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Heartbreak
The music of Steven Curtis Chapman has touched Brian’s and my life in so many ways. My heart just broke when I read this. From The Tennessean:
Steven Curtis Chapman’s youngest child died Wednesday afternoon after being struck by a car driven by her teenage brother in the driveway of the family’s Williamson County home.
Maria, one of the Christian singer’s six children, was taken by LifeFlight to Vanderbilt Hospital, which confirmed the death, according to Laura McPherson, a spokeswoman for the Tennessee Highway Patrol.
The 5-year-old was hit by an SUV driven by her teenage brother, she said. Police did not give the driver’s name.
The teen was driving a Toyota Land Cruiser down the driveway of the rural home at about 5:30 p.m. and several children were playing in the area, McPherson said. He did not see Maria in the driveway before the vehicle struck her, she said.
“It appears to be a terrible accident,’’ McPherson said.
No charges are expected, she said. The accident was witnessed by two other children; the entire family was home at the time, McPherson said…
“I don’t know of anybody who loves his children more than he does and is so committed to the adoption concept, and to lose one, no matter what the circumstances, is heartbreaking beyond all comprehension,” said John Styll, president of the Nashville-based Gospel Music Association.
“He talks about his kids all the time. That’s his life. His kids are more important to him than music, that’s for sure.”
There are no words… just no words at all. Please join me in praying for them.
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Wednesday Worship: Before The Throne Of God Above
Picking the song for this week’s Wednesday Worship was easy, partly because I could listen to Shane & Shane all day long and never tire of their poetry, reflection, worship, and reverence. Their blend of acoustic instrumentation and heartfelt lyrics speak to me every time I listen to them. I love them because they are real. They speak truth. I love when music blends apologetics with experience, because that’s part of worship… knowing truth and clinging to that truth moving me to a place where I praise and rejoice.
I have sung the hymn “Before the Throne Of God Above” for years, and the depth of truth in that song has always spoken to me. I love that it is the complete Gospel in song. The promise of hope and the certainty of where I stand in the eyes and heart of my Savior is rich in this hymn. Knowing that with Christ, I cannot die. Knowing that He, the sinless One, took my place and I am guiltless. Knowing that my name is inscribed on the palms of His hands. I can never fall out. It is the peace of assurance. Full assurance that nothing can change who I am in Christ.
Shane & Shane do an excellent cover of this hymn on their Pages CD which you can download at iTunes or Amazon.com mp3 downloads. They add a refrain that brings the power of truth to the place of experience, and with experience comes praise. I have spent the past week (literally!) singing their refrain over and over as I go through my day. He has brought me from a place of despair to the truth of my place of security in Him and that brings me to praise. So I echo Shane & Shane’s cry to “Praise the One, the Risen Son of God!”
Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea,
A great high Priest whose Name is Love,
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart,
No tongue can bid me thence depart.When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free,
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me,
To look on Him and pardon me.Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Praise the One, Risen Son of God!Behold Him there, the risen Lamb,
My perfect, spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM,
The King of glory and of grace.
One with Himself, I cannot die,
My soul is purchased by His blood.
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Savior and my God!Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Praise the One, Risen Son of God!Amen and amen! Won’t you praise the Risen Son with me today?
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Race For The Cure In-Law Style
These pictures of my sister-in-law, brother-in-law and their absolutely adorable son (isn’t he the cutest?!) participating in the Race For The Cure reduced me to a sobbing mess.
Then she had to go and write this on her blog. Now I’m an even bigger mess. Isn’t it wonderful? Thank you… thank you… thank you! I am so blessed. How I do look forward to shouting “one year!”
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America’s Favorite Past Time
Last night we went to my nephew’s baseball game, and despite the wind making it feel like it was fall instead of spring, it was good to be out enjoying the evening and the fresh air and my family. I drank it in and am grateful for another day, another time to revel in all God has given me…
The stinging crack of bats resounding in the air.
Little voices cheering and encouraging one another in their efforts to win.
Sunshine on distant mountains. Breathtaking beauty of God’s creation.
The wonder of trains passing by. The clink of rail cars. The crash of engines. The fascination that never ends.
Cousins playing together.
Imaginations. Watching little boys lose focus on the game to spend time in their own worlds.
The rowdy cheers of parents and fans lifting small children to new heights.
A shoulder to lean on.
Climbing on bleachers and fond memories of my childhood climbs at brother’s games.
Snuggling. Warmth. Comfort. Love.
America’s favorite past time. There’s just something about the smell of hot dogs, the thump of catcher’s mitts, the roar of crowds, the head nods to strangers, the squeal of babies, the unity of purpose.
Thank you, Lord, for every breath, every gift.
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Me And My Buddy
This morning a very somber Asher curled his lanky body into my lap. He sighed deeply saying nothing. I held him quietly, gazing at his long eyelashes as they curled around his beautiful eyes. I love his eyelashes!
(I used to joke that my second-born would be a girl with short eyelashes and small eyes and she’d whine about how her brother was prettier than her. Not so! My second-born does have short eyelashes, but he has the strong chin and sweet dimples that fit his impish personality so well. Then there’s the redheaded baby who has the same beautiful eyes as her oldest brother and the charming grin of our middle boy. Each beautiful in their own way.)
After our silent snuggles, Asher sighed again. Of all my children, he truly embodies a buddy. He is loyal, conversational, loves to be with me. He wears his heart on his sleeve, and I can always tell when there is an internal wrestling. Today he didn’t want to talk about it. He just needed to be near me and know that I was here. These past months have been hardest on him.
“Mom?”
“What’s up, buddy?”
“I didn’t like it when you had your treatments.”
“Oh, Ash. What was the hardest part for you?”
“Well. It just felt like I didn’t have a Mommy. You were here, but you weren’t here. I missed you.”
Heartbreak. He feels so deeply and needs companionship. This morning he needed me–my presence. He was fearful. Today he had an appointment with his allergist because the pollen is horrific right now, and his eyes feel like there are ants crawling in them. The poor guy is allergic to trees, grass, pollen, dust mites, weeds, cats and who knows what else. He doesn’t ever want to go outside to play because he is miserable whenever he comes in. My heart aches for him. So we went back to the allergist to determine what is the best cocktail of antihistamines to help him.
I finally asked him what was on his mind. He asked me, “Mom, will there be more needles again?” Oh, he is his mother’s child. I could identify so deeply with his fears, and my heart went out to him. How do I explain to a six-year-old that his fear is okay? Life is scary sometimes. That there are seasons when we have to go through hard things. And he’s been through a lot of hard things lately.
He needed me to hold him. He needed me to be real with him. He needed his mommy this morning. So I was here, holding, soothing, calming, praying.
“You know what, buddy? Mommy was scared a lot when she was going through treatments. You know what I did? I talked to God. I told him everything. I asked for help.”Asher’s eyes lit up. “I can pray right now, Mommy!”
So we did. We prayed. I sang to him, “When I am afraid I will trust in You…” Then I looked at him. He said, “I already feel some better, Mom, but I’m still scared.” I told him he could talk to God all day long and tell God about his fears. “You know what, Mom? It’s a good thing to need God.”
Oh, how I need to be reminded of those words, and how thankful I am that my six-year-old son grasps his neediness. “I need you, too.” he whispered, leaning tight.
And so I wholeheartedly embraced his longing. We read books in the waiting room, we played I Spy in the exam room, we looked at pictures of the inside of our noses, ears and mouth. We explored “Castle” by David Macaulay, and he began dreaming of being an architect when he grew up. I discovered that the four biggest things he is afraid of are monsters, dragons, ghosts and giants, and with great relief he grasped that none of those things are real.
He was very brave with the doctor and super polite with the nurses, and I was proud of the little man my boy is becoming. “Can we go on a date for lunch, Mom? Just you and me like you do with Daddy?” So we did. Lunch at McDonald’s and people watching. One of our favorite things to do is make-up stories about the people around us. So when a big bus-load of grungy, sweaty middle schoolers came in, Ash was elated. We imagined they were from California and they had come here to see fireworks and they all lived in one big house together eating ice cream for breakfast, lunch and supper. All I have to say is that I pity their poor mother.
On the way home from lunch, Asher prayed a simple prayer thanking God for helping him not be afraid and that it was a good appointment. Then we turned up the Vacation Bible School CD and sang at the top of our lungs together. “Our God is an awesome God…” “Come on, let’s praise the Lord…” “God is good, all the time…”
We returned home, and as he jumped out of the van, I told Ash, “I had a fun time with you, buddy.”
He grinned as he ran away from me up the sidewalk, “Right back atcha, Mom!” He glanced over his shoulder then suddenly careened to a halt. Turning, he ran back to me arms outstretched. Huge hug. “I love you.”
Thank you, Jesus, that I am here. It’s been a very good day.
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Wednesday Worship: Edition #7
There are some Sundays where, by His grace, I am completely and fully immersed in the worship of our God. Those are the Sundays when I don’t want the service to end. Those are Sundays where it seems as if everything speaks expressly to me and the place where I am. Those are Sundays where I hang on every word spoken, prayed, preached, and sung. This past week held one of those Sundays. I didn’t want to stop singing. I didn’t want Tim to end his prayer. I didn’t want Joe to stop preaching. I didn’t want God to stop be so obviously glorified.
Every word rung in my heart, and I don’t even know how to express what I want to say. So today I will let the words of the hymn writers, song writers, and pastors speak for me. This will be my Wednesday Worship of the week as the songs, prayers and words of the Lord have continued to resonate in my heart long past Sunday.
“For the Lord our God; He is strong to save from the arms of death and the deepest grave. And He gave us life in His perfect will, and by His good grace, I will praise Him still.” I am amazed how He has spared my life not from the death of cancer, although that alone is amazing to me. It is the way He saves from the death of sin. The deepest grave couldn’t hold our Savior down, and on the day when He calls me home, it is His grace of which I will sing for eternity. I will praise Him still forever and ever.
And so I offered myself to Him in worship singing along with those around me how He is “altogether lovely, altogether worthy, altogether wonderful to me.” No one else is completely lovely, completely worthy, completely wonderful. It is intrinsic to Christ and Christ alone. There is no other response than to sing, “Here I am to worship; here I am to bow down.”
Then to be reminded that as I worship, He is singing with me. I love singing Scripture, and as the words of Zephaniah 3:17 rang through our sanctuary, I pictured the smile of our Savior rejoicing and delighting over us. “The Lord our God is with you; He is mighty to save. The Lord will take great delight in you; He will quiet you with His love.”
As Tim brought our attention from the vertical to the horizontal, we embraced the mothers of our congregation, and I sat surrounded by youth, my children, husband, and friends. I was overcome by the smiles, hugs and encouragement that while I am blessed to be a physical mother, I am a spiritual mother as well. To hear Tim pray for me and the hundreds of other women in our congregation be they physical mothers or not returned my focus to the One Who created each of us. “Lord, You are good. You are the lover of our souls.”
And so we sang of the One Who loves us intimately. For “Thou, O Christ, art all I want, more than all in Thee I find… Just and holy is Thy Name, I am all unrighteousness…Plenteous grace with Thee is found, grace to cover all my sin…” Praise God that ALL my sin is covered by His grace. He is my merit. I am free to bask in His beauty.
But I am also aware of my neediness and the neediness of His church as we sang, “Jesus, with Thy church abide… We beseech Thee, hear us.” I could sing no more than the first verse as the meaning of what it truly means to beseech our Lord dawned in my heart. I stood beside my friends at church and listened to them sing while I wept. “May she guide the poor and blind, seek the lost until she find; and the brokenhearted bind: We beseech Thee, hear us.”
And we sought the Lord as Burress prayed for us. And I remembered the promise that as we seek Him, we will find rest for our souls. And I am resting in the joy of Who Jesus is… ALL that He is. “Thy love, so pure, so changeless, satisfies my heart; satisfies its deepest longings… Thine is love indeed.”
What a wonderful love He has shown me! That He is my Good Shepherd. The promise of the I AM. Joe spoke to my heart when He said this: “The greater you see your sin, the greater His Cross becomes. This will change your thanksgiving, worship, attitude, forgiveness, grace, vision.” He challenged me with: “What longing do you have that Jesus won’t meet?” He satisfies the deepest longing, and He offers that to all!
What better response than to sing of all that Christ is in Psalm 23. “The King of Love my Shepherd is; whose goodness faileth never…” He is good no matter where I am in life. He is good when my table is full and my cup is running over. He is good when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I love that line… “the shadow of death”, because though I may one day go through physical death, it will only be a shadow. I will live forever. And because of His goodness, we sang “We adore Thee, we adore Thee, we adore Thee.”
This is my heart this week. I know it’s not a “typical” Wednesday Worship Edition, but it’s what God has been using in my life and heart. I pray that it blessed you as it has me.
I would love to hear from you… how is God blessing you this week?
(I Will Praise Him Still, © 1997, Fernando Ortega. Here I Am To Worship, ©2000, Tim Hughes. Jesus, Lover of My Soul, Jesus With Thy Church Abide, Jesus I Am Resting, The King Of Love My Shepherd Is, Public Domain.)
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My Mother
For all the times you sang to me
The lullabies and hymns,
When you sat by the bed and waited
As the daylight faded dim.The times I fell and skinned my knee
As I played in the heat of the day.
You bandaged me, and then you smiled
And kissed the pain away.For all the hours you cleaned our house
And sneezed midst dirt and dust;
For cooking scrumptious dinners
With talent we could trust.For taking time to read with me
The books that I loved best;
For playing dolls and house with me
When you really wanted rest.For teaching me to read God’s Word
And pleading on your knees;
For begging me to seek the Lord
And praying I would see.For teaching me domestic chores–
You left not one to spare.
For showing how to cook and clean
When I really didn’t care.For making growing up important
Pierced ears and trendy clothes;
For listening as I whined and cried
About the freckles on my nose.For the times my health was poor;
You always took good care.
You cried and prayed for me
And tried my pain to bear.For bearing with my teenage angst–
My moodiness and tears;
For living patiently with me
During those trying years.For laughing with me as I told
Of all my “first love” joys;
Then listening sympathetically
As I groaned and griped about boys.Through the years you were always there–
My first date and my graduation.
You kept me laughing through my fears
With your wild imagination.I think of all the times you stood
And put me in my place
Though I reacted angrily
With hatred in my face.You never failed to teach me,
And when I went astray,
You gently prodded to narrow paths
And showed the proper way.For listening to my lonely cries
As I entered the “searching” stage;
For taking time to spend with me
When there was no one else my age.For always being there for me
And taking time to spend.
I’m thankful you’re my mother,
I thank God that you’re my friend.I wrote these feeble words at the height of my teen years. I had no clue at the time what the future would hold. Even now they can barely express the debt of gratitude I owe to one of the dearest people in the world to me. Thank you, Mom, for all that you are and all that you have been. And thank you, Jesus, for blessing me with not only a precious mother but a dear friend.
Happy Mother’s Day!
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More Gifts
I continue on my quest to see the beauty in every day…
Watching bunnies in the yard. Awestruck. Held breaths lest she move.
Dishes in my sink. Evidence of God’s provision of our daily bread.
Sunday School crafts covering our walls.
Tiny hands lifted in praise with me… learning the postures and freedom of worship.
Bright green buds on the sidewalk underfoot pushed out by new leaves. Growth.Eyes to see differently this world around me.
Siblings. Sweet kisses for a baby sister.
Pudgy arms squeezing round my neck with “ginormous” hugs.
Tousled red curls and delicious brown eyes snuggling in my lap.
Lanky body against me. Reading.
Boisterous voices chorusing. “Jesus loves me, this I KNOW.”
Cherry tomatoes on the vine. Luscious red. Healthy tastes.Life lessons learned from little ones.
Lilacs cut from the tree by the hands of my father and brought to me by the hands of my mother. The fragrance of memories.
Thank you, Lord, for your endless gifts!
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Last Scan Down… For Now
Tuesday was my bone scan. Today was my doctor appointment. Those two days felt interminable.
The bone scan is clear. We are once again praising God for His mercy to us. Please continue to pray for complete healing for me. I also found out about several small ways the chemo has negatively impacted my body. Lots of small concerns make it seem big, and I am feeling overwhelmed by the road ahead.
I can’t thank y’all enough for your prayers and encouragement. I can’t tell y’all how much your rejoicing with me means. Thank you for your love.
Join with me again in the celebration of another clean scan. God is faithful.
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Wednesday Worship: Untitled Hymn (Come To Jesus)
This has been a roller coaster week for me, and I’ve experienced the height of joy and struggled through the darkness of grief over the course of the past days. It was a wonderful weekend spent with Nat who arrived Thursday and spent a couple days with us intermingled with visits to other friends in the area. Being with Nat is so refreshing. I can be real and honest and vulnerable, and she’s not afraid of any of that. We celebrated Em’s graduation from JMU on Saturday. Now it’s only six weeks until her big wedding celebration. The rejoicing culminated on Sunday night with the ordination service for our youth director, now pastor, Tim. Tim is another dear friend to us, and it was awesome to see God’s faithfulness to direct in his life as he joyfully followed God’s calling. Bri and I were able to be on worship team for Tim’s service, and that only added to the sweetness of the evening for us. Tim is gifted and humble, and it was such a privilege to take part in his celebration.
I overdid it. Completely. Way too much for my body to take. But well worth it. Going into Monday and Tuesday the fatigue became overwhelming and along with it came the grief of a heart-breaking anniversary in our life–the due date of the child we miscarried. It was a day of letting go again and clinging to Christ even when I don’t understand His plans. Those plans included a bone scan yesterday which went well, but left me feeling poorly, and I spent most of the day in bed sleeping off the contrast dye they injected into me. Now comes the waiting and the praying and the hoping for another clear report.
Through it all there is only one place to turn. I cannot just turn to Jesus in the struggle. He is the one who is the real reason for the celebrations. Without Him I wouldn’t have the depth of relationship with Nat, the occasions in Em’s life to look forward to, the shepherding, leadership and friendship of Tim. Without Jesus, I would have nowhere to turn with the pain of heartbreak. Without Him I would wait hopelessly for results of my tests. Without Him I would never have walked through the horrors of the last months. He is enough in this life.
Chris Rice’s Untitled Hymn (Come To Jesus) is the story of my life. Simply put, I need Him for every step of my journey, and I know that when my story ends, I will fly to Him and live forever. I love his lyric “Then go in peace and laugh on glory’s side.” What an amazing picture and promise! He offers us everything, and He is there with us every step of the way, be it the pinnacle of joy or the valley of suffering. He is the hope that I am clinging to this week. What are you listening to that brings your focus to Jesus?
Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!Now your burden’s lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!And like a newborn baby
Don’t be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall…so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can’t contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory’s side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!
(Copyright 2002 Clumsy Fly Music (ASCAP))Amen and amen! Won’t you run to Jesus today with me, and LIVE?!
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A Spring of Joy 