A Spring of Joy

Wednesday, September 26th

We have been enjoying our time here at Nags Head and are so thankful that we were able to come. It is good to be with my parents and grandparents… some normalcy before our life implodes into chemo world. Brian’s parents came by for the day on Monday before they begin their RV trek back to Phoenix (and hopefully their newest grandbaby). Micah was in Grandma-heaven, exclaiming all day, “Mommy, look! Two Grandmas!” It has been fun having everyone together.

Asher has taken to the ocean like a fish to water. He will stand firm before the coming waves daring them to get him, and then he will laugh as the surf crashes over him. Micah, on the other hand, stands at the edge of the water shouting, “You can’t get me.” But the minute the waves crash and start moving toward him, Micah will race away screaming. He has boundaries on his defiance.

Audrey has decided to be a true southern belle… she refuses to touch the sand, won’t go near the water, doesn’t want to get down at all, and enjoys just sitting and relaxing. I must say I can’t complain about that. Audrey will sit and snuggle on my lap for a couple hours while we sit next to the boys and watch all the excitement. She loves to watch them and yells at them, shouting garbled baby commands at them while they play, but heaven forbid she should get messy. I suppose she is truly living up to one of her many nicknames—Diva.

I have been able to truly enjoy my time here. There are moments where I struggle. I love everything about the beach—swimming in the ocean, riding the waves into the beach, playing in the sand, tossing a football, taking long walks, etc. It has been hard to have to sit on the sidelines, but I am just so thankful to be here. The timing is perfect—we’ve needed this, and I am relishing these sunny days.

Tuesday, September 25th

Nags Head must be my favorite place on earth—or at least of the places to which I’ve been. We have been waking up every morning to sunshine, sea air, the sound of waves…oh, and the noise of little children. Hearing Audrey cry, “Mom—Meeeeee” at 6:30 in the morning isn’t the most therapeutic, but it’s still wonderful to be here and have time together as a family. The boys are loving it here… especially building their sand castles. It never gets old.

Monday morning found the boys heading out with Daddy and Grandpa to get some “serious shovels” as Micah says. Then the building began. Every day the boys construct huge sand castles, and I have watched their personalities bloom a bit more. Asher is the worker. He will dig and dig with his daddy. Micah has the vision, yelling, “Let’s build more, Dad!” with gusto, then he sits and watches Brian and Asher do all the heavy labor.

I watched Asher defending his sand castle yesterday. We knew the tide was coming in, and Brian had built a massive double moat with them to protect their fort. Inevitably, the water started to overcome. At one point Asher took his shovel, drew a line in the sand in front of the moat, and yelled at the ocean, “You don’t come past here. This is mine. You stay on your side.” I had to laugh at the futility of his actions.

It made me think about how often I do that with God. I lay claim to the things I’ve done in my life drawing my line in the sand and telling God to stay away rather than acknowledging that He has given me everything. I tell God to stay on His side and let me have my life rather than recognizing He is the Giver of all good things, and it is His hand that has enabled me to accomplish anything in my life. God has blessed us with so much, and how eager I am to look to myself and rely on my own abilities.

It has been an escape from reality to be here. The burden doesn’t seem quite so heavy, and I find myself acting like I don’t need God as much here. I lean heavily on my feelings, and when I feel safe, I think I don’t need God. My safety is my line in the sand. I stand before the ocean of God’s will and say, “You don’t come past here. You don’t make me feel insecure.” But insecure is precisely where I need to be… so I will run to Him, cling to Him, depend on Him every day for every breath, not just when I feel like I need Him. And He promises to be there… to be faithful even when I am not.

Yes, it is good to be here… to be with my family, to relax with Brian, to watch my children, and to learn more about myself and my God.

On the way down to Nags Head Saturday we passed a little country church whose marquis read, “Singing canceled”. We had to laugh at how funny that sounded. But then as I thought about it, I realized how true that can be. I have made a god out of worship “my way”. The church today is at war over how worship should “be done”. Do we sing or play this song the way we’ve always done it? Is it too fast or too slow? Did we sing too many hymns today? Or not enough? Are we too liturgical or not liturgical enough? Does the worship leader say too much or say too little? Every single one of those questions makes worship about me or about what I like or think it should be… and when I make it about my personal preference, I have taken God out of the equation, and essentially, the singing has been canceled in my heart.

Sunday we went to a little Bible-believing church we have gone to every year since I was small where there is a fervency and love for the Lord that is contagious. As a musician, a perfectionist, and mostly, a sinner, it was so easy for me to be critical—the sound was too muddy and I couldn’t hear right, the songs were too loud, too fast, not well done, etc. Then we sang a song I’d never heard before… where the words struck my heart and God showed me for the umpteenth time that it’s about adoring Him. And the questions about worship changed in my heart—do I believe God is worthy of glory regardless of how I feel or how well the music might be done? Do I believe that the Holy Spirit led their worship leader when he chose the music for the week? In Heaven is God going to be worshipped my way?

I read on a website once how Jesus Christ gave up the best possible worship in Heaven to come to 1st century synagogues, putting aside His personal preferences for our benefit… for our salvation. How we should think like that! If it benefits another, shouldn’t I be willing to give up my personal preferences? And mostly, if it glorifies God and brings the gospel to bear on my heart more and more, shouldn’t I rejoice in Who He is and what He has done for me?

I wrote the chorus down to the song we sang on Sunday, and I have reflected on it a lot since then… “Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder at the mention of Your name… You are my everything and I will adore You.” If God truly is my everything, then I am willing to give up everything for Him… and that means giving up my notions of worship and how it should be done. It’s easy for me to be a music/worship snob… and when I am, then the singing is canceled in my heart and God is not adored.

Speaking of adoration, one man that comes to mind who adored His Lord is Rich Mullins. This week I have feasted on Rich’s music, often weeping as the rawness of the words that God gave to him have reached me in places I haven’t been reached before. In the night when I cannot sleep, or as I sit and wait for the results of my bone scan, it is often Rich’s music that God brings to mind—

“Hold me Jesus, ‘cause I’m shaking like a leaf.
You have been King of my glory, won’t You be my Prince of Peace?”

It leads me to pray simple prayers… asking Him to bring me His peace in the midst of my storm, and I cling to His promises with a ruthless trust knowing that God hears me even when the winds of life are howling around me. Like Thomas, the disciple, my doubts and questions lead me back to Him and I must proclaim, “My Lord and my God!” I have days where that is all I can pray, and I beg God to show Himself in my life

I understand Rich’s music to a depth I’ve never understood. He was real with His God. He was real with the people he reached with his music. He doubted, he cried, he followed, he adored, he longed for and knew God in a way that I desire to learn. I remember the night Brian and I were driving home from NOVA 10 years ago and heard on the radio about the death of Rich Mullins in a car accident. I remember we had just been listening to one of his songs, and I cried (something I am prone to do in case you didn’t figure that out). I remember saying to Brian, “His longing is fulfilled. He is home with his Lord.” Rich was a man who worshipped. And now Rich is worshipping in a way we will never wholly understand or experience until we worship with him. Until that day, I pray that I will have just a taste of what Rich is experiencing now and that the singing is never canceled in my heart!

Okay… so in case there was any doubt about Brian’s love… my dear hubby just turned down tickets to a Redskins game.

What?! There are some of you who are flabbergasted by this. I; however, am not. First off, being a Dallas fan, I question why anyone would want to waste a day watching the ‘skins play. Secondly, we are going to the BEACH Saturday. A week in Nags Head to just relax, soak in the sun, prepare for the next step in our journey…

See, he really does love me… denying himself the ‘skins proves it. I suppose he’ll be able to survive the week without the game. I admire his fortitude. And I love him, too.

Our kids have been basking in the glow of September’s sunny days, and they have had lots of special times over the past weeks. From playing in the park or going to the children’s museum with babysitters to fishing trips & JMU games with Brian, Asher and Micah have reveled in all the fun.

Audrey loves to “go” and brings me a different pair of shoes all throughout the day to put on. I’ve especially enjoyed the snuggle times and quiet times just reading… and today I loved eating a picnic lunch with my kids and Miss Tiff.

While the days haven’t always been easy, knowing that they are well-loved and well-cared for makes it less difficult to endure. I’m so thankful for how God has blessed us with friends who love and care for our children so well. I’m so thankful for each of my kids.. for Asher, my tender heart wrapped in determination… for Micah, whose creativity and imagination make me laugh… for Audrey, my bundle of happy who’s at the fun age of learning all about life and delighting in each new wonder. I’m thankful for the sweet September sunshine and the sound of their laughter outside as I drift off to sleep throughout the day. I’m so blessed… so very, very blessed.

LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. (Psalm 16:5)

Once again, we are overwhelmed… mostly by God’s faithfulness and goodness to us in placing His hand of protection over us and stopping the cancer from spreading beyond the lymph nodes. We are awed by how He displayed His love for us in answering our prayers and the prayers of our family and friends. We are amazed and humbled by the love y’all have shown us.

I continue to take deep breaths wondering when I will wake up from this nightmare, but then reality hits. It’s like walking into a forest. I look into the tangle of trees and into the black of fear and cancer on the path before me, but He turns my eyes to what is beside me right now, this day. I see the beauty of God’s hand in the detail of the flowers He has planted on the road beside me. There are so many ways He has been in the details of these past few weeks… but even more so yesterday when He showed me over and over again how He cares about every aspect of my life.

I could hardly walk into the surgeon’s office yesterday, but in the beauty of God’s detailed hand, I was comforted by knowing that I was heading into the office of a man who knew Brian and me. A man who would love us and care gently for us no matter what the result of the scan would be. When Dr. Branum walked in the door and uttered those wonderful words, “Your scan is normal. All is clear.” I was overwhelmed with just about every emotion you can imagine, and he sat with us while I cried. In the beauty of God’s detailed hand, I also got the all clear on how well I had healed from surgery, and am under no restrictions—I can lift and hug and hold my children as much as I am physically able. As we left his office, Brian practically had to carry me to the Jeep, I was sobbing so hard. We climbed in and just prayed and thanked God for His mercy to us.

Then, as usual, Bri cranked the music up… favorite worship tunes on his iPod. Out poured one of my personal favorites, Beautiful One, and Bri sang at the top of his lungs while I cried at how the “cross has spoken mercy over me.” We decided to stop by the church office to share God’s glory and rejoice with our friends there. In the beauty of His detailed hand, Burress told us we were singing Beautiful One this Sunday at church, and Lord willing, I get to be there to worship God with this song yet again!

In the beauty of His detailed hand, God chose my Brian for me before time began, because He knew the man I would need to walk through this with me. A man who has loved me so unconditionally, who has protected me from my own mind, who has led me to our God when I struggled with my faith, who has tenderly cared for our children when I couldn’t, who has stood by me even though it wasn’t easy for him, and who never gave up hope.

In the beauty of His detailed hand, last night I rocked my sweet Audrey for the first time in several weeks. She snuggled into my lap and I sang to her the same song I’ve sung to her for 16 months, “All The Way My Savior Leads Me”. Only last night, it held a far deeper meaning than it had before.

In the beauty of His detailed hand, God gave me a little Bear who makes me laugh so much knowing how laughter is one of the best medicines for me. My friend, Kristen, was here last night, sitting on the couch, burning CD’s. Micah came over to her and asked her what she was doing. She told him she was listening to music and asked him if he’d like to listen to something. Our 3-year old pondered a moment, then turned and said, “How about some jazz.” We laughed so hard it hurt, and Kristen shook her head saying, “Only a Davis.”

After putting Audrey down, I sat with my boys while my mom read to them, and Micah came over to snuggle into my lap. Within minutes, his deep breathing let me know that he was asleep, and in the beauty of God’s detailed hand, I held my little man fast asleep in my arms for the first time in weeks.

In the beauty of His detailed hand, God has created my Asher who wears his heart on his sleeve, and last night he looked up at me with those big, brown eyes and put his head on my shoulder, “Mom, I wish you never had a bad spot and got sick.” We talked for a while about how God was taking care of Mommy even though she was sick. Then he asked me, “Will I ever get a bad spot?” How my heart ached for him and all the fear with which he must be struggling. We talked about how we can always go to God with our fears and pray and ask Him. So Ash decided to pray right then… “Grandma!” he called, folding his hands, “I’m going to pray now. You don’t want to miss it.” And he prayed, “Heavenly Father, I pray that you would keep me from getting a bad spot. Thank you that I get to play with Freddy tomorrow. I pray that I would never have a bad spot. And please, heal Mommy until she is all better. Amen.” Then my tender boy went off to bed for a night of sweet dreams.

In the beauty of His detailed hand, God has given us each of you who have walked and striven with us through the past few weeks, and I know you will continue to walk with us down the dark road of chemo and recovery. Psalm 55:18-19a says,

“He will redeem my soul in peace from the battle which is against me. For they are many who strive with me. God will hear and answer them.”

God has heard. God has answered. We are so thankful for each and everyone of you. Thank you for striving with us. Rejoice now with us at the beauty of God’s detailed hand.