curling up for car naps, playing I Spy, watching The Muppet Show on DVD and hearing our boys laugh out loud. I love Bear’s dimples and the sparkle in his eye every time he hears the intro to “Real Gone” from Cars. I love my Buddy’s inquisitive nature and excitement to discover new things and new places. And I love little Bella singing at the top of her lungs a song to which only she knows the words (and the melody).
2. The beauty of the mountains. When we arrived in Tennessee, we heard this: “But, Mom, it doesn’t feel like we left Virginia.” Yep. It’s all God’s country!
3. Seeing Tiff’s face standing at the end of her apartment waiting. And hearing my kids yell, “Tiffany!” at the top of their lungs as they jumped on and bear-hugged their favorite baby-sitter, now sadly (for us) displaced to her new home.
4. The food. So, I broke dietary restrictions a lot this weekend. And OH MY STARS the blackberry pancakes at Log Cabin Pancake House in Pigeon Forge! I sigh with contentment. But even better? The pulled pork BBQ, broccoli salad, and beans that Kristin made on Saturday!
5. Spontaneity. I like to call them our “look what God did” moments. Our plans on Friday caved, which opened up the door for us to call our college friends, Scott and Jen, and meet them for supper at a park. Not nearly long enough, but it was so wonderful to see them and catch up what little we could.
6. Hanging out with Josh and Kristin. I will never forget the day Kristin, my senior year summer roommate, walked into our townhouse and dropped all her groceries, smashing her toe when I flashed my engagement ring. We spent years together being groupies for Josh’s band that Brian was the sound guy for, and we have missed their presence. It always amazes me how whenever we see them it’s like time never passed and we pick up right where we left off. We just keep adding kids to the mix and they will soon have daughter number 2. I figure that makes one for each of our boys.
7. Nashville. I could live there. In a heartbeat. I have always loved that city. This trip we went to Centennial Park to see the Parthenon replica, and ended up wading through the crowds headed to the Vanderbilt – Auburn game. (Way to GO Vandy!) We happened to be at the park the same weekend as the Celebration of Cultures, and it was so fun to walk around and see all the festivities. Ash has just learned about the Parthenon in school, so he was thrilled to walk around and tell us all he knew, and pose with a Griffin statue (his school mascot). Bear just wanted to play on the playground, and Bella, well, she was just happy.
8. Beth. My dear, sweet college friend. She drove the trip from St. Louis to meet us in Nashville, and we caught up as quickly as we could. We laughed and cried and I fell in love with her little pregnant belly and that sweet baby girl inside. It wasn’t nearly long enough, but as always, it was wonderful.
9. Worship. Sunday morning was a-MA-zing. I can’t stop talking about the sermon and the worship. I was blown away, convicted, blessed, challenged and fueled.10. Sonic. Yep. Sonic. Bri and I searched the GPS for Sonics as we neared the Tennessee – Virginia border, because, after all, no trip to the south is complete without a meal at Sonic, so we polished up our burgers, curled up in the dark and finished our trip home with full bellies and happy hearts.
Happy hearts because we had spent the time being together. At one point during the trip, I grabbed Bri’s hand and cried. “We’re here.” I said. “We’re just here. That’s all that matters.” October 4th of last year was the day I started chemo. Another day of life gouging at our hearts and inflicting its pain. But here we were, one year later, just being together. And every moment was a taste of sweetness.
When I think back over the past year, there are several friends who come to mind that truly walked our journey with us. Tiffany, Kristin, Beth, and Jen were so faithful to me.. Tiff to babysit constantly and spend Sundays lying in bed with me sharing her heart. Jen, who was a prayer warrior for me and always willing to hear my heart. Kristin, who reminded me every week to look for God in the details and see His hand, even while she was walking through her own grief. And Beth, who wept with me, showered me with phone calls, visited every chance she could leave St. Louis, and loved me through her own desperation. A year ago, I didn’t know if I’d ever see them all again. So, yes, this weekend was a taste of Heaven for me… community, love and friendship. And it was marvelous.
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Wednesday Worship: How Sweet The Name Of Jesus Sounds
Last night I stayed up to watch the rerun of Oprah, a show I never watch. But it was all about breast cancer… Christina Applegate, her oncologist, Susan G. Komen’s sister, and numerous breast cancer survivors were on the show. It brought back a lot of hurt and fear and memories, and brought up a lot of what if’s? about the future. I sat on the couch crying and thinking, “I couldn’t do this again. Please, God, don’t let it come back.” It left me in a very desperate mood.
Today marks the beginning of October. Breast cancer awareness month. And while I am thankful for all the research and knowledge and money being raised to beat this ugliness, this death. I am not sure I’m ready for the constant reminder. The constant assault of pink ribbons bringing back the memories, the pain, the fear.
This morning I woke up, stumbled my way through the dark and quiet house, grumbling about my aching joints, about Bri’s late nights fixing downed servers (he worked 30 hours pretty much straight Monday & Tuesday with a break or two here and there), about the cold creeping into my bones, about how my son moves slower than molasses in January, about life in general.
A few weeks ago I wrote about how healing it is to sing the names of Jesus. This morning, as I fixed my Buddy’s cereal and toast, I turned on my music. And what should come on but Indelible Grace’s “How Sweet The Name Of Jesus Sounds”. So I hit repeat. And it’s been playing ever since. (I’m obsessive like that.)
I grew up singing that hymn. I’ve had it memorized since I was a child. It’s a favorite of Brian and mine, and I was thrilled when he introduced it to our congregation a couple years ago when he was helping lead worship. And this morning God knew I needed it. I needed the reminder of Who Jesus is and all He does for me.
As I walked out to start the van, my breath leading the way with its frostiness, I looked up and saw the sun hovering just above the mountains, a glowing orb reminding me of God’s faithfulness. All around I saw the beauty of His world. I heard His beauty in the little voices chattering as I drove through the fields to school. I tasted His beauty in the whole wheat pancakes Bear, Bella and I made together. I knew His beauty in my “never failing treasury” that is “filled with boundless stores of grace.”
I found my wounded spirit whole, even though my body will never be. My sorrows were soothed this morning as I saw the beauty of Jesus.
Won’t you look at Him anew with me this morning?!
How sweet the Name of Jesus sounds
In a believer’s ear!
It soothes his sorrows, heals his wounds,
And drives away his fear.It makes the wounded spirit whole,
And calms the troubled breast;
’Tis manna to the hungry soul,
And to the weary, rest.Dear Name, the Rock on which I build,
My Shield and Hiding Place,
My never failing treasury, filled
With boundless stores of grace!By Thee my prayers acceptance gain,
Although with sin defiled;
Satan accuses me in vain,
And I am owned a child.Jesus! my Shepherd, Husband, Friend,
O Prophet, Priest and King,
My Lord, my Life, my Way, my End,
Accept the praise I bring.Weak is the effort of my heart,
And cold my warmest thought;
But when I see Thee as Thou art,
I’ll praise Thee as I ought.Till then I would Thy love proclaim
With every fleeting breath,
And may the music of Thy Name
Refresh my soul in death!
(John Newton) -
Not Done Yet
“Are you done now?”
This is the question that is thrust at me almost every time I am out and about. A question I’m never quite sure how to answer, because I don’t want to just mercilessly throw back what’s on the tip of my tongue.“I’m never going to be done.”
Even if I live for 50 more years, I will always be tested and watched and poked and prodded. I am always going to carry the emotional burden of grief, of unfulfilled dreams, of pain and fear. There will be nights when I can’t sleep, days (like today) when my body is weak, and I will struggle with pain that is like the ocean. It comes in waves and it is wider than we can grasp, deeper than we can fathom, and it is always there.What I am looking forward to though are the days when I will feel like it’s done. Days when I don’t even think about cancer or feel its effects. Weeks when there are no doctor appointments on my schedule.
There is a TV commercial that says, “I have cancer. But cancer doesn’t have me.” I love that. And it’s true. But it doesn’t take away the reality of the effects of cancer. No, cancer doesn’t have me or own me; however, it still lingers in the felt physical pain.
Pain like last night when I woke to the cries of my daughter. I had heard her rustling in her bed and whimpering, and I knew there were dreams circling through her little mind. Then the cries began. Normally, Bri would go get her, knowing how my joints ache from the side effects of medication. He was in DC overnight last night, and I got out of bed to go tend to my sweet one. But I couldn’t walk. Literally. The pain in my knees was so bad I crawled down the stairs to her room.
By the time I reached her the wails had reached a fever pitch. I opened her door and her arms immediately stretched for me over her crib. I grabbed her close, and she clung to me, pudgy arms circling my neck as her sobs immediately stilled. I pressed my cheek to hers and our tears mingled together.
Quiet. Comfort. We had found it in each other, because as I held her, the pain was completely forgotten. I like to call them my God moments. God’s reminder that He is still there, and He still cares.
And I realized the answer to the question, “Are you done?” is the same for all of us.
None of us are done. Not until glory. And when He holds us, then the pain will be completely forgotten forever.
One must learn to walk before one can run. So here. We–or at least I–shall not be able to adore God on the highest occasions if we have learned no habit of doing so on the lowest… Any patch of sunlight in a wood will show you something about the sun which you could never get from reading books on astronomy. These pure and spontaneous pleasures are “patches of Godlight” in the woods of our experience.
(from Letters to Malcolm by C.S. Lewis)
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A Spring of Joy 